Do you hate it when people speak for you?

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Joe90
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10 Feb 2013, 4:57 pm

I don't mind in some situations, but otherwise I am quite capable of speaking for myself, but some people seem to think I'm not. I have a friend who always tries to speak for me, as though she thinks I am unable to make decisions for myself or have a mind of my own. Yes I am bad at sticking up for myself, and I wouldn't mind a friend backing me up in a confrontation, but in general, I don't need her to speak for me. I do have a tongue in my head.

I remember a few months ago me and friend A were in a small shop, when another friend of mine (friend B) came up to us to speak. I knew friend B more than friend A did, and friend B asked me what I was doing now (because she hadn't seen me for ages). I was about to say, when friend A stepped right into the conversation and said, ''yes, she is happy where she is.'' And that was kind of the last word. I felt awkward, and I think friend B did too. And no, I didn't miss any ''hidden social cue'' - I knew friend B was just asking, and I didn't mind telling her, and she's always been nice to me, and I think friend A should have butted out.
Also there was another time when me and my friend (friend A) was getting on the bus, and a lady smiled to me and gave the obvious ''you get on first'' signal, so I said, ''thank you'', and went to step on, and then my friend grabbed my arm and pulled me back in front of everyone and said, ''no, let them on first.'' This was for no reason at all, and I felt a bit humiliated. My friend isn't nasty to me, but she can make me feel like some demented retard sometimes.

Maybe it's because I can't stand up for myself, that some people (especially my friend) seem to think that I give off a ''all the lights are on but no-one's in'' signal, when it's actually the other way around; I may find it hard to stand up for myself due to lack of confidence and fear of conflict, but I am full of thoughts and emotions inside, and I do not like people pushing me around. Thankfully not everybody's like this with me, not even my own mum. Just mostly this one friend. Anyway, enough of me ranting on. Does anyone else feel like this?


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khaos
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10 Feb 2013, 7:08 pm

I avoid confrontation at all costs usually, but if provoked enough I can defend myself. I understand how you feel, but I can't really remember anybody speaking for me. If it had been me and friend A had done that, I would have a hard time telling her what she did was wrong and she stepped over the line, but it would irk me so bad for someone to do that to me. I may not use it often, but I do have a voice. Friend A shouldn't be that forward.


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BornThisWay
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10 Feb 2013, 7:15 pm

I had that happen when I was younger. Friend A may not be seeing you as a true peer or friend if she or he treats you like this and does not do this to other friends. He or she may be acting in a protective manner thinking they are just being helpful. The hardest part is learning how to tell your 'friend A' how you feel about such 'help' and that while you appreciate their wanting to protect you, the best way is to let you manage your own conversations. Their treating you as 'special' and in need of their 'help' is not respectful of your autonomy as a full person. The fact that you feel uncomfortable and are asking about it, means that they have overstepped a boundary. If they are really your friend 9and not some special case they are 'helping') they will back off from such behavior, but only if you let them know how you feel. For those times when you do want their help, maybe you could set up a signal or code with them so they could intervene...



chlov
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11 Feb 2013, 4:58 pm

I do.
Expecially when people who are supposed to "belong to the same cathegory I belong to" speak for me saying "we know, we people tend to...". I would want to hit them and say "No, you do, not me".



luminaeus
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11 Feb 2013, 7:28 pm

I don't mind it. New situations with new people tend to confuse me, so it's nice to have someone to rely on.