To what extent do you just deal?

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So, my boyfriend of nearly a year now has been diagnosed with Asperger's. He's been officially diagnosed in two separate instances, and it's fairly prevalent in his mannerisms and personality. I, on the other hand, am neurotypical, or what I understand of it. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety and social anxiety, and have have overcome long bouts of depression and insecurities in the past. In fact, it's been close to a year since I've had any real issue with it. I have my bad days, sure, but don't we all?

I like to think myself a fairly intelligent and understanding person, though I can be rather emotional and tend to be paranoid of what others think of me. It's kind of refreshing and well fitted, really, to be with this guy. He says what he means and nothing more, I don't have to worry that he implies anything more than he says or is holding anything back anything negative about me. Because of that, I trust him more than anyone else I know.

However, our relationship has not been without it's problems.

My question is, to what extent do you simply accept it as being just how he is, and to what extent do you try and strive for improvement?

There's many things I've come to accept and appreciate about him, from his lack of sentiment to his dislike of social gatherings, these are just things I've realized are just what he doesn't like, and I can live without. But, there are still a few things that bother me. After a recent falling out after with him, he's promised to try and make changes to these things, despite being stubborn about it prior. I, on one hand, often feel alone and hurt when I confront an issue, and it's passed off, which has been our primary issue. As someone who's struggled with passing herself off, this has been particularly jarring. On the other hand, I worry if I am unjustified in trying to ask him for change. I understand that change can be difficult for him, and I worry that he'll resent me for asking him to change into something he is not.

These started as little things that I would ask him to do. I was once miffed by his complete lack of gratitude (that he expressed, anyway) towards something that he had begged me to do and help him with. I expressed my confusion, and he said he simply assumed I was grateful. I asked him why he did that, and he explained that it seems obvious to him. I told him that I would like if he were more vocal about thanking me, it'd reassure me that he was thankful for things. He reasserted that he wanted me, and others to assume that he was. This went hand in hand with me asking him to just mention if anything I did particularly stood out to him that he enjoyed, and I tried to lead by example. In general, I asked him to communicate more, and to be more vocal about things, the good and the bad, even little things.

Most of the time, however, my small suggestions were largely written off as being founded in emotion. He did not see the need to express being thankful or express anything else as it seemed to be an obvious, logical, foregone conclusion to him, and he asked me to assume or figure it out, whereas I asked him to express it, because it made me feel better and ensured we were on the same page. Occasionally he sympathized with me, but he often dismissed any arguments I make, frequently leading to very confusing, meta as hell discussions about the value of emotions, logic, subjectivity of such, etc.

It hurt, and it seemed as though every little thing that I tried to suggest to him, accompanied by asking him why he thought that way and expressing myself to him, was written off. I tried my hardest to be understanding, to just accept some of these things as just being who he was, and perhaps maybe I was being too emotional, but it got to the point where I'd often be just crying and upset about something, but not want to talk to him for fear of feeling as though I was going to be patronized and dismissed once more. I felt like every time I talked to him, I better be armed and ready to stand my ground in a logical argument. He has a huge tendency to figure things out and decide how things should be and how he should act, and throws up this wall I can't get past.

It left me feeling very alone and afraid, as though I'd have to be as stoic and cynical as he can be in his approaches in order to even stand my ground against him.

I totally understand that hurt is a part of relationships. Confusion, hurt, anger, and trial and error is often a part of growing in a relationship, from what I can gather.

However, it didn't feel like that. It felt like I was constantly hitting a wall, hitting every possible dead end, and being just told to deal with it.
Pain is okay, as long as growing comes out of it. But, it didn't feel like growth. It just felt like more and more things I was being forced to cope with. I felt like I was just giving, giving, giving, trying my hardest to just deal with these realities, but constantly having to just "deal" and trying to just 'be happy' was getting to me.

It seemed that in his eyes, that's how he was, that's how it is, and it wasn't going to change, as far as he was concerned.

I finally broke down after a build of a month or so of feeling like this. I told him that I was hurt, that his complete refusal to change or even try to entertain my suggestions in the slightest, how all of them were totally thrown out of the window, it pained me. How alone I felt that like I couldn't ask these things of him without being torn apart for lacking a seemingly "logical" basis. He was pretty obstinate at first about changing, and as far as he was concerned, I needed to just try and 'be happy' with things.

After a very emotional, turbulent week and a lot of crying and talking on both of our ends, he agreed to try and change for me.

Now, I didn't expect him to change overnight. I don't expect him to change everything. I don't expect him to become a different person. I don't have a laundry list of things that I expect him to change. I understand that he may try, but he may not succeed in trying to change these things. But I do want him to try.

He is a wonderful, unique person, who is so genuine and otherworldly and observant. I feel like someone stargazing when I talk to him, watching this complex, scientific system at work that I don't quite understand, but I can appreciate the beauty of it.

