Fear of touching (and dating) men

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So I'm trying to decide whether I ultimately want to go to therapy for this. I usually call myself ace, not really because I'm sure I am, but in order to ward off any potential romantic relationships. Why? Mostly because I hate touching other people. For the most part, that's all other people, but I am way more tolerant of being touched and touching girls I know well than guys. I have a bunch of good male friends who I've been friends with for years (and frankly, most of whom are GBT) who I still can't stand touching.

It's a little weird because as a kid, I didn't really have a great relationship with people of either gender. I sort of grouped people into three groups (and yes, I did actively lay these out for myself in this fashion in high school and college, before I started considering the idea of therapy): girls (largely inscrutable to me, but most don't actively tease me), guys (easier to understand, but usually only want to talk in order to bully and tease), and friends/nerds (I used to use the latter term, but I now think the former is more appropriate. These were the few people I could relate to and who were willing to put up with me).

I think I developed this sort of broader attitude because I was bullied really badly in first grade. I moved from a public school to a private school that year, and I made friends with two girls, whom I discovered three (soon to become four) boys used to make a hobby out of chasing all over the playground during recess. What did they do when they caught one (usually me because I was slowest)? They dragged the girl behind the bushes and held her captive for the rest of recess until one of three things happened: either the captive (once again, usually me) managed to escape on her own (hardly ever happened when it was me, by the way; usually there were at least two boys still there holding and watching while the others presumably tried to capture the others), the other two girls came to save her (more common), or recess ended (most common). I hated that, but it never got broken up by the teachers, and I don't think any of us realized it was something we could go to the teachers about. After first grade, I was moved back to the public school, but I pretty much stopped associating completely with boys after that until middle school.

I wonder if I'm actually straight or bi and just terrified of dating and touching guys. I actually tried dating guys twice. The first one, my mom and sister turned into a big deal over the phone, and I broke up with him after the first date when he kept trying to hold my hand and put his arm around me (I'd been intending for the date to be similar to a friendly get-together). The second time I was asked out, I got cold feet before the first date and broke up with him on Facebook.

In any case, I was just seeking advice on the matter. Let me know if this is better in the Women's Issues forum or somewhere else. I just wanted to see if I could include some guys' opinions too, since I usually tend to think more diversity of opinions means better decision.

don't force yourself to date guys, if you don't feel comfortable around them. Try to get some male friends first,
before you start dating.

I do have male friends now. Quite a few of them. As I mentioned in the post, though, most are gay.

Oh, sorry I didn't see that. well, that good. Well, whenever you think your ready for a boyfriend, just go for it and hope for the best.

That's the thing, though. I still can't even stand touching my gay male friends who are guaranteed to have zero romantic interest in me and all the good will toward me that I could ever expect. If most guys expect to put their hands on me (especially on the first date), then it's just going to be one first-date breakup after another. Even if a guy is willing to wait a few dates, eventually, he'll probably get frustrated, right?

Perhaps for now you can make clear to whoever you go on a date with that you are uncomfortable with touching, and try to slowly work your way up to that. Like after you get to know them, then maybe start out with holding hands or something on your own terms, and work up from there to a hug after a while. I personally don't like touching either unless it's with people I know relatively well and trust, it can take a while for me to get to that stage. But I do think that therapy would be helpful, as it is an irrational fear that may end up hindering you.

And yeah, most men will probably desire some sort of physical contact when dating, but if you make your preferences clear and they are still interested in you, it may not bother them.

Stargazer said pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Most guys will probably want to touch, and even if they don't, they probably think they are supposed to try, so you have to tell them what your expectations are.

If I was in your situation, I would get a nice guy friend I trusted (if I could find one), and ask him to let you touch him (is that okay with you?). I got over a lot of sensory issues by just making myself do the thing that bothered me over and over again until I got over it. That has helped with everything from bright lights to noises to the seams inside jeans. I was thinking maybe if you were the one who initiated the touching then it would not be so bad.

Also, that game the boys played at recess sounds very strange. Did they molest you, or did they just enjoy capturing you? And is that why you think you might not like touching?

Thanks for the advice.

They never molested me at all, unless you count holding your arms behind your back and covering your mouth (I don't - I consider those to be generic prisoner-holding actions). I definitely don't think they had any desire to do anything like that. One of my clearest memories from it was when they had me behind the bushes and I was trying to call out to my friends for help; one of the boys tried covering my mouth with his hand, and in response, I protested by blowing on it. He took his hand off and put a leaf over my mouth instead (probably thought I had cooties or something - a very non-molester-ish worry). However, I do think that probably played a role in my particular dislike of it from guys.

Not my overall dislike, however (I can handle women I know well touching me, but I don't like strange ones touching me). My mom sometimes when asked about how sensitive I am repeats a story she heard from one of my preschool teachers that someone (probably another little girl) at one point tried to hold my hand, and I rejected it pretty emphatically by waving my hand around. So I probably was touch-sensitive to begin with, and the repeated chasings in first grade by the boys were just that much worse due to it.

I didn't like touching when I was younger either. My grandmother told me once that the only time I ever wanted to be held was immediately after I was born, and that I wouldn't let her touch me once after that. When I was a child I thought hugging was a sign that you trusted the other person not to snap your neck when they had the opportunity, and I only did it because it was expected of me. When I had my first physically intimate relationship I didn't think I liked snuggling and I only did it because my partner liked it a lot, but after a couple weeks something happened and I thought it was one of the most pleasurable things I had ever done. I told the girlfriend I had after that once that I liked touching her so much I wished I could peel my skin off so that I could wrap it around her so that I could touch more (but only so long as I got to put the skin back on like it was before). Maybe you will like touching once you get used to it. Or maybe not, you're not me. I've only ever really enjoyed touching romantic partners, but I also enjoyed it when I didn't think I was going to get to have sex.

Trust your instincts and put your comfort before everything. Events in your personal life are not necessarily the only reasons for your feelings. Take a look at the state of the world; a person would be crazy not to be wary of being touched by males.

Have you ever really liked/crushed on any of your male friends? If not maybe you wouldn't be bothered by touching if you gotten to know the person well & really liked them before going out.
I never liked being touched as a kid either. I was bullied alot as a kid till I went to a school for dyslexia in middle of 6th grade. I was bullied by aew girls in addition to the boys because of physical disabilities as well as my Aspie issues. I had issues with being touched before the bullying thou;e my mom says I didn't like being hugged & was anti-affectionate as a toddler & I still am that way with everyone except my girlfriend; I love affection with her. I developed a high desire for physical affection when I got in my 1st relationship at 20. We became friends on a forum because we had some weird things in common & related & I never considered the idea of a relationship with her till after she said she liked me. We weren't together offline much at all & I may of started desiring physical affection with her because I wasn't with her offline. I still had the high desire for physical affection after our relationship ended & it was one of the reasons why I wanted/needed another girlfriend. My partner is the only person I can be & want to be affectionate with. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice.

Nick, I think I may have crushed on one or two a little bit in the past. But starting up a relationship with one of them was never in the cards. As I mentioned before, most of my male friends are gay. The ones who aren't generally tend to already have girlfriends. I rarely make friends with a guy who is both straight and available. As soon as I find out he's both, a lot of times, I start distancing myself from him a little bit. One or two have broken up with girlfriends while they were friends with me, and I usually remain friends with them, since they have somewhat built up trust with me.

Ultimately, I wouldn't be surprised if the answer winds up being slightly similar to your situation, Shameless. I just need the right way to work through it.