Newly diagnosed; how long to adjust to "new reality&quo

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Hello all-

I am new here but read through some posts and thought I would reach out and seek some encouragement.

I am newly diagnosed (in my 40's) and both of my children have been diagnosed as well. I am still in the "shock/denial" stage of things. I am fielding several issues at once:

1) The "oh my god! this is the Rosetta Stone to my past!" response... which is making me relive, remember and re-frame much of my past that I would absolutely rather forget e.g.; years of bullying, betrayal and abuse that I've devoted my life to healing. This has lead to inexplicable crying jags alternating with desires get tattoo'd to desires to run away from home. I really want this to assimilate and then PASS. Now.

2) The "oh my god! this is the Rosetta Stone to my kids' past!" response which is making me feel very overwhelmed, under-powered and failed as a parent. One the one hand, I knew my daughters had taken after their HSP/'quirky'/'eccentric'/'odd'/OCD/ADD/little alien mother so I was able to parent them with plenty of understanding and coaching on how to act more NT. But on the other hand, I had low patience with the aspects of their behavior that dented my ego. I am now suffering from "stupid jerkmom" syndrome and am a little lost as to how to proceed.

3) The "um, okay, now what?" response. As in I feel the enormous weight of "faking" could truly be lifted but I still have key people in my life who are dependent on my continuing to act like I used to, emphasis on "act". I cannot fully articulate how profound the sense of permission to be myself is. And I have NO idea what I want to do with my life next. I am currently on sabbatical from my former job and I am finally owning up to the fact that although I'm very good at it, I don't want to do it anymore. I am also owning up to the fact that I really don't want to do most of my life-up-to-now anymore either. Oh. Boy.

4) The "Yet again the people closest to me are the least validating" realization. ....I sure can pick 'em. I need to go through a major casting shift on the players in my life and fire the energy vampires I have attracted and accepted.

5) The "telling people who really don't need to know I have Asperger's" stage (please tell me I'm not alone in having done this). I have suddenly developed 'diagnostic Tourettes" and am blurting to the most inappropriate people about my diagnosis. Yes, even the barista at Hava Java and my dry cleaner now know I have Aspergers.... ... wth? I've gone from being The Human Confession Booth (my daughters' nickname for me) to treating everyone else like that. ssssigh.

That's all I can think of for now. Any encouragement and/or direction would be greatly appreciated.

-DTT

This. ^^^ I did that. The good news was, the end result was that I was satisfied and it felt healthy. At a certain point, I felt the urge to stop telling people, and I had a buffer of understanding people around me in my life. This also just happened to me recently, but I've completed that phase I think. Extra complicated for you because your kids are critiquing it. But just tell them, it helps to talk about it and it will pass.

Actually, you did an excellent job of summarizing every response I had to it. I don't think I'm terribly original that way.

First of all, let me say you are having a fairly normal response to the news. In my case I worked it out for myself about a year and a half ago instead of being diagnosed but it still came as a hell of a shock.

It will pass but these things take a little while. You have had quite a shock and it will take you a while to recover. The important thing is that you now have an explanation. Bad things have happened but they are in your past and you can't change them. Try to let them go.


Why have you failed as a parent? If you did not know what was wrong, how can it be your fault? Kids don't come with instruction manuals and everyone makes mistakes. If you tried your best, that is all anyone can ask of you. By the sounds of it you are doing a lot better job of it than my father did for me.


Umm, I'm afraid you will probably always have to fake it to a certain extent when interacting with NTs. With people who know you well, you can tone it down and act more yourself but just giving up trying will probably cause more problems than it solves. As you are now more aware of autistic behaviour you may find it easier to work out how much you need to fake it and when you can be more yourself.

Give yourself some time to assimilate things before making any drastic decisions in your life. Finding out about AS has given you a lot to deal with but remember you are the same person you were before the diagnosis. A diagnosis does not change who you are, it just helps explain why you have had some of your difficulties.

Thank you both VERY much. Esp... thank you Razor Eddie, there is so much wisdom in what you said and I certainly hear it.

I'm 21 years old, recently diagnosed as well. I still don't know what to make of it. It explains a lot, but it also sounds like life's only going to get harder. The worst thing is my parents are in complete denial about it having any sort of effect. They compare it to just like having ADD or something...this seems like quite a bigger deal to me.