had an epiphany.

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So tonight I went out, and went an event then went to the events afterparty that was in a bar.

Well I'd been making eye contact with a couple of girls at the event sporadically, and one of them even took my picture.. they were mostly cute and I know they are intelligent.. But at the event it was impossible to talk to them as they were all pretty busy and I was busy.

But at the after party I couldn't talk to them.. I became so socially self conscience of the number of people in the small place, of the food smells and beer smells and noise of all the tvs and pool tables and people talking.. and my nemesis karaoke... that I just got as far back into the corner as I could and couldn't go talk to anyone.. even when people invited me over to their table I couldn't manage to get involved in their conversation because I was so anxious.

I eventually just left without telling anyone, and went and sat in my car and cried about my ex-fiance because when me and her went places her massive extroversion balanced out my introversion and we both functioned at a very normal sort of level.. but now I feel like I'm worse than I was before because now I know what it actually feels like to be treated as a normal person rather than the weirdo...

I cried for about 2 hours until I was finally able to make it home after having a chat with a police officer who came to see if there was anything the matter. He offered to call some one to come and get me but said it would mean I'd have to pay a ticket on my car. So I just said no that I'd be okay and I left and went home.

I didn't have any problem talking to him one on one in a completely rational manner.. but it was quiet and he was very calm in his approach.

But it finally dawned on me on my way home that after all these years of assuming people just didn't like me or were purposefully being mean to me.. I realized I was actually pushing them away due to not being personable and outgoing and interacting with them.. I can interact with small groups of people.. but trying to do it in big groups with all the other stuff goign on around me is just to much.. It's no wonder I have such a hard time finding friends and relationships.. practically all the places that exist to meet people are places that send my social anxiety into overdrive...

I wish I was religious because then i could try and meet people through church.. or bible study or something.. but I'm not and I'm not going to lie to people about something that is that important to them just to try and make a new friend or get a girlfriend.. that's not fair to them or me..

It's all the other stuff at the events you say that is causing the sensory issues. I personally believe that you have it in you to go out there and communicate with people and overcome that fear. But I believe you will have to control your sensory issues first.

Now you have something to build on. This was the first step....recognition



I believe this as well

I just don't know how to do that. All those other things just become opressive.. but mostly it's the huge number of people in a very small space that does it..

I have always been anxious about that.. shopping malls and what not.. another thing me and her seemed to balance each other out about.. both of us really hated crowds and malls but did okay so long as we were together... But when it comes to just me I can't handle it and recede into the woodwork if I can.

I am NT and cannot communicate or meet new people in places that have competing TVs, music and loud talking. It's not due to social anxiety; it's due to noise overload.

Where I meet friends are not places created specifically for meeting people; but that's not necessary. I've met friends at school, work, in my neighborhood, at special interest clubs and yes, at church.

Place where I've met the majority of adult friends that I currently spend time with; outdoors in the neighborhood; walking, gardening & watching wildlife. (None of my family lives in my region of the country.) Otherwise, I'd guess it would be a large portion of friends of family.

What I'm saying is; you don't need bars to meet friends. And when I think of my friend's friends; I don't think any of them met in bars.

I have the opposite problem. I'm naturally outgoing and would just talk to everyone ever, and then I realized I was a huge socially awkward idiot who nobody liked. So now I just decided to be closed off and not talk to people really.

that's great but theres never any girls at those places, like my special interests are all very academic.. but I also like soccer so I go sometimes to watch EPL games at a bar.. well I can't drink cause I have to drive 30 miles home.. and when everyone else gets super excited I just want to watch the tv (driving to the bar is cheaper than getting the cable package with Fox Soccer so I could watch at home) but the only women who are things like that are either the wives and girlfriends of the other guys, or the ladies who work in the bar.

In class, because I've still not made it to my upper level 3000+ classes yet, most of the girls at my school are just there to be there.. some do well some don't care just like the guys in the same classes.

So what I'm struggling with is not so much how to make friends, I think at this point in my life I have all the real friends I'm going to get.. I can make acquaintances fairly easy.. what I'm having trouble with is meeting girls. The event I went to is one which LOADS of girls were at it, but then when we went to the bar they were all having such a good time and getting so drunk I just didn't want to interupt them as I felt it would be rude...

oh well. I guess I just have to sit and hope I wind up attracting another extreme extrovert like the last time.

Yup. Better to look for situations that won't have all the bright loud stuff happening all around.



You might be able to find, say, a meetup.com group that tries to focus on questions of the spirit that don't involve a specific religion and/or its dogma. No guarantees; such a group might end up full of pseudo-intellectuals, or worse, but worth a try.

With regard to fairness, glad to see you're aware of this. Too few people, Aspie or otherwise, are.

At one point in my life, magnesium deficiency made my sensory anxiety much worse. It seemed to go back to a lower level after that was identified and fixed. There's another user here who obtained far more dramatic results than I, in part, by addressing the magnesium issue.

I also noticed that sleep deprivation makes sensory issues worse. So maybe check to make sure you're getting the full 7-8 hours of sleep every night. Caffeine helps some people with sensory processing issues.

None of these things are a complete cure. But every little thing helps.

Sometimes just recognizing the situation is all you need to work through it. So now that you know the trigger... Go to your corner a minute and force yourself to isolate each thing... The smells of the foods. Identify them for your self as much as you can. Then the noises the same way... When you feel yourself getting overloaded just start isolating things again. The mind is a powerful machine. We have used a similar method in our home to get through a lot of things. I am NT and my son and BF are Aspie. It has worked for all of us. Knowledge is power. You don't want this keeping you from getting girls so just remind yourself. And if you managed to do ok socially with your ex... You can totally do it on your own. She was just your touch point... Your security. You can do this.

Last edited by LoriB on 14 Mar 2013, 5:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

At least you now understand why organized religion spreads like wildfire, OP.
And I also had this same epiphany years ago, it didn't really change much
I'm not quite that socially "awkward" though, I mean.. I've told a few people I may have AS or some form of autism and they don't believe me, I should try to get a job as an actor...

The thing is in a classroom setting I can do just fine.. in the school cafe I can do just fine.. In a lot of bars I can do just fine.. but this was just too much.. I don't normally go to places like this with all the electronics and stuff and tvs all going off.. usually if I go some place it's to watch Soccer matches and so they have like 1 big tv and everyone is watching it and theres not 30 different conversations all going on at the same time. I think as much as it sucks I'm going to have to just skip the next one that I get invited to. I'd rather fake a prior engagement than wind up freaking out in front of these people and alienating them some how.

Yeah I suppose about the religions thing..

Sensory overload, I get the same way. I had to argue with my high school to let me listen to music in class while I did my work because I couldn't focus over the random chatter... that buzzing noise that all the voices meld into. Drives me insane, literally.

Sounds like someone needs to smoke a joint before going to busy social places like that. After all, it is called high functioning for a reason..

ROTFLMAO! That is too funny "high" functioning. That would work unless it makes him paranoid lol

I don't do drugs, ever.