A possible explanation for failed relationships.

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aspiemike
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09 Mar 2013, 4:56 pm

Not sure if I should post this here, or in social skills since this post can easily apply there in friendship terms.

It's funny what my conciousness or awareness tells me. I said to a friend of mine about dating and relationships and after suffering a little recently how things seem to work out in the world. However, people forget that suffering is a natural thing and that most people tend to do it alone because others don't want to be around a person that is suffering. The other people will say "Oh, that person is depressing, I can't be around them as it makes me feel bad." Remember the quote "Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep and you weep alone." This is a good example of how people suffer in the world, they do it alone... especially if they blame others for all of the suffering they endure. There will be people that will hurt you and it is what it is. I find the sooner I accept the fact that someone hurt me, the easier it is to end the suffering I go through and the less blame that gets put on others.

Now let's apply this to something that has happened to me and probably to many people on this forum. Gender roles can be reversed as well as this can happen to both men and women.

Why do women leave me out of their life when they break up with me? Simple. People always said that the man has to be in control. Once the man has lost the control, the attraction the woman has more often than not disappears since she realizes and says to herself "I am in control of this guy, I don't want him around anymore." This usually happens early on. Of course, the later this development happens, the harder it would be for the woman to leave since she may have developed a true feeling of love. This is regardless of alpha male BS. This is when the man loses control of himself and the women is inclined to feel less attracted to him. She starts labelling the guy to feel better about herself. Ultimately, the woman has decided that the guy doesn't fit the mold of what she wants, and the guy on the other hand was probably suffering beforehand and made the mistake of asking for guidance (thus making the women superior to him.)
This is why I deal with my suffering alone and without asking for help. I know people won't be of help for me for a variety of reasons. It also teaches me that I cannot rely on the girl that labelled me and walked away. Guess what happens with that friendship when I realize this fact? It ends. No reason to make myself miserable anymore after figuring out that she would ditch me the first chance she got. She had her chance and she said "no thanks"

To repeat: People naturally don't want to be around a person that is suffering either. It makes them feel bad or guilty and noone ever wants to have those negative feelings.



minervx
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09 Mar 2013, 5:46 pm

what people want from courtship is not always the same as what they want from a relationship, as you outlined.

and when relationships fail, it's never entirely one person's fault. and often it's neithers fault, but just differences in needs.



aspiemike
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09 Mar 2013, 5:54 pm

Yes very true Minervx

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uwmonkdm
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10 Mar 2013, 12:41 am

I've had the same experience - anytime I showed any weakness, sadness, or dependence (even a TINY amount) ... she seemed less attracted to me, in all ways. I even brought this up with an ex girlfriend and she told me it doesn't affect anything, women want a man who's "open" etc.
But in all honesty, and reality, I think women are looking for prince charming - he's always brave, determined, focused, and treats her like a princess etc.
Meanwhile men are looking for their insatiable pornstar, and essentially a male version of them outside of the bedroom.
We're both messed up and screwed, welcome to the 21st century. :lol:



IlovemyAspie
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10 Mar 2013, 1:12 am

Quote:
I even brought this up with an ex girlfriend and she told me it doesn't affect anything, women want a man who's "open" etc.


I feel this way. I feel if a man is willing to open up to me and become vulnerable, that only deepens the bond we have. There's a time to be strong, but there's also a time to let your guard down and have those human moments we all need experience.

Quote:
I think women are looking for prince charming - he's always brave, determined, focused, and treats her like a princess etc.


I just a guy to be strong when necessary....but not all of the time. And I'm not gonna lie, I do wanna be spoiled!! But I'll reciprocate 100%. :wink:



aspiemike
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10 Mar 2013, 1:21 am

I'll tell you one thing to continue on with the thread. The most recent rejection I got was from the girl I picked from the two I was dating/hanging out with. The girl I didn't pick hates me now. But after the rejection, i felt awful and now I found out that the girl was actually going to leave her bf but changed her mind after I announced my feelings for her (seems to be a gamechanger in it's own right). After another week and a few bs conversations where I know I wasn't my normal self around her, I decided to let go for good. It's at this point i realized the smart thing to do is to not talk to the person who rejected you until they are no longer on your mind in a romantic way.



IlovemyAspie
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10 Mar 2013, 1:27 am

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the smart thing to do is to not talk to the person who rejected you until they are no longer on your mind in a romantic way.


BINGO!! !! ! :D

It's the no contact rule. No contact what so ever until you have no feelings one way or the other. You're not bashing that person every chance you get and your heart isn't still fluttering when you think about them. Once that has taken place, then you are free to try to reconnect on a friendship level.



aspiemike
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10 Mar 2013, 1:34 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Quote:
the smart thing to do is to not talk to the person who rejected you until they are no longer on your mind in a romantic way.


BINGO!! !! ! :D

It's the no contact rule. No contact what so ever until you have no feelings one way or the other. You're not bashing that person every chance you get and your heart isn't still fluttering when you think about them. Once that has taken place, then you are free to try to reconnect on a friendship level.


