She shouldn't have even messaged me

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SPKx
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21 Mar 2013, 12:39 am

Because it seems like everyone is assuming that I did something wrong and didn't follow proper etiquette. I want to clarify EXACTLY how this conversation went down.

- She messaged me first and actually asked me about whether I get any messages, to which I responded "Not often."

- She then says another message saying that she thought that I was cute.

- Before I can reply, she sends another message, which said something to the extent of "Except take it easy with the movies. It's too much!"

If she didn't take issue with my love of movies, I would have gone into the normal "get to know you" mode of messaging and everything would be fine. However, there was something about the tone she used that made it seem like she was making fun of me for being a fan of movies. I didn't know how to continue. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity to talk to someone, who was interested. However, I also didn't want to change who I am, just so I can get a date.

The whole experience is now long behind me.



JBlitzen
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21 Mar 2013, 3:26 am

Don't overthink it.

Post your profile so we can look at it and see if maybe she was trying to offer constructive criticism in some demented way.



Geekonychus
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21 Mar 2013, 9:01 am

SPKx wrote:
Because it seems like everyone is assuming that I did something wrong and didn't follow proper etiquette. I want to clarify EXACTLY how this conversation went down.

- She messaged me first and actually asked me about whether I get any messages, to which I responded "Not often."

- She then says another message saying that she thought that I was cute.

- Before I can reply, she sends another message, which said something to the extent of "Except take it easy with the movies. It's too much!"

If she didn't take issue with my love of movies, I would have gone into the normal "get to know you" mode of messaging and everything would be fine. However, there was something about the tone she used that made it seem like she was making fun of me for being a fan of movies. I didn't know how to continue. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity to talk to someone, who was interested. However, I also didn't want to change who I am, just so I can get a date.

The whole experience is now long behind me.
This is pretty much what everyone had assumed already........

It's hard to decipher tone from a message but it seemed pretty clear that she was doing some lighthearted teasing and you took it as an insult.



danmac
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21 Mar 2013, 1:16 pm

SPKx wrote:
Because it seems like everyone is assuming that I did something wrong and didn't follow proper etiquette. I want to clarify EXACTLY how this conversation went down.

- She messaged me first and actually asked me about whether I get any messages, to which I responded "Not often."

- She then says another message saying that she thought that I was cute.

- Before I can reply, she sends another message, which said something to the extent of "Except take it easy with the movies. It's too much!"

If she didn't take issue with my love of movies, I would have gone into the normal "get to know you" mode of messaging and everything would be fine. However, there was something about the tone she used that made it seem like she was making fun of me for being a fan of movies. I didn't know how to continue. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity to talk to someone, who was interested. However, I also didn't want to change who I am, just so I can get a date.

The whole experience is now long behind me.


when you said you just blog about them, that's were you lost me. you can't say your not obsessed with movies and then say you blog about them?


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SPKx
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21 Mar 2013, 2:45 pm

danmac wrote:
SPKx wrote:
Because it seems like everyone is assuming that I did something wrong and didn't follow proper etiquette. I want to clarify EXACTLY how this conversation went down.

- She messaged me first and actually asked me about whether I get any messages, to which I responded "Not often."

- She then says another message saying that she thought that I was cute.

- Before I can reply, she sends another message, which said something to the extent of "Except take it easy with the movies. It's too much!"

If she didn't take issue with my love of movies, I would have gone into the normal "get to know you" mode of messaging and everything would be fine. However, there was something about the tone she used that made it seem like she was making fun of me for being a fan of movies. I didn't know how to continue. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity to talk to someone, who was interested. However, I also didn't want to change who I am, just so I can get a date.

The whole experience is now long behind me.


when you said you just blog about them, that's were you lost me. you can't say your not obsessed with movies and then say you blog about them?


I have a University degree in Cinema and Media Studies. In my opinion, having a love and appreciation for movies is different about having an obsession. I'm sure if the same passion was about fine art, most people wouldn't give a damn. However, just because I see movies more than the average person, it is somehow a negative.



goldfish21
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21 Mar 2013, 3:18 pm

One man's special interest is another woman's obsession...

It doesn't matter how you perceive your interest in movies when you're talking about interacting with others.

