Learning social skills

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Has anyone been successful with learning social skills using their intellect to the point where it becomes intuitive?

I've actually felt like I have unconsciously made it my life mission to find out this stuff when I was younger and now have been able to use social skills more intuitively. But most of the stuff that I've read has said that aspies are socially awkward for life. I don't know, I am also a persistent person who went out and took many social risks, made many mistakes and have now been able to function pretty normally with socially acceptable quirks. But according to the DSM, unless I show social impairment, I don't have AS?

This is probably bothering me way more than is normal.

Some of the things that I did:
-mimicked people when I was really young
-engaged in the interests of other people even if they didn't interest me
-read a lot about social skills
-got hurt a lot, did not understand why and bothered loved ones about it
-practiced thinking from other points of view before speaking
-watched a lot of TV
-took acting classes for a while when I was younger
-exercised
-went out of my comfort zone in the attempt to learn new things

Most people didn't notice anything about me before, but after getting diagnosed, I kind of got even better at hiding it. I don't know, not everyone wants to just fit in but I did, and was successful at it. I am so confused now about autism and asperger's. Is it for life if I am an aspie and can do this? Does it mean that I'm not an aspie if I had problems understanding people but sought answers externally instead of turning inwards with repetitive behavours and interests?

Just because you eventually reach a point where you socialize to the point of intuition doesn't negate the stuff you learned by rote to get to the intuition stage.

Some of the things that I did:
-mimicked people when I was really young
-engaged in the interests of other people even if they didn't interest me
-read a lot about social skills
-got hurt a lot, did not understand why and bothered loved ones about it
-practiced thinking from other points of view before speaking
-watched a lot of TV
-took acting classes for a while when I was younger
-exercised
-went out of my comfort zone in the attempt to learn new things

I learned it too well. I did not like it at all. Then I regressed a bit.

Dale Carnegie can tell you a lot. I wish it weren't so, but what he says in that book is largely true. At least if you learn it, you will be even better at spotting genuine people when you [very rarely] run across one.

It doesn't matter much if a book says AS people are awkward for life. Since a lot of AS people can learn like a Vulcan, there is no reason to believe this. It's just a matter of getting certain breakthroughs, and they don't come easy at first. Today, I can do really well in any social situation. But I still like to avoid them, just because I do have this sensitivity and I know what I am dealing with, regarding any particular person, within seconds.

The DSM is a bunch of categorizations of things which cannot be categorized. It is necessary for those who work in psychological fields where others need to share the same language so everybody knows what is what. It was made up by people and is hardly binding on the universe at large.

AG

Social skills are now intuitive for me, I am even doing better than most NTs in some aspects. Unfortunately, my approach wasn't exactly based on hard effort, and I don't believe most people can achieve what I did.

Read novels and try to explain why are things written in the way they are. If someone does something you'd never consider, and you can't see why he does it, try to understand why did he do it (if this happened in real life, in front of you, it might be appropriate to even ask why did he do it). Ask a friend with very strong social skills and of very high intelligence (be cautious, as not all advice is correct). When you encounter that mental barrier while attempting to empathize with someone, don't give up, but TRY HARDER - even if it takes considerable effort - no, you won't hurt yourself. Read psychology. Try hard to read others - don't go by your habit of listening and reacting to the words, but actually try to explain to yourself why did they say that, read their face expression and pay attention to it, compare their reaction to how would you react in the same situation (if you can't possibly understand certain things, try to explain them with social rules). You will realize that you already knew some social rules, but didn't feel them and didn't know when do they apply. And yes, I used to be extremely social awkward - not only that, I also had the other aspie traits such as clumsiness.

The pieces of advice above would even be useful to NTs seeking to gain excellent social skills.

OP: I have had very similar experiences.

As a child, I had very awkward social skills and intense, all consuming interests, but even then, I wanted to be like my peers in many ways. When I realized why I was different, I did everything I could to adapt to the NT world. I developed much of my social skills by my own initiative, as I joined social groups for teens with disabilities and practiced with my NT peers. I also read everything I could on AS and begin to adjust my behavior according to what was "expected" or "typical". For example, like yourself, I learned to take into account other's perspectives instead of talking about myself, and to take interests in their interests and lives. I'm also at the point where most of my social skills are intuitive.

A few years ago, I used to firmly believe that since I was able to "fake it" well, I was cured since I showed no obvious, outward signs of social impairment. However, it's all about the level of processing that goes on internally. Regardless of how you learned social skills, they weren't natural to you as a child, and thus you have had to learn these separately, like a second language or learning to play the piano. You learned them through a different level of social processing: through concsious studying, information gathering and observation rather than in ways you've barely thought about. That, to me is what distinguishes someone on the spectrum: your non-intuitive way of learning social information, or the fact that you've looked to external rather than internal sources to develop your understanding of the social world.

Well I must say a big congrats to those on the forum who've mastered their social skills!

There's no reason why anyone with AS has to remain socially awkward. I am part of a local self-advocacy group and there are guys there that you would never guess had AS. And I think the key is, whichever way someone approaches it, is that as aspies we tend to be obsessive, and we're usually able to learn and understand certain things in more depth than the average neurotypical as a result of this.

So I have broken down the process of becoming socially attractive for the aspie into three steps.

1. Understand the skills and conversation techniques that socially skilled people apply

2. Practice using these skills and techniques (within the framework of your own personality). You can do this in any social setting, or you can get a group together and go through some helpful exersizes.

3. Keep a record of your social progress. This can include making a note of how people reacted to things you said, and even any jokes that you can remember bouncing about, that make people laugh.

Developing social skills may not come naturally and is harder work for the aspie. It may require a more analytical, systematic approach, when one lacks the natural social instincts. However, just like learning the dates of kings and queens or presidents, or all the car specifications etc (typical aspie persuits), you can learn to succeed socially if you really want it!