I don't want him to change who he is. I love him for who he is.

What I've asked of him, rather, and what he's agreed on, is to listen to me more, and be more receptive to change of his behaviors, just the littlest of things that would make me feel a lot better, especially considering my emotionally turbulent past. Just a little reassurance from him, especially from him, would go miles for me, and that's just something I'd like to hear.

Basically, I've asked him is to be open to change as it comes, and as he hears feedback from me. In turn, I will try to exercise patience and understanding, and be there for him even if he feels that he cannot change something.

However, my major concern now, is right there in the title.

To what extent can I ask him to try and change his behaviors make me feel more comfortable?

Duly note that I'm hesitant to call them "improvements" as that seems too presumptuous, as most of these changes would benefit me, though I also think it'd help him interact with others a bit more easily.

To what extent can I ask him to change for me? How much compromise is there to be had?
And to what extent is it just a part of who he is and how he sees and interacts with the world?
On the other hand, to what extent should I accept things?
Perhaps, is it a matter of me just not being understanding enough? Am I not giving enough?

Hopefully I am not coming off as passive aggressive in any way. I don't mean to martyr or victimize myself at all -- I am just sincerely confused and unsure of what to do and what to expect. I honestly just don't know. Sometimes I feel like things would just be easier if I was just more patient, if I was just more understanding.
And other times, I think I'm justified in asking him these things.

Even now, as seemingly receptive as he's been trying to be, I worry that I am being forceful.

I came here, largely because he is just such a different person. I've asked my friends for their advice, and most of them aren't too happy with him. I fear that they are too biased, too close to me to offer objective advice, nor do I think they factor in the fact that my boyfriend does have Asperger's syndrome.

I'd just appreciate any advice anyone could give me.

I do apologize for the length of this post. I tried to trim it down as much as I could, but, alas, there was little I could do without feeling as though I was omitting relevant information.

So, I'll try and provide this,

TL;DR:
After a lot of me feeling as though I was constanting giving in and having to just having to deal in our relationship, feeling as though I was constantly hitting a brick wall and never seeing any results, I finally seem to be opening up my Aspie boyfriend to the notion of changing and growing some of his behaviors, confronting issues as they come. However, I worry that I'm asking too much when I ask him to change some of his behaviors. I worry that I am pushing him to behave as someone he is not.

I don't know how much I can ask of him to try and change, nor do I know how much I should continue to just deal with as being a part of who he is and how he acts.

The kind of language you use in the paragraph below the TL:DR is the kind of vague emotional stuff that is very difficult for an Aspie to process! Your boyfriend may have some impaired "Theory of Mind", making him assume wrongly that you know how he feels; and he may have some measure of alexithymia, where it is difficult for him to be aware of his own emotions and put a name to them. You have found an area where his disability effects his social behavior, and you are asking him to become an athlete in this area.

If he sincerely wants to make an effort, even though it is difficult for him, then you need to give him some specific guidelines for what you need because he's not going to be able to figure it out on his own. (For instance, you may have asked him to give you compliments "occasionally", and when accused of not doing so thinks "On three separate occasions I said 'You look pretty', 'That was a great dinner you cooked', etc. and it didn't have any measurable effect".) Ask instead for him to give you one positive comment per day, to verbally express thanks when you make an extra effort for him despite his gratitude being "assumed", etc. And also to refrain from attempts to argue you out of your emotions (since it is demonstrably not working as a strategy for him, despite the "logic" of his positions.)

There is a book on this subject, _The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband_ by David Finch that you could both benefit from reading, I think.

I can not tell you how accurate that sounds. Often times, he seems completely baffled that I didn't know what he was thinking or feeling. This comes up in discussions with him a lot, in little ways, with me getting completely lost in what he is even talking about because he'll refer to things and make vague references, but expects me to be on the same page. I ask him to be more specific in his communication, but he seems to worry that he'll be insulting me by stating what is apparently obvious to him, even though I've reassured him many times that I'd rather him state the obvious than assume that I knew exactly what he was talking about, and no, it isn't insulting to do so.

At the same time, he often doesn't know how to describe things or even know what he is feeling. The fact that he feels as though he must rationalize and explain his emotions does not help, as he may not even understand the emotion himself.

The bit about him not noticing a measurable effect also corresponds with a discussion I had with him just yesterday. He has figured out at this point that he cannot understand people's emotions or how they drive something, nor the social implications that he is supposed to pick up. Instead, he thinks himself to be observational, only able to see patterns in their behaviors and reaffirm it with evidence.

He's mostly discussing this because he's been attempting to make friends at his new school, and is very nervous about saying things to people as he is completely in the dark as to what to day or do. It makes sense that very specific things may need to be laid out for him.

I was actually looking at books all last night, so I shall put that on my reading list.

Thanks for your input.