You may see it as a passion.
I view it as an ASD "special interest."
But neither of our opinions count in this instance, as the only person's perception that matters in this case is the girl who was turned off.
She perceived you as obsessed.

Don't be angered by that. Be thankful for the constructive criticism and use the lesson to modify your dating site profile as well as your behaviour. This seems to be a classic case of someone on the spectrum not being able to tell that others simply aren't as interested in their special interest as they are, and you don't understand how you could possible be perceived as obsessive about it. It doesn't matter IF you understand, only that you were perceived by another as obsessed. It's the perception of others that matters most in the social world. Period. So, learn from this whole ordeal and change your approach or you're bound to get the same results over and over again if you continue to do the same thing.


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SPKx
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21 Mar 2013, 3:41 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
You may see it as a passion.
I view it as an ASD "special interest."


I really don't like the term "special interest." It makes it sound like my love for movies is an unnatural interest caused by my ASD. I know people who are passionate about movies and DON'T have Asperger's, so don't try to explain my passions away.

goldfish21 wrote:
Be thankful for the constructive criticism and use the lesson to modify your dating site profile as well as your behaviour.


You know, this is why I don't really like online dating much anymore. I have to sell myself as someone I am not, just so people don't think I am a wierdo. To tell the truth, it is impossible for me to express my real self online. I try to rewrite my profile countless times, but it does not really seem to matter much. I have been lucky to meet people, however they all ended in disappointment.

I have kept up online dating in the hope that I'll luck out, but I don't really care anymore.

This conversation is over.



goldfish21
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21 Mar 2013, 4:00 pm

Of course people can be passionate about interests that don't have AS, but when someone with AS has an intensely passionate interest in something that borders on being obsessive... it's called a special interest. I have them, most of us do. So what? Why give a flying f**k what name or label is given to an interest/passion/whatever? It just is what it is, whatever it is to you, whatever it is to me, but in this case and most importantly - it is whatever it is to the other person you're communicating with, and how they perceive it is the only thing that matters. If they view it as an obsession, then accept that as their perception and adjust your approach and tone about it in order not to run the risk of that again. It really is that simple.


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ripped
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21 Mar 2013, 10:55 pm

If she's really that picky and fickle, why would you want her anyway? :?



JBlitzen
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22 Mar 2013, 3:13 am

Said it once, I'll say it again. Post your profile and let's see if we can un-fuck it. It's not about changing you, it's about representing you better. Same way a photograph from the right angle can work much better than one from the wrong angle.



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22 Mar 2013, 9:20 am

I doubt there is anything wrong with his profile. If the right girl is out there on okcupid she'll respond to it. The key for him is to not overreact and get all defensive. The girl was doing some light hearted teasing and he responded with insecurity and defensiveness. I bet if he had owned up to his obsession and actually got her talking about stuff SHE liked it could have transitioned into a real converstaion and even a date.



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22 Mar 2013, 10:50 am

SPKx wrote:
Because it seems like everyone is assuming that I did something wrong and didn't follow proper etiquette. I want to clarify EXACTLY how this conversation went down.

- She messaged me first and actually asked me about whether I get any messages, to which I responded "Not often."

- She then says another message saying that she thought that I was cute.

- Before I can reply, she sends another message, which said something to the extent of "Except take it easy with the movies. It's too much!"

If she didn't take issue with my love of movies, I would have gone into the normal "get to know you" mode of messaging and everything would be fine. However, there was something about the tone she used that made it seem like she was making fun of me for being a fan of movies. I didn't know how to continue. I didn't want to pass up this opportunity to talk to someone, who was interested. However, I also didn't want to change who I am, just so I can get a date.

The whole experience is now long behind me.



I don't even know why I'm writing this.

When you responded "not often" about getting messages, that probably came across as aloof and possibly disinterested, maybe even insecure, so when she then called you cute and tried to tease you(not in a cruel way) it really seems to me that she was trying, but your responses were all about you and your interest in movies, validating your interests etc.

She was trying and it seems to me like you just kind of ignored the opportunity to actually make any kind of connection with this girl.

It's fine if you don't believe you're doing anything wrong, but it's your misery you're living in.


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