Telling vs. not telling a NT woman your diagnosis

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clonazep
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25 Mar 2013, 11:08 pm

The way I see it, if you are high functioning , the best thing is to not tell her until after she gets to know you. In my experience, even the nicest girl starts to make all the wrong assumptions as soon as you declare yourself.



billiscool
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25 Mar 2013, 11:15 pm

do most people even know what asperger/autism is any ways?



Stargazer43
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25 Mar 2013, 11:32 pm

clonazep wrote:
The way I see it, if you are high functioning , the best thing is to not tell her until after she gets to know you. In my experience, even the nicest girl starts to make all the wrong assumptions as soon as you declare yourself.


I agree. Like bill said, most people aren't going to have any idea what aspergers is, and their only exposure to autism is likely from Rain Man and news clips of kids screaming and biting people. Imagine if you met someone for the first time, you two were hitting it off, and they say "I've been suffering for the past few years from chronic depression". It may not completely sway your interest, but it would certainly make you question things. It's a similar situation: anyone you tell that doesn't already have significant personal knowledge is just going to lump it in with a slew of other mental issues and have a flashing red light go off in their head. That's why I think it's best to let them get to know you as a person first, so that they get to know the real you rather than judge you based on a preconceived label.

That said, if you are more on the low-functioning end of things or if you certain issues give you significant difficulties socially (that you can't overcome by other means), it may be worth noting. But if you do, you have to phrase what you say with the utmost care and calculation (think politician speech lol).



IlovemyAspie
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26 Mar 2013, 12:23 am

Stargazer43 wrote:
clonazep wrote:
The way I see it, if you are high functioning , the best thing is to not tell her until after she gets to know you. In my experience, even the nicest girl starts to make all the wrong assumptions as soon as you declare yourself.


I agree. Like bill said, most people aren't going to have any idea what aspergers is, and their only exposure to autism is likely from Rain Man and news clips of kids screaming and biting people. Imagine if you met someone for the first time, you two were hitting it off, and they say "I've been suffering for the past few years from chronic depression". It may not completely sway your interest, but it would certainly make you question things. It's a similar situation: anyone you tell that doesn't already have significant personal knowledge is just going to lump it in with a slew of other mental issues and have a flashing red light go off in their head. That's why I think it's best to let them get to know you as a person first, so that they get to know the real you rather than judge you based on a preconceived label.

That said, if you are more on the low-functioning end of things or if you certain issues give you significant difficulties socially (that you can't overcome by other means), it may be worth noting. But if you do, you have to phrase what you say with the utmost care and calculation (think politician speech lol).



OMG "News clips of kids screaming and biting people" That's too much! lol
But yet I know what you're talking about. I think this is a good way to approach the subject. I already knew about ASD and all types of other disorders, but that's because I watch too much t.v for my own good and a great deal of the shows are related to medical issues. I have a book on my desk at work on AS and only about 2 people knew what is was. I use it as an opportunity to educate people.



cakey
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26 Mar 2013, 12:24 am

My Bf revealed it to me after 6 months into our relationship when I began to not understand him or his avoidance of things. I began to ask him questions and he told me he had aspergers. I researched it and many women talked negative of their experience with men who have aspergers; this really scared me. Honestly, if he would have told me about his diagnosis in the beginning of our relationship, I would have researched and might have listened to the advice of those women. But, deep into the relationship, I couldn't leave since feelings developed and I accepted his condition and it's not nothing like the experience other women have. It is best to tell her when you guys are close and comfortable.



clonazep
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26 Mar 2013, 1:36 am

cakey wrote:
My Bf revealed it to me after 6 months into our relationship when I began to not understand him or his avoidance of things. I began to ask him questions and he told me he had aspergers. I researched it and many women talked negative of their experience with men who have aspergers; this really scared me. Honestly, if he would have told me about his diagnosis in the beginning of our relationship, I would have researched and might have listened to the advice of those women. But, deep into the relationship, I couldn't leave since feelings developed and I accepted his condition and it's not nothing like the experience other women have. It is best to tell her when you guys are close and comfortable.


Thanks. That's what I thought. While I agree with the previous comment that if you are low functioning on the spectrum you have little choice but to offer an explanation, if you are high functioning you should avoid bringing it up immediately. What you want is for the woman you're dating to be impressed with how well you are able to function, so that upon learning of your diagnosis her feelings are not those of pity, but admiration.



