I was only bullied in elementary school. I experienced harassment after elementary school but they were isolated incidents and never involved the same individuals.
In elementary school I was a girl bullied by both girls and boys. The majority of them were classmates, and the rest were in parallel forms or a grade or two younger or older. The majority of the bullying was verbal. I keep reading that the name calling hurt people the most and that the physical stuff was nothing compared to it. For me it’s the exact opposite. The other children calling me names meant very little to me. I didn’t care about them before they did that, and being made their target from 3rd grade didn’t endear them to me. Their words meant nothing to me. There were only three reasons it bothered me at all: a) I wanted to be left alone so I could stay in my own world of fantasies, and b) it was humiliating to see the reactions of the children not involved in it; having them stare and pay attention, and c) it never ended -> back to a). There weren’t one group who targeted me and that was it. During one recess I could be targeted by a number of different groups/cliques. Both boys and girls participated in the verbal bullying.
Then there was the sexual bullying. I was early developed and that made me a target for sexual comments and having other children touch me inappropriately. They’d pinch and touch and squeeze, both girls and boys did that. Being early developed felt like nothing short of a tragedy for me by its own accord, and having them harass me over it made it even worse. I found the sexual bullying extremely humiliating, paying attention to the thing I the most wanted no one to notice.
Then there was the physical bullying, which was even worse than the sexual one. It consisted of having objects thrown at me, being hit and kicked, pushed, hit with objects (like a hammer), being hit with a bag in my face a few days after I had an operation (my nose had to be re-broken after a bike accident because it grew wrong and became crooked; I was supposed o be careful with it) etc. Most of it ‘just’ made me paranoid. I wouldn’t feel safe, always expecting someone to kick/hit/shove me in passing by, and starting to think that anyone who came into physical contact with me were doing it on purpose. Both boys and girls threw objects at me, while the rest of the physical bullying was mostly done by boys. Worse than the paranoia they caused was the few incidents that scared me. Nothing really bad came of it, but it left me afraid that at some point they’d actually harm me seriously, and that made me fear each day I had to go to school. Would today be the day I’d be actually injured (beyond marks and bruises, I mean)? I was always afraid of things getting out of control. I have always been afraid of being physically attacked, even as a little child, and that fear sure wasn’t lessened by the physical bullying.
There were some differences in the ways these bullied. In all instances where boys and girls both partook, the bullies showed clearly with their expressions , nasty smiles and gleaming eyes, that they were relishing what they did. The other type, physical bullying committed by boys/groups of boys was different. They usually seemed angry, aggressive, mad at me for being me; they showed a contempt and rage that was very intimidating to me. That was the absolute worst type of bullying I endured.
Parts of elementary school were tough, and 4th grade in particular was hell.
Once I left elementary school behind, I was never bullied again. There have been a lot of incidents in which children or teenagers (usually boys) have made nasty remarks but words of strangers mean no more to me now than the words of my classmates did in school. But just like in school, it’s humiliating if outsiders hear it, and I hope no one will ever overhear it who knows who I am and will mention it to my family! Most it is comments on my looks, but some of the comments have a sexual nature and that easily gets intimidating.
I haven’t been touched after elementary school, but I have been threatened with rape and I have been intimidated by guys who have acted very aggressively, teenage boys who seemed to despise me on site, and although nothing happened, the incidents left me scared and feeling decreasingly safe outdoors. The last such incidents (two) took place in 2007, when I was 30, and I hope it never happens again. Rape and physical harm are two enormous fears of mine.
Since then I have only experienced the occasional snicker, pointing and remark.
One of the infuriating things about the isolated incidents was that when I did react no one close to me could understand why I made such a big deal out of it, because to them it was a minor incident, while to me it was a 'more of the same'. The perceived perpetuation of mistreatment caused me a lot of rage from my teen years and onward. It made me lash out at people for anything I considered a slight, enjoying their reaction but never doing it to anyone who actually deserved it. I'm not proud of it but it's true.
