ASD and a long distance relationship

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Hey guys, first time posting here - though I've been looking at these forums for a while.

My diagnosis: PDD-nos and ADHD. Have had bouts of anxiousness since I was very young. 24 and European.

Last summer I fell in love with an American girl while she was touring Europe. We met two more times during summer constraints permitting, and I went to visit her last winter. We're both in uni, and apart from winter and summer breaks none of our free time periods seem to line up. Basically, we can only see each other two times a year. She has low self-image issues and behaviourisms that hint at Borderline. She's never been diagnosed and I prefer not to delve into it. I am not a psychologist for a very good reason! However, I love this girl very much in part because I recognize some of her in me. I've never really felt much emotional attachment to anyone, which makes me superlatively afraid to lose her as my girlfriend. I want to be there for her when she's feeling bad, and I can cope well with the abuse she throws at me when she does. My hyperactivity subsides when I'm with her. I miss her and after over eight months I still think of her pretty much all day.

So now we're in a extremely long distance relationship. I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with not being there. We had a bit of an argument because over the past few weeks she was logging on less and less for me. She was stable though, and seemed to just have less of a need for me. Tonight she confessed she'd been cuddling with one of her friends who I know fancies her and regularly massages her because it calms her down, though she stressed - it's been going on for a while and was not sexual at all. And I believe her. I don't like hearing about her doing things with other guys because I feel inadequate. Beaten. Number two. Possibly not even in the top three any more. It happens too with things I like to imagine that I could be doing with her. I know that I often seem very jealous or overbearing to her, and that I should not worry so much. But I begged her to stop. We talked and things seem better now. Time will tell.

So my first focus: How do I cope with a long distance relation as an autist? Secondly: How can I keep her interested in me? I feel like I just cannot compete with someone who can be physically there for her. Thirdly, somewhat discomforting: Am I overly jealous?

Hi there,

I think I am about to dash your feelings a bit... but I think it is necessary.

First - nobody has the right to treat you abusively.. even if they are in a situation causing them stress. You may take it well now, but over time it can change you and you may not even realize you are changing (Been there, done that)

Second - if you are in a relationship she has no right to cuddle with "friends" of the opposite sex, unless previously discussed with you and you are 100% ok with it. Commitment is commitment. If she is committed she would not be seeking the cuddles of someone else.

Lastly - jealousy is not a good feeling to have. It is not healthy to have in a relationship. If you trust in your partner 100% then there should be no jealousy... but she doesn't sound trustworthy to me... I would seek a way to heal that in yourself and so the next relationship you have can be happy and stable. People on the spectrum can "obsess" on new love interests... even for years. So your thinking of her all the time after so much time does not come as a surprise to me.

I would consider moving on. I think she will hurt you.

I am afraid Im going to have to back Valkyrie up on this one.

To me, the important question is ; how did you leave things when you parted? Are you definitely in a committed relationship, or is it more of a 'hey it's nice to see you when you can make it here, but that's it' situation?

I don't know if you've had this conversation with her, but if not you need to do it NOW.

I don't think this is any different than for an NT. It's hard. They are not there when you want them, either for a conversation or a hug. I have no good advice for this one.


You can't! If she is interested in you she will be hanging out for your calls, excited when she does hear from you, and trying to move heaven and earth to get through time differences etc to actually be in contact with you. And no other guy is going to compete, even if he is camping on her doorstep. But if she is not interested in you, then I'm afraid you can't force it. All relationships take work (and long distance ones take planning and faith) but it has to be on both sides.


No, I don't think so. If you were jealous that she has male friends I would have an issue with that- you don't own her. But the fact that she is having intimate physical contact with another man - well, I think it's reasonable to be unhappy about that. She might see it as innocent, but does he know that, or is he expecting / hoping for something more? Even if they are just good friends and it is completely innocent on both sides, the fact that it makes you uncomfortable means that she shouldn't be doing it.

I suggest you call her to try to resolve this as soon as you can. If she's not 100% committed, then you need to move on and find someone who is. I really hope things work out for you. Good luck

I don't necessarily think you need to end things entirely but you two need to reevaluate your relationship. Have you guys tried a non-exclusive arrangement?

If you start to see other people your reliance on each other might diminish but you might ultimately reconnect eventually. I think for you, it's key to distract yourself from her for a while as it seems like you are far more reliant on her emotionally than she is of you. You need to find other pillars of support that are closer to you. Whether that includes new friends or not so platonic lovers is up to you. But neither of you are able to have your needs met under your current arrangement and it will only lead to it fizzling out.

We talked about it more last night than we've been talking for the past week. I'm not looking to end our relationship, though I was very close to that point about 60 hours ago. I'm weary of what this is doing to me.

We've talked about an open relationship before, but I don't feel I'm mature enough for it and to be honest I'd feel horrible going after other girls while I'm in love with her. Feelings I'd have for her would dissipate knowing she'd be with other guys. I have friends who have had extremely bad experiences with polyamorous relations up to the point where they were sharing their bed with their lover's other lover feeling like the third wheel, and I never, ever, want to put myself in a situation like that.

When we parted we were very much in love. We spent three weeks being together, and enjoyed every moment of it until parting before airport customs.

Last night she confessed she had been cheating on me. My opinion, feelings, well-being, our dreams, the love, the 10 months we've been together do not seem to matter to her any more. She wants to be free, but seems conflicted as always. Even when I asked her if she had, she said she didn't know. But then she acknowledged they had sex together. Again she wants to be free, but still wants to spend the Summer with me, in Europe.

Apparently it had been going on for about a month and a half, which means it started around the time I posted this. I feel like anyone would feel - NT or AS. I knew this was coming, so most of the crying I have already done by now. I feel terrible. I'm staying away from her until I sort myself out. She still wants to be friends.

Maybe I'll find a way to deal with her needs and find luck in my own love life here, and we'll be friends. Ironically, I considered myself poly before I met her. She wasn't talking about anything. She lied and hid everything from me.

I am in incredible pain.

MakeItRight I am so sorry to hear that. It makes me angry that she says she wants to hang out with you, and be your friend. I don't think she deserves that, the way she has cheated on you and lied to you. Of course it is up to you, but I don't think you should 'be friends' with her, it would make it very hard on you.

I don't really have any other advice for you, except that there are decent people out there, and you should find someone who loves and respects you, not hang out for someone who cheats and lies to you.

A big hug for you, I hope you feel better soon.
Moomingirl

Thank you.

It's painful because I love her and part of me believes I'll never find someone as geeky, brilliant, enthusiastic, cute, and beautiful as her again. I had never met anyone like her before.

These things are always painful, but you get through them.

It's almost like grieving, the girl you thought you knew has gone. You just need to keep moving on, and if you have supportive people around, then turn to them. If not, just put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Eventually the sun does come out again, and you will find someone else. There are many people out there who are special, you just need to look for them.

One day you will look back and wonder how you ever gave a second thought to someone who could treat you like this. Many of us have been through this, so we do know how you feel, and I promise you that the hurt does fade.

Very best wishes to you.