IlovemyAspie
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26 Mar 2013, 1:49 am

Quote:
so that upon learning of your diagnosis her feelings are not those of pity, but admiration.


I never thought of pittying him..but you make a good point. When I first found, out my heart sunk. I wanted to cry. But not because I was freaked out or anything. I was just sad that there was a strong possibility he would never be able to love me the way I loved him (because of the way he said it affects him) and that's what I wanted more than anything.



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26 Mar 2013, 4:18 am

So I wouldnt tell it when meeting someone and so on.

So Asperger is part of my personality, and when someone meets me, he meets my personality anyway, so I cant hide my Asperger, I only can hide the official diagnosis.

However, if the relationship becomes deeper, you should mention it from my opinion. So being myself is one part, but as example my partner and I want to have children, and I felt myself forced to be honest to him, that there will be a chance that I could inherit my issues to our children.



Tsproggy
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26 Mar 2013, 4:33 am

Yea, I've had mixed experiences with this.. Either the person I tell will assume I'm broken or they'll say that question I really hate hearing.. "Oh, my {so and so} has Aspergers.. You must be really smart huh!". I will never consider myself smart, I will always be a student and I don't have enough time in the world to be "smart".



clonazep
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26 Mar 2013, 8:05 am

Tsproggy wrote:
Yea, I've had mixed experiences with this.. Either the person I tell will assume I'm broken or they'll say that question I really hate hearing.. "Oh, my {so and so} has Aspergers.. You must be really smart huh!". I will never consider myself smart, I will always be a student and I don't have enough time in the world to be "smart".


I know right. I don't know what's worse: being assumed you're retarded, or being assumed you're a savant.



clonazep
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26 Mar 2013, 3:08 pm

Schneekugel wrote:
So I wouldnt tell it when meeting someone and so on.

So Asperger is part of my personality, and when someone meets me, he meets my personality anyway, so I cant hide my Asperger, I only can hide the official diagnosis.

However, if the relationship becomes deeper, you should mention it from my opinion. So being myself is one part, but as example my partner and I want to have children, and I felt myself forced to be honest to him, that there will be a chance that I could inherit my issues to our children.


I agree. Understand I'm not arguing to hide the truth or pretend you're something that you're not. I'm saying you can't allow it to sabotage you from even having a fair chance.

On a side note, I may be clueless here, and don't jump on me if I am: but in the aspie groups I've attended (admittedly very few in my area), I find that female aspires are much more polarized between high and low functioning. Meaning that they are either almost NT, or they are very eccentric. With male aspires I see more variance in levels of high function.



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27 Mar 2013, 9:28 am

Tell them to save the troubles of them finding out only to dump you later? *looks around for Ilovemyaspie to make sure she didnt get mad at what he just said*.


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IlovemyAspie
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27 Mar 2013, 11:57 am

AspieOtaku wrote:
Tell them to save the troubles of them finding out only to dump you later? *looks around for Ilovemyaspie to make sure she didnt get mad at what he just said*.


*surfaces unsacathed*

But this is why I think in your case this applies:

Quote:
if you certain issues give you significant difficulties socially (that you can't overcome by other means), it may be worth noting. But if you do, you have to phrase what you say with the utmost care and calculation (think politician speech lol).


Then you can weed out the undesirables!



Schneekugel
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27 Mar 2013, 12:08 pm

AspieOtaku wrote:
Tell them to save the troubles of them finding out only to dump you later? *looks around for Ilovemyaspie to make sure she didnt get mad at what he just said*.


From my oppinion there is nothing to find out. So when I talked with my partner about it, being me the way I always was, are and will be, simply became a name. Something that affects my speaking, my actings, my feelings, ... is not something someone can find out, because you dont need to find out, whats unhidden right in front of you. So the thing I was worried about, was that he would have problems with inheriting it to children, but on the other side: I do like children but I am not into DNA. So if it was a problem for him, an ova donation from another woman, also would have been no problem for me.

So if you are always hiding they way you are, and acting like an NT and ignoring your Aspie needs, ok, then there is something you hide, that can be find out. But if not, you are simply telling someone, that knows you and the way you are, that you are the way you are.