question about dialogue

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hi! How do I make the dialogue sound better in the following passage from a novel:

Hi! i was wondering where I should add description. in this passage. Thanks!

English is not my mother tongue, so I'm sorry for lack of writing style or grammatical problems. But, in my opinion:

- You give too much info too quickly. You should slow down it.
- There's too much dialogue using words. It lacks some verbal dialogue.
- Sometimes the dialogue feels like a gun machine, one sentence after another. That case you should add some relax sentences.

For example, just some possible changes, from my point of view, of course.

(Italics mean striked out)


After a few more questions, she got up, and stood in front of the mirror next to her desk. She said a few words in the smooth elvish language, when Queen_________ of Glascu’s face appeared.

“Yes? What is going on?” The queen asked. She folded her arms, and dressed in her everyday regal lavender robe with puffy sleeves, and complex geometric embroidery. The head agent of the group of intelligence agents, who guarded the portal, had a direct line to her, in case of an emergency. [Now that the action is speeding up, it breaks the rhythm]

“Your Highness.” The agent bowed. “I am very sorry to disturb you, but Prince Simeon of Nadi’um is asking for political asylum.” [Not formal enough] “I’m afraid I must disturb you. Prince Simeon of Nadi’um has arrived unexpectecly. He has asked for political asylum.

[Some Queen’s thought about the Prince]

“Let me see him.” [She is a Queen and doesn’t ask] “I want to see him now”. She requested said.

[Some description here]

Prince simeon positioned himself closer to the mirror. [I doesn’t show any character’s feature] Prince Simeon was watching himself in the mirror when the Queen entered. He turn back and made a reverence. “You’re majesty! It is good to see you again, even under these circumstances.” [he’s a refugee asking for political asylum, shouldn’t be he less dominant?]

“I remember you quite well. I visited Nadi’um when I was still Princess of Glascu. You were a teenager then.”

“Yes Highness.” Simeon took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you had any word on my family? How is it that my aunt became queen?” [This came too fast. They should have some conversation that show how about their characters before reaching this point]

Simeon forwent contact with his family, when his mother tried to force his hand during his travels abroad by telling Queen Emataly of Tz'ibilchaltun that Simeon would marry her. This resulted in Simeon arriving to Tz'ibilchaltun only to find out that there was to be a betrothal party in his and Queen Emtaly’s honor that very night. Not knowing what to do, he asked his friend and travel companion, Aed, for help, and he suggested going to Urth, where the latter lived for most of his life, coming only to Mitteworld to visit. [You should have stated all this info before, so now, when he asks, the reader is involved emotionally with the question]

“Your mother became ill and I’m afraid she did not make it. The healers could not help her. I am sorry.”

Simeon blinked back tears and nodded. “And the rest of my family?”

“Queen Genofa ursurped Queen Adara from the throne because of the reforms she was trying to make. Your sister sits in a jail cell, while the rest of your family is under house arrest.” [Too much info at the same time. Better leaving those news for later].

“There’s hope.” Simeon felt some relief and joy.

“I have reason to believe that your aunt means to make war on my kingdom to take the island of Findon.” The Queen continued. “My sources tell me that she is having most of the Nadi’um’s naval fleets gather in Lamia port with the pretexts of repair and renovation.”

“Perhaps other kingdoms could help you?” Simeon asked. “Make no mistake, she won’t stop at Findon. Once my Sister is made Queen of Nadi’um again, peace will reign again in Mitteworld.” [In just a few sentences you have introduced them, given news about their whole family and debated war strategies… is not too much?]



Well, I think that's enough critics!!

Thx for the advice! Descriptions are not my strength.

Just think that this is not a movie neither a action story. It's about people, relations and feelings. Pace it down. If I would be you, I would to try to rewrite the whole scene accepting as condition not using more that two or three twists. For example: he has appeared and is asking for political asylum and the news about her mother. And nothing more.