Trouble finding the right words....
Oral language is not our "mother tongue" for us aspies, it's our second language so we translate to "humanese" all the time when we speak. Our first language is an abstract sense.
I blew a fuse not so long ago among my friends, one of them asked me why I didn't want to go to some party, the reason is that I just didn't want to, then they all asked me again with a very condescending smirk, "but...why?". I stuttered which amplified their hilarity then I was like f**k you all why do i always have to explain myself all the time for all my decision.
I just HATE having to explain myself, especially when asked agressively, I don't even try now, I just shut myself down. Even though the concepts are pretty clear to me (I'm very intuitive), I just can't "communicate" it, put words into my feelings.
I could do that. Being interrupted bugs the hell out of me, especially since it means 9 times out of 10 I'll lose my train of thought and spend five to ten minutes standing silently in one place as I try to regain the train.
But -you said you stuttered, and were not forward, and got interrupted.''
Maybe you need a sounding board- a friend to say things to first. Or even just write it down on your word processor first- to marshal your thoughts- before you verbalize it to the people in your life.
When ever I explain something, I always feel like I'm being as forward as I can. But like I said, what makes sense to me isn't making sense to them. And it's only when they question me that I begin to stutter. I've tried writing things out first and even then they make little sense to anyone but me. Well, sometimes anyway. Sometimes they make sense, but I've seen it with papers I've written in school. I'll write something up that makes sense to me, but then the teacher writes in big red letters: "DOES NOT MAKE SENSE."
I think I might try the sounding board idea. But I'll have to explain exactly why I'm doing it to whoever I talk to, because the people in my life tend to like to make jokes when I'm trying to be serious. I've never understood that. I'll be trying to have a serious conversation with someone and then they make a joke. It pisses me off. Like, "hey, I'm trying to be serious here. This isn't funny." :/
Mummy_of_Peanut
Veteran
Joined: 20 Feb 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,564
Location: Bonnie Scotland
Quite often I can't find the right word, when I'm talking. If I'm with someone I'm really comfortable with and I don't find the word, it's not a problem. We find it together. But, if I'm in a more formal conversation, I get really stressed when this happens and it makes it even more difficult to find the word. At times, conversation can just flow from me, like it appears to on here. But, that's only ever when I'm with close family and friends anyway, the very time when I don't mind that I might stutter and roll my eyes, trying to find words. Why can't I be like that in an interview or with my daughter's teachers?
_________________
"We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiatic about." Charles Kingsley
I often find that one reason I can ramble a bit is because I am searching for the right words to use but am struggling to find them. So I will say something one way, think 'hmmm that's not what I mean exactly' so you then try and say it another way but 'hmmmm that's not what I mean either' ummmmm.......eerrrr.....ummmmmm.........
Meanwhile you're getting flustered because someone is waiting impatiently for a reply....
You expressed my own thoughts so well. I admire you for being able to write them down. I stumble alot to in verbal communication but also in written communication. It also depends on who I am talking to.
Most of the time people seem to have no clue what I am trying to say. And after trying to explain it in different ways I end up even confusing myself because the conversation will be going in so many different directions than what I mean.
It's just a simple things like asking a yes or no question.
Example:
Q: Do cats have tails?
A: Did you know great aunt had a cat with no tail.
Q: So does that mean that cats have no tail?
A: Well it depends on this... or that.... and did you know a cat uses his tail for balance blabla....
after such a conversation I am more confused that when I started. I guess sometimes people are looking for the words I am implying instead of listening to the words I am saying. But it works the other way round to I am guessing that when people speak they are actually implying different things than what they are actually saying.
So I try to put more effort into trying to find out what people are implying and finding the right interval to give little indications that I am listening than talking.
_________________
We shall not speak of rules until they are broken, once rules are broken rule-breakers will be retroactively penalized.
In my case I often run into problems because I always think in English and/or French so my mind is in another language than the words that leave my mouth.
This is really irritating and leaves me with long speech pauses, stutters, repeating of words and phrases and misuing words.
Some of my friends just laugh it off but I have had experiences that ended with the person I was talking to getting annoyed and hasty.
Even in English it is often hard for me to write or say something properly because then my mind starts to think in German and/or French.
It is really weird and I have yet to find a way to get rid of it, even planning the things I say doesn't help.
A: Did you know great aunt had a cat with no tail.
Q: So does that mean that cats have no tail?
A: Well it depends on this... or that.... and did you know a cat uses his tail for balance blabla....
Sorry for posting another post right after mine, but I feel the desire and urge to give my personal input on this.
I often get offtopic or don't get to the point because I throw around facts or just talk about it way too long.
Explaining things isn't something I am good at either due to that
I have the same problem when I speak english or french.
How can I describe this... it's as if when I speak, many words in my mind tends to push one another, kind of like when people are too impatient to enter some store on a "Black Friday" (when everything's being sold at low price), but the door's way too small and they end up pushing each other to see who'll be able to squeeze in first.
It results in me pausing and thinking or always saying out loud "Oh, what was that word again, I forgot..." or ending up saying something that doesn't really make sense to the other party. This happens whenever I try to explain a subject, express my thoughts, opinions and feelings. I always feel that I have worded things wrong and could've done better.
This is why lately, I have been considering switching to writing, since it gives me the time to think things through, look up for the right vocabulary and context usage. I don't know if it'll help my problem immensely, but I won't find out if I don't give it a shot.
notinabox43
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: 18 Aug 2011
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 69
Location: Australia
I have trouble knowing how to start, when I'm presented with a big story to tell, or even a little story, which my mind immediately presents to me as a multi faceted complicated entity.
I freeze and its not as if I have nothing to say, although that's what it looks like to outsiders, it's more that I'm trying to find the way in.
Sometimes I just launch in, grab on to the first thing that occurs to me, realise it doesn't make sense to outsiders, let that one go and grab another, until I finally find a way to start to describe the whole thing to those who can't see it!
Stu
Lucky for you. Me, I don't want to talk most of the time because I can predict it'll always turn sour and I want to avoid situations that can rise my stress and anger level. However, what's irritating is individuals thinks (especially my mother) that I'm sulking when I'm not talking and staring. It's kind of annoying that people can already misunderstand without the usage of verbalism.
Makes me feel sick and my brains wanting to explode from this kind of stupid logic.
Stu
Haven't your friends, your family or teachers ever asked you how you are feeling?
I usually just respond with a somewhat sarcastic response that is not too defining that I always heard my grandfather say.
Similar Topics | |
---|---|
Finding introverted friends |
10 Mar 2024, 3:28 pm |
Random Work And Finding A Job |
04 Apr 2024, 2:16 pm |
Finding other Aspies at college? |
11 Mar 2024, 2:30 pm |
Help with finding friends, Love & Hope |
21 Mar 2024, 9:52 am |