As for rumors, if anyone spread any about me, I sure haven't heard about it, but I have never been the least interested in gossip so I would be the last to know lol
As for exclusion...
I’m sure I’ve been excluded IRL but not in any way I have cared about. For instance I’m sure that the kids in my junior high and high school classes had birthday parties, so since I was never invited I assume I was excluded, which suited me perfectly since I hated parties then as now.
In day care and elementary school girls who threw parties had to invite all the girls in their class/ day care, so I was invited too. The parties were okay when we were little and played and had videos to watch and games to play. They were never something I really looked forward to, but it was okay to go. But from 4th grade the others cared more and more about dancing and I was bored stiff. It felt like a chore to go to those parties, but when I showed reluctance to go, my mother would ask if I didn’t wanna go, and I thought she didn’t like it, so I went. In junior high I was only invited a couple of times, and those parties were just for a few of the girls, so they were actually okay. (Only bad thing about them was that we were supposed to watch horror movies both times. “The birds” were on TV and whenever one of the others got scared, they shrieked and changed the channel. Very annoying for those of us who never get scared from movies! The other time we watched “The Shining” and the girl next to me kept shrieking and digging her nails into my poor arm whenever she thought it was scary. I liked the movie a lot, but the only scary part was A’s screams right by my ear. Teenaged girls can be trying. Definitely better to watch horror at home! I had to be persuaded to come, and they thought I played hard to get, they couldn’t understand that I simply preferred to stay at home. I’m very glad I wasn’t invite in high school; I don’t like parties and it’s a chore to keep coming up with excuses and having them debated because “don’t want to” doesn’t cut it with them.
As for my own birthdays: For my 2nd -5th birthdays, some neighbourhood children were invited, as well as the son of a friend of my mother. My sixth birthday was celebrated in the middle of our moving to Oslo, so there was no official party, which was just as well since the only child I liked in the old place had moved and I didn’t know anyone in Oslo yet. For my 7th birthday my mother arranged a party for me and invited the girls in my day care (we began first grade the year we turned seven back then, and since my birthday is in summer, I turned 7 between the end of day care and the start of first grade). The only girl who couldn’t come, was the one I actually wanted to have there. Sigh. She had turned 3 recently, so she was a lot younger than me, but she was my favourite and she was the only one in day care who was welcome in ‘my world’ when I was off by myself and just wanted to be left alone. I felt protective of her. When I was in first grade, my mother wanted to throw a party for my 8th birthday but she must have sensed my reluctance, ‘cause she asked if I wanted to. I didn’t like anyone in school and didn’t want them there to ruin the day for me, so I blamed it on my birthday coming in the summer vacation, so it was a bad time. My mother was quick to say that it could be held before the actual date while we were still in school. I was quick to say no. She asked if I was sure, and I said yes. She told me to tell her if I changed my mind. I never changed my mind. My birthday parties should be those I wanted only, and they were already there.
Does that mean I was the one doing the excluding?
In the place we lived when I was 1-5 years old, there was only one other child I liked playing with, the girl who lived next door to us. We’d lived next door since we were 1 or 2, and our mothers used to place us together. I might have been more used to playing with her than actually liking her, I don’t know. My favourite game was exploring. I loved going behind the block we lived in (technically forbidden territory) but I didn’t dare go there alone I didn’t mind K’s presence, but whenshe moved a few months before us, I didn’t miss her either. Sometimes she wanted to play with a larger group of the local children, and would approach them. I would always stand by and watch for a little while, and leave (or get waaaay lost in daydreams) because I wasn’t interested in their games.
To the best of my knowledge (I have to put it that way, ‘cause I am very little aware of subtle things like exclusion) I wasn’t excluded by the other children, but I took no interest in them.
In the two daycares I went to, I would walk by myself and daydream, and be in my own world.
In the first year in Oslo I played with a girl in my stairwell. She was 3 years younger than me and a distant relative. There were some other children too, but they weren’t the regulars.
