Social situations - How do you self assess?

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This is the thing that is bothering me the most. Just really anxious today, I've had too many people dismiss me and I am getting so sick of it happening as they can just go away and get on with their lives and I can't.

How can you tell if you can understand social cues or not, how do you know if you have missed them?

It's always the same, I'm in a group and trying really hard. I am only ever in this group through circumstance like other co-workers, co-volunteers or students on a course I am taking. Sometimes I feel comfortable, other times I don't. At first I think I am doing great, saying the right things and suddenly everyone starts pairing off and I'm left thinking well what was wrong with me?. Or did someone try and I didn't notice or what? These pairs tend to be impenetrable, it never seems that anyone ever tries to involve me in anything or want to work with me unless they are just using me. Except for older people they are the exception to this rule and other people who for their own reasons sit on the social fringe too but they I have noticed are prone to vanishing.

It then seems like there is this large group of people which I am technically part of but yet am not supposed to be there, I'm just there because some social rule somewhere dictates that it would be impolite to tell me to go away. This can go so far than eventually people just stop involving me at all like at a break, even if I sit on the large table everyone else just starts sitting somewhere else or I sit on the little table and everyone groups together in the large. It almost feels personal.

Sometimes I think I have mastered the situation and I get into a conversation with someone and the next day they have paired with someone else and I can sense I am no longer welcome in the little group. This has happend to be when I was 5 dealing with other 5 year old right up until now at 28 dealing with other adults.

Even in all the tests AQ and Rdos I tick that I am not confused by social situations because from my perspective I am doing everything right. And I can react to a whole range of expressions without thinking about it just the other day I noticed a fellow volunteer what sad. I asked if she was OK and it was something stupid to do with flowers but I did the right thing and listened to her. And I can always tell when I have killed the conversation taking it too deep or too intellectual. Yes I can even sense annoyance when I try to involve myself in the impenetrable pairs too. So I must be able to read cues surely.

I ask because I must be missing something this has happened too many times now for it just to be a coincidence.

I am now naturally very anxious and self aware but who wouldn't be if they always end up being the outcast.

If I bring up my troubles, often in an artificial situation with an adviser of some kind, generally with a person who has been paid or is otherwise obliged to listen to me, then I am instantly dismissed. Typical response is 'well your doing fine now' or ' everyone feels like that sometimes' or 'I do that sometimes'. I'm great in these situations because I have done it so many times I know what to expect, I know to focus, I can tell the back and forth is quiet natural.

I am confused about even what I am confused about, and sick of people who can just go away and sit with there friends that they made in an instant after telling me they feel just like me.

Can't ask family because they have a knee jerk reaction of your fine, your fine, all I want is a bit of honesty don't understand why that is so difficult.

If you want to solve your problems you have to "recover" from autism through coping techniques. Nothing else is really going to work, according to my experiences.

To act more non-autistic you have to think of the world through the glasses of your own life. You ALWAYS consider the world through the glasses of your own life, not in the objective way autistics sometimes do. Something is interesting because it has a connection to your life or someone else's life. Something is important because it is important to your life or someone else's life. Nothing is interesting simply because it is interesting (the way autistics may feel about their obsessions).

In practice, if you desire to live less autistic, you have to be more "irritated" with your surroundings. Being irritated with your surroundings is a sign that you think about your own life. You are irritated that your needs are not fulfilled, hence you act in order to have them fulfilled. This is called motivation. This is also the reason why a lot of autistics cannot find the inner motivation. To think less like an autist think like "I'm really annoyed that my surroundings do not serve my needs (and thereby my life) more than they do. Well, since they don't, I'll have to do it myself. And I will do anything in order to have them fulfilled."

This will make you less self-aware, less anxious, and more confident. You'll gain motivation and a feeling you're someone of importance, not someone who is "just there".

I know exactly what you mean I have no idea what the answer is, sorry. For me, I think it's because I have body language that says "come near me and I'll stab you", especially when I'm anxious. If you're anxious, it's possible you have this tense and stand-offish body language. Also, people like people for strange reasons, eg. emotions, achieving/progressing in some way (sucking up to the boss, rich people, famous people in the hope you can get some of what they have). I don't get it and it's probably why I'm in a similar situation.

