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Timber
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26 Mar 2013, 2:04 am

Do you find because of your Aspergers people take advantage of you?
I think other people see me as a target because of my honesty, lack of assertiveness, my disinclination to get into an argument, and also because I have difficulty saying 'no' to people when they ask me for favours. It's sad, and what's more, I don't trust people anymore to perform favours for them, because I suspect once I give in, they will abuse that for all it's worth, and keep turning to me whenever they want a favour.

Why I suspect I'm being exploited, rather than just having favours asked of me:
1. People don't act grateful when I agree to perform favour. There is dearth of 'thank you', 'you're so kind' 'I appreciate this so much', etc. There is nothing said in response, as if they knew all along I would say yes. It's like they think to themself beforehand, 'I don't want to do xyz, so I'll make Timber do xyz', rather than 'Maybe Timber might help with me with this, that would be so kind of him'. It seems like when I agree to do something, people usually just say 'okay' or 'alright', there's no feeling of gratitude.

2. No recompense: People don't offer me payment or reward for doing a favour. I'm not saying I look for a reward every time I do a favour, but in reality I never get a reward. I would at least expect someone to say something like 'thank you, please have this [money/item, etc] in exchange for that favour'.

This is the recurring pattern I'm noticing. It makes me feel ashamed for people, that they sink so low as to take advantage of someone who has social deficits. I'm a quiet person and I keep myself out of conflict, and people probably see that and think of course I'm going to perform favours for them, and I won't ask for anything in return. When I was little people always commented I was so nice, so quiet, so polite, etc. So people can clearly it.
I read that this is a theme with people with ASD, that they are naive and people take advantage of them. I never applied it to my own life before now, but now it totally makes sense. I never wanted to think bad of people, but now I'm forced to admit they are taking advantage.



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26 Mar 2013, 2:15 am

I'm poor; I don't have anything to exploit.


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ezbzbfcg2
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26 Mar 2013, 2:30 am

Yes, Timber. I can relate to what you're saying. Though it's not usually a big problem as I limit my contact with people to what's necessary.

And it's funny, because when the roles are reversed and someone does something polite or kind for me, I'm always quick to thank them and show them my gratitude.

People can theorize all they want about why "no one likes a doormat," or however else they want to phrase it. But ask your self, why do all those people think it's okay to treat someone like a doormat in the first place? That I don't understand.



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26 Mar 2013, 8:00 am

I had that experience. I never had a real friend since 1977. I was just seen as an opprtunity to be exploited and if I refused to be exploited then allistic people would have got abusive and have done. I was on my own in that way and also taken for granted of which the latter I still am to a degree. I now see most allistic people as suspet and or abusive. Doesn't do much for one's socioemotional development Doesn't it? Also if you try to refuse to be exploited allistics slag off your character and also hate anyone that thinks for themself. :arrow:



Timber
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26 Mar 2013, 9:08 pm

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
And it's funny, because when the roles are reversed and someone does something polite or kind for me, I'm always quick to thank them and show them my gratitude.


That's how I am as well. It's all the more frustrating that people don't show the same back.

Aspiewordsmith wrote:
Also if you try to refuse to be exploited allistics slag off your character and also hate anyone that thinks for themself. :arrow:

I think I see what you mean, and it seems like a lose-lose situation for the person with aspergers. Either you don't really trust anyone and people view you as an unlikeable person, or you trust people and end up being taken advantage of. I think there's a balance that most people strike up, knowing who to trust and who not to, the difficult thing is working that balance out.



AgentPalpatine
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27 Mar 2013, 12:36 pm

There are theories that exchanging favors only works if the two parties have something to offer each other.

You offered them something (your help).

It would probably be socially weakening to them if they returned the favor. Also, in many cases, there is no social penalty for not repaying the favor of someone outside the social circle.

You might not be of sufficient status to be "worthy" of returning favors.


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29 Mar 2013, 3:56 am

I can relate. I've definitely been taken advantage of in the past due to these same AS traits.

But now that I'm more aware of them and how to manage myself, I'm not nearly as easy a target.

Also, for those who tend to always ask for favours and never reciprocate by offering help with something - ever - just a pattern of being a taker, well, cut 'em off. Be polite, but assertive. Tell 'em you don't have the time/money etc to give. I've done this more and more, and while I'm still not a greedy person (and never wish to be) I've become a bit more self serving and am still progressing on that front. It's healthy and necessary.. because if you do as you've always done, you'll get as you've always got.


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29 Mar 2013, 8:43 am

Yes I have been taken advantage of before and usually in mostly passive aggressive ways by different people.