Yes, even when she confuses you and says that she "wants her Mikey back" and uses the same flirty talk as before, but then says stupid s**t like "why can't you act normal" and "You will find your love one day." Good reason for a no contact rule right there.



IlovemyAspie
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10 Mar 2013, 2:13 am

aspiemike wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
Quote:
the smart thing to do is to not talk to the person who rejected you until they are no longer on your mind in a romantic way.


BINGO!! !! ! :D

It's the no contact rule. No contact what so ever until you have no feelings one way or the other. You're not bashing that person every chance you get and your heart isn't still fluttering when you think about them. Once that has taken place, then you are free to try to reconnect on a friendship level.


Yes, even when she confuses you and says that she "wants her Mikey back" and uses the same flirty talk as before, but then says stupid sh** like "why can't you act normal" and "You will find your love one day." Good reason for a no contact rule right there.


IGNORE THAT BS!! ! Close the door on that relationship. And when she comes knocking, don't answer. Let her miss out on you.



Philosoraptor
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10 Mar 2013, 2:14 am

Isn't the purpose of a relationship to share the emotional load of life, both good and bad? Or, in this case, are you referring to specifically to failed sexual relationships? Or are you implying that a relationship with the purpose of sharing the emotional load of life, when including the inevitable bad, is a paradox in that its mere purpose defeats it?

Or, did I not get a word of what you said?



aspiemike
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10 Mar 2013, 7:26 am

Philosoraptor wrote:
Isn't the purpose of a relationship to share the emotional load of life, both good and bad? Or, in this case, are you referring to specifically to failed sexual relationships? Or are you implying that a relationship with the purpose of sharing the emotional load of life, when including the inevitable bad, is a paradox in that its mere purpose defeats it?

Or, did I not get a word of what you said?


I'm not referring to sexual relationships specifically. I should have made it more clear earlier instead of waiting to post it in my 3rd post of this thread. The feeling a man gets when he admits his feelings for a girl he likes and gets rejected for it (in my case, it happened a few days after sex happened and the day I broke the heart of another girl), only to get mixed signals and the girl constantly backing out of meetings because of it.
From a social perspective and with people you are only friends with anyway, the second you suffer is the second they would rather leave you alone than help. reason being is because you are depressing and negative and they don't want to help because they feel you are "draining" them. Sad thing is, the people that run away from you were the ones that came to you with their problems before and would open up and want to talk and do something to make them happy. But the second you needed it, they ran away.
And of course, from my perspective, I know now that if I have to suffer for any period of time, I'll do it alone. Why? Because it's obvious to me that noone wants to be around when it happens to me It's probably better this way because it's easier to grow when you don't have others telling you what to do and how to act. You have your space to collect yourself and re-energize.



mercifullyfree
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10 Mar 2013, 1:00 pm

This hits my most recent e-dumping. I falsely assumed that since this person said that honesty is one of the things they like about me and that since I had listened through all the times they vented their problems at me, that it would be alright for me to express when I was feeling like s**t. I was wrong.



Philosoraptor
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10 Mar 2013, 3:06 pm

aspiemike wrote:
Philosoraptor wrote:
Isn't the purpose of a relationship to share the emotional load of life, both good and bad? Or, in this case, are you referring to specifically to failed sexual relationships? Or are you implying that a relationship with the purpose of sharing the emotional load of life, when including the inevitable bad, is a paradox in that its mere purpose defeats it?

Or, did I not get a word of what you said?


I'm not referring to sexual relationships specifically. I should have made it more clear earlier instead of waiting to post it in my 3rd post of this thread. The feeling a man gets when he admits his feelings for a girl he likes and gets rejected for it (in my case, it happened a few days after sex happened and the day I broke the heart of another girl), only to get mixed signals and the girl constantly backing out of meetings because of it.
From a social perspective and with people you are only friends with anyway, the second you suffer is the second they would rather leave you alone than help. reason being is because you are depressing and negative and they don't want to help because they feel you are "draining" them. Sad thing is, the people that run away from you were the ones that came to you with their problems before and would open up and want to talk and do something to make them happy. But the second you needed it, they ran away.
And of course, from my perspective, I know now that if I have to suffer for any period of time, I'll do it alone. Why? Because it's obvious to me that noone wants to be around when it happens to me It's probably better this way because it's easier to grow when you don't have others telling you what to do and how to act. You have your space to collect yourself and re-energize.


See, these are the kinds of people I would actively avoid having relationships with. It's disappointing when it happens, but it is probably best for these relationships to end sooner than later.

In these relationships, one party needs to be dragged along emotionally in order to stay afloat, but that party is unwilling to do the same to the other party, making it a one-sided emotional relationship. Now, this kind of relationship typically takes place when the second party doesn't want the emotional relationship but prefers something else (sexual relationship, security, etc.), which can keep it largely reciprocal...for a while.

For anyone looking for emotional connections in a relationship, people obviously seek mutual excitement. However, for that to even potentially exist, one must also accept the potential for mutual "draining". Because...well...that's life.


TLDR: The people you describe seem to want to have their cake and eat it too, and thus should be avoided if a successful emotional relationship is the goal.