You could read up on body language and social interaction. A Field Guide to Earthling's is a great book that is written by a person with AS and I found it much easier to understand compared to other books.

Appearance is a big one too. If you aren't matching the expected appearance then you've marked yourself as different, eg. in an office, clean, shaved, dress clothes. If you have negative body language then people will avoid you too.

Maybe try to think if there is anything you're doing (don't over think it) and then just try to be friendly to people and make one friend that could get you into the group.

Also cliques. They're a b***h and that's not your fault.

It seems in this post I started out with a valid question and ended up losing my point mid rant. A line from the Disney Animated Film Pocahontas has always rang true with me, 'The things you never knew you never knew'. So when the world is moving by so fast, and you know, and you always have know you don't quiet have a place in it how do you exactly pinpoint what part of your interactions with this world is causing your problems.

Didn't think this was possible to recover like one would recover from a virus?



An explanation perhaps to why I am useless in a discussion. Too open to discussion and exploration to defend my expressed issue. This I have observed to be a key principle of who is right and who is wrong and inevitably I am always left wrong for the sake of the idea yet the idea seems to no longer be the central as the discussion becomes personal.

Things must be interesting because they are interesting, is that not the basis of entertainment. Following soap operas and celebrities how is this central to anyone's life. An observation is a common interest may make it easier to interact with others and deviation may cause unpopularity but who decides on that interest. I simply do not find popular things interesting and most others don't share my interests either.

BTW I am so not interested in becoming less autistic, just interested in a reliable means of self assessment in a world that would rather me suffer and be considered normal than accept I am different and have me be more at more at ease.

Thank you Shyengineer, there was a time I used to believe I was completely alone.

It isn't. There are a lot of quack treatments out there that will claim to cure autism, but nothing that has been scientifically supported. The closest is ABA, but the only study that actually found any evidence of a cure was published back before we knew about AS or HFA (and the 'cured' kids probably just became high-functioning), and has never been replicated despite many further studies. Plus, ABA works best on preschoolers anyway.

In order to become less autistic, read everything qawer says and do the opposite:

Um, no... in order to be less autistic, you need to think of the world more through the glasses of other people's lives. It's called empathy, suck it.



Autistics are very irritated by their surroundings. It's called sensory overload.



That's what people with autism really need.



"Au" is Greek for self. "Tismos" is Greek for action. Thus, "au" "tist" is someone who does everything by and for themselves without thought of others.

i do know that i missed a cue again, even though i did not notice the social cue directly: i observe the others in a group, judging on reactions in mannerisms, i usually realise some nonverbal 'command' was given, and i copy the reactions i see around me.

I've experienced the same. I was completely oblivious growing up and in college and was always on the outside and not understanding what I was missing. NTs start by complimenting each other, showing interest in the other person and smiling while acknowledging any common interests. "Oh you watch that show? I love that show. What did you think of the last episode?" There is the reciprocity and focus on the other person in that kind of exchange. My problem is I can start the exchange but then get extremely uncomfortable if things go good because I can't tell if the other person really likes me or if they're too faced. And of course I take it extremely personally if things go poorly.

Before these interactions there are facial expressions and body language. So that might be going on too.

I can rarely tell exactly what I did wrong either, and often think things are going fine until it becomes obvious they weren't. That's how I know I am confused by social situations/not picking up on cues.
I have given up on being able to read this stuff that is completely invisible to me, just like as a person without depth perception I had to give up on "magic eye" pictures. I try to be honest with people when I've gotten to know them a bit: ask if I've said something wrong, admit that I am socially awkward, etc. Sometimes it helps. If I don't know the people well I just have to shrug and tell myself they are mainstream types who are unwilling to give me a chance and that's how it goes. Some people are more willing to overlook odd behavior than others. Don't expect to fit in. Don't think you're doing everything right. Accept the fact that you are in a foreign culture and missing cues and that it isn't going to change, but some decent people will meet you on your own level and besides, there is more to life than social stuff.