1. People who I thought were my friends
2. A few family members
3. An Autism Center where I used to go had me do some panel discussions
4. People at work
5. A current next door neighbor of a few occasions

Once I got older, I learned to pick up the social cues and decided not to let people walk on me whenever they felt like it by usingt mild assertive formats of communicating. This by the way can be done.



Drehmaschine
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29 Mar 2013, 9:21 am

People tried to take me along on their guilt trips but I like to travel solo.



Summer_Twilight
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29 Mar 2013, 10:29 am

I would have never thought of the last one as a major form of taking advantage of people. To me, a guilt trip is a form of pulling you down and making you one's scapegoat.

To me, taking advange is manipulating someone into doing something that needs to be done but they don't have the nerve to be upfront about why they are doing so.

It can also play a good role in two facing someone that you dislike and want to spread lies about them yet you give them just enough trust playing the role of a good friend because you know that they cannot read your social cues. So they find a golden opportunity.

Finally, what about inviting someone to see a movie that you know they will like but the plans fall through due to life getting in the way and then they get mad and accuse you of breaking your promise when you never intended. So they chose to reject you for "Standing them up."? They don't use you for money but more of a tool to get what they want because they claim they don't have time to do it themselves?



Drehmaschine
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29 Mar 2013, 11:52 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
I would have never thought of the last one as a major form of taking advantage of people. To me, a guilt trip is a form of pulling you down and making you one's scapegoat.

To me, taking advange is manipulating someone into doing something that needs to be done but they don't have the nerve to be upfront about why they are doing so.

It can also play a good role in two facing someone that you dislike and want to spread lies about them yet you give them just enough trust playing the role of a good friend because you know that they cannot read your social cues. So they find a golden opportunity.

Finally, what about inviting someone to see a movie that you know they will like but the plans fall through due to life getting in the way and then they get mad and accuse you of breaking your promise when you never intended. So they chose to reject you for "Standing them up."? They don't use you for money but more of a tool to get what they want because they claim they don't have time to do it themselves?

People can guilt trip you into doing something and that is manipulative.



Summer_Twilight
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29 Mar 2013, 12:04 pm

Ah see that is something that I would have no expected to fall on the taking advantage of level. This is probably since I never really read it as that.

However, looking back at the movie theater story, I would see now that it would have been a guilt trip.



mikassyna
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29 Mar 2013, 12:56 pm

In retrospect I used to be exploited by kids in school. They would ask me for answers to their homework and I was only too happy to help. I figured it was a sign of being nice and a friend. My mother used to get exasperated when I insisted they were really my friends and she would proclaim that they were only using me. I would get mad and yell at her to Stop it! -- because I knew who my friends were and she was just being mean again! Sigh...



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29 Mar 2013, 6:42 pm

This is a timely topic for me. Today I finally came to the realization that one of my coworkers plays me for stuff. It starts when he asks me to join him in going outside for a smoke break. Of course I am pleased that someone has sought my company, so I agree. But each of the last two times on the way back in he asks to borrow a dollar for a soda. He pays me back, but the 100% correlation between his requesting my company and his requesting to borrow a buck gives me pause to rethink my choosing to play along.



kabouter
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29 Mar 2013, 7:15 pm

Timber wrote:
Do you find because of your Aspergers people take advantage of you?


How can you know that it is because of being an aspie? You can't know what it is like not to be an aspie.

I think it is much better to run the risk of being taken advantage of, than to be always suspicious and always question someones motives.

Life isn't all "tit for tat".



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30 Mar 2013, 8:55 am

Marky9 wrote:
This is a timely topic for me. Today I finally came to the realization that one of my coworkers plays me for stuff. It starts when he asks me to join him in going outside for a smoke break. Of course I am pleased that someone has sought my company, so I agree. But each of the last two times on the way back in he asks to borrow a dollar for a soda. He pays me back, but the 100% correlation between his requesting my company and his requesting to borrow a buck gives me pause to rethink my choosing to play along.



I worked with someone who was in the process of getting married and I said that I wanted to go. So they let me go under one condition, they have trouble finding someone to sit at the guest table. So I filled the spot.

I invited them back to my things and basically got nothing in return such as they did not bother to show up like their promised. There was often this excuse that they left their phone at home and so they could never call me.

Then they also spread even more lies about the wedding by saying that they never liked me and that I showed up at the wedding unannounced. So the story behind the guest book was because they did not want me bothering their "Invited guests."



Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 30 Mar 2013, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.