In my last year in daycare, there were 3 children I liked; the girl in my stairwell (but she liked playing with larger groups and I found their games boring and dumb), and the little girl mentioned above, and a boy two years younger than me. Unfortunately the latter two lived farther away, so I never saw them outside of daycare.
I hated school and when I attended, I just wanted to go there, do what I had to and get the bleep out. I’ve never been social, and I took no interest in the other children, and it never occurred to me that I “should”. I paid little to no attention to them, and they usually did the same. I never greeted anyone upon arrival (which I’ve been told later is uncommon), and I wasn’t greeted. I very seldom spoke to anyone because I had nothing to say, and most didn’t speak to me.
I didn’t care about them. Just like neighbours and people I pass in the street today, the other children of my childhood were just a huge grey anonymous mass, that to me was/is just part of the scenery.
When I did join any type of game they played, it was only about enjoying the game to me. I liked wrestling, war and cops and robbers, so I wanted to join when I saw them play those. I don’t think I ever was told to get lost. (I was the least favourite choice in PE, though ) Once the game was done, I left, because the fun was over and I had no interest in hanging around.
I don’t know if I was excluded, but if I was, it certainly was mutual exclusion.
Oh, some of the girls tried to exclude me from skipping rope games by yelling a rhyme that said no one else could join when I passed them by. It was beyond lame, seeing as I never could stand those games and always avoided them. Sometimes I’d grab the rope and have a pulling contest with them, or run away with it and play chase; sometimes because they pulled me out of my day dreams and annoyed me, sometimes just for the fun of it
I’ve heard that exclusion supposedly is a very common way for girls to bully, but if they have tried to use that against me, they failed. When I don’t care, I don’t care. For me exclusion would only hurt when it comes from someone I actually like and want to be with. There have only been a very few people I have liked enough IRL for their rejection of me to cause any hurt feelings.
I’m not (and wasn’t) into main stream people at all, so the so-called “cool kids” weren’t any cool in my eyes. I’m only drawn to people who differ in some way (and it has to be in the right way too).
I recently read an article about what they called subtle bullying. It described things like children pulling their desks, rucksacks etc away from the bullied child, or lending him/her a shorter pencil while others may lend longer ones. As I read it, I couldn’t help but feel that if anyone reacts to something that subtle, they gotta be extremely sensitive. I’d say too sensitive, IMHO. I very likely wouldn’t even have noticed if anyone did that.
The same article mentioned birthday parties as another potential problem (which is why I wrote so much about them), and said that if parents allow their child to not invite some children, they give them accept for excluding people, okaying it, and that they should have them understand what it felt like to be on the outside. I couldn’t help thinking that is it really any better to force your child to invite children s/he doesn’t want there. It’s his or her party, is it fair to force such things on them? I sure wouldn’t be happy about it if I had to have parties and wasn’t even allowed to invite only those I wanted.
In a more general sense, I don’t really think it’s fair to make someone have to allow someone they don’t like to tag along. I sure wouldn’t wish to have to spend my free time with people I don’t like. I did that more than enough in school, I will use my free time as I wish
In my adult life there hasn’t been many ways in which I could be excluded, because I’ve been almost exclusively with family. I did feel excluded once though, because there was someone I kinda looked up to and wanted to befriend, and while friendly she had no interest in getting better acquainted. I think that was the only time I felt excluded, and it made me very jealous of those she did like enough to befriend. It wasn’t really exclusion though, she just wasn’t interested. At the time I was really immature and reacted badly. I’m not proud of that, but at least I have learned from it.
My experience is that the boys were definitely worst with threats, violence and making me fear for my safety. Girls never scared me.
Last edited by Skilpadde on 16 Feb 2013, 9:55 am, edited 2 times in total.
15 Feb 2013, 1:09 am
). They did not like this and when I befriended the young girl (whose parents had just died) that they were picking on they turned on me as well. I seemed to be under the mistaken impression that I could be friends with all of them and not have to join in with the bullying side of it myself. I was apparently incorrect in my assumption.
