to aspie men here: how you do with other males

Page 1 of 2 [ 23 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

luminaeus
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 27

21 Feb 2013, 10:45 pm

I can generally have conversation with coworkers of any gender assuming they're nice (and patient) enough to tolerate (or find humorous) my social awkwardness. It's been a very long time since I've been friends with anyone. I don't know how I managed to get married.



Bomir
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 27 Feb 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 66

28 Feb 2013, 4:48 pm

I can talk to guys at work on a very mechanical or humorous level and educated men fairly well as they tend to be logical in their conversations. I have near 0 luck with the average guy who speaks what I call "bro-glish". I have absolutely no sense of why they talk or care about the things they seem to.



Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,129

28 Feb 2013, 5:38 pm

^ bro-glish, does that involve sports, e.g. from the players to the statistics?



Sonorum
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 3 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 8

04 Mar 2013, 8:25 pm

In general, I actually relate to women better. People on the spectrum are less likely to "get" gender-specific expectations (and social expectations in general) and find themselves "breaking the rules" of gender a lot. This has even lead to me not identifying with my gender much (not because I am feminine, but just because I never really got the world of the masculine). Women expect you to be different in the first place (since you are of another gender), and know that men are usually less socially sophisticated in general. So there is more forgiveness, and more freedom to let you act the way you want.

Women also limit men's behaviour less. Masculinity is mostly enforced by men (and femininity by women). Since they expect us to be different anyway, and aren't limiting our behaviour in sex-specific ways, there is more freedom to be ourselves (however, I've found women can be even more judging than men when it comes to ouright awkwardness, so it all depends on how much you've managed to improve your social skills). Besides, I have a lot of interests that aren't stereotypically masculine, and the lack of social inhibition that may be related to being on the spectrum has led to me developing (or just not supressing) my feminine side a lot more than other men have. (Obviously, if you are a woman you would be expected to live up to a totally different set of expectations, so this has more to do with getting along with the opposite gender than women per se.)

One thing that does hold me back though is sexual tension. Not on my end usually (I have a lot of female friends so I don't automatically fall in love with every woman I think is sexy, like some men with few female friends seem to), but I find it is sometimes an issue on the woman's end. It doesn't always prevent friendship, but it can hold back emotional and (platonic) physical intimacy. Women tend to be wary of men wanting to be their friends just top pursue them romantically, and since I've been on the other side of this situation myself a lot I understand that. Also women (and people in general) tend to feel a bit more threatened around men. But when there is no mutual attraction, and she senses that, a really close friendship can form (especially when the woman is understanding and sensitive, as NT women tend to be more often than men).

The exception is men that are kind of weird, off-kilter people themselves (though not necessarily on the spectrum), who I tend to relate to a little better than women who are the same way. Especially if we can break through the tendency of people in general not to open up emotionally to men. But I relate to "eccentric" women better than "NT types" of either sex, by far, and seek out relationships with them anyway. I find friendships with males and females have a slightly different quality to them, and you can't really replace what one has to offer in a friendship with the other gender. Again, women do tend to do emotional depth a little better, and things are made worse by the culture we have right now, with its suspicion and even ridicule of male intimacy. The difference can also enrich a friendship as well as being a challenge to it. Sharing different perspectives and all, especially when you have similar interests and personality traits on top of that.



uwmonkdm
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Mar 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 764
Location: Canada

07 Mar 2013, 1:05 am

Bomir wrote:
I can talk to guys at work on a very mechanical or humorous level and educated men fairly well as they tend to be logical in their conversations. I have near 0 luck with the average guy who speaks what I call "bro-glish". I have absolutely no sense of why they talk or care about the things they seem to.


Pretty much this.
I can talk to them about school, academic subjects, music maybe, work, gossip about girls maybe.
I've never had any girls that were just friends.. I've tried before, I ended up dating them.
I do wish I had a good female friend though, I feel more comfortable being myself and open / accepting support from a girl.. but of course those kinds of sharing experiences lead to a relationship usually :roll:



ShamelessGit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jul 2010
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 718
Location: Kansas

07 Mar 2013, 9:31 pm

I can get as much attention from males as I want whenever I want. I don't really have any close friends right now, but somehow just existing near other men seems to make some of them grow fond of me, even if I never initiate an interaction. I wish it were that easy with girls.



RafeRaed
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2013
Age: 62
Gender: Male
Posts: 10
Location: INTJ stranded on Terra, Sol system

15 Mar 2013, 11:27 pm

Sonorum, your comments resonate with me. This is my first post ever on any forum, so I probably made a dogs breakfast of it. As a male I find I get along better with female coworkers. I know nothing about most sports, except ski racing and soccer to a minor degree, and have little tolerance for chest thumping football recaps among my coworkers, colleagues, and bosses. Males try to out male each other. They are so hierarchical (dogs at the dog park sniffing and testing each other out). Metaphorical wiener wagging. If I were female, I would probably get along better with men. Women can be very hard on each other, torturing any woman who is slightly different. My spouse prefers working with men.

I dislike office small talk and do it poorly, but I have to do some of it to avoid being hated. So, I briefly feign interest while mentally counting down the seconds to getting back to work. After doing this for a few years, I sometimes have something to talk about briefly that is not a painful waste of time and energy. Sometimes I would like to telecommute, but i need more structure than working from home provides.


_________________
?Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.? - Frank Zappa


Mxzysptlik
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 14 Feb 2012
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 102

17 Mar 2013, 11:23 am

I do alright with them. Men are cool and all but I find women to be far more appealing. I mostly attract gay men attempting to date me. Apparently I look "gay" and "hot" so they'll try to talk to me. Men are cool, just kind of boring, I guess. I'm not interested in pointless confrontation, but I can hold my own when I have to. It just depends.