NT wife in despair...

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Hi everyone
I'm new here, never done anything like this before but then I've never been in this situation before.

I married my husband 3 years ago. I knew he was different (he knew he was different), but he had devised convincing coping strategies over the years. To cut a long story short, we had a traumatic year or so (bereavement, relocation etc) and he hit the point where he could no longer cope. I didn't understand what he was going through (being in a bit of a state myself) and it's only in the past 5-6 weeks that the aspergers issue has hit home. I've been reading everything i can get my hands on and both he and his 18 year old son tick numerous boxes, although I would say he is not fully typical and is very self-aware.

So, I'm starting to understand about him and stress and I thought over the past few weeks we had established a more even keel. then last night it went belly-up over something (to me) small. Now I understand that it wasn't a trivial thing to him - I allowed myself to get stressed and reacted in a way that seems to have sent him over the edge. None of the good stuff of the past few weeks seems to weigh in the scales for him. He says I have destroyed all that. He says 'trying' isn't enough, I have to succeed. I struggled with these absolutes.

I don't know how these forums work but please understand, I love this man and don't want to bad-mouth him or have anyone else say anythig against him. I just need help in working out where to go from here.
Teebie

If it helps: You are not the first and probably wont' be the last NT partner of an AS spouse (or vice versa) who has asked for relationship advice or help or sympathy here.

Hang in there. A lot of us can relate.

It's going to sound cliche but both of you need some time doing things you enjoy. When you are under a lot of stress it's easier to snap. Maybe take some time separately to relax and distract yourselves onto less stressful thoughts. It won't hurt and can only help. When you feel calmer you can both try to talk.

Tell him you cannot control the outcome of everything ,any more than anyone else can. Tell him it is not your fault if something didn't succeed. But wait until you are both calm and have spent some time on other things. If there is no time crunch then just let it go until you feel the timing is right. Sometimes we all want to force things to a conclusion and it isn't necessary all the time.

It isn't bad mouthing to try to get some help.

If you can't stand the abuse, get out of the kitchen!

You married a nut bag -- admit it!

If that is the kind of life you wish to have, then stay married and put up with the abuse, if you do not wish to live like that, then you need to lay down a ultimatum. Either he not treat you like this or else you are leaving.

I can't see any reason other then money - why you wanted the guy in the first place.

Some people adopt sick pets, you adopted a sick person.

Eh...sounds like he overloaded and had a meltdown, to me. Doesn't make him a "nut bag."

It's always risky to give advice by internet, though. The person who asks for advice knows the situation well, but what we actually get to read is usually limited or a bit vague. (Not saying that is their fault. It's difficult to know how much to say or not to say when you talk about something really personal, and she's editing herself because she doesn't want to seem like she is "bad mouthing" him. Obviously someone told her that asking for help and putting him down is the same thing. It isn't.)

They had a horrible year and it stressed them both out. They had an argument and he had a panic attack and/or meltdown.

My advice would be to do your best to find other ways to make yourself feel better without putting any focus on him. Let him do the same.

It is a far cry from the emotion based partnership and 'sharing' NTs are raised to expect. But you can both adapt, if it's worth it to you both.

Is what people have been telling me since I was like 5 years old about literally everything I ever do. You can see why you'd beat up on yourself if you yourself have that mentality, right?

Anyway, I have no advice.

I don't know what happened between you but if you think it's small and he thinks its huge then it sounds like the two of you have different priorities/goals.

Agreed.

I'm not convinced asking relationship questions on an Asperger forum is ever a great idea. It's a Catch 22 - Aspies can give you an insight into how they might see a situation, but they probably can't give you a good solution to the overall problem. You need to take that into account. The best thing to do would be to see a professional relationship councillor with good knowledge of Aspergers.

Not trying to badmouth your guy at all but he sounds kind of dramatic. I mean, you're clearly making an effort and it's been a hard year for you both. You can't control his reactions and you're allowed to have your own off moments without him freaking out and saying one off moment "destroyed" weeks of sincere effort. If I were you, I'd give him some space to calm down and get his own stuff figured out. In the meantime, I'd focus on myself and pursue some of my own interests, engage in some relaxing hobbies, and use that time and space to see a counselor.

Good luck to you both.

I object to the idea of black and white thinking and absolutes are typical for an aspie. If he explodes over something trivial (over sensitive) and thinks in absolutes, then it could be more borderline personality disorder than AS. Go to a professional, especially since you haven't even fully established he's autistic.

I just wanted to ask, have you compared the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder with Aspergers? I only asked because you mentioned he seems very self aware and you're not sure about the diagnosis .


I had a Bf with NPD. He would say and do a lot of the things you mentioned because he was a dominating bully. He would have meltdown-like behaviour when he felt he was losing control (of me, and other aspects of life). The verbal abuse was awful.

Last edited by fifty50t on 01 May 2013, 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Perhaps you may be right, but there are many NTs in relationships with AS, and vice versa, who contribute to this board who could offer invaluable advice.

Without you getting specific details it makes it difficult, all of this is very "general".

Bereavement and Relocation are both major issues for NT's, even more so for aspies. Mostly due to the complete break in routine caused by those two things, he was probably having a hard time coping with the changes, especially in routine. If he finally got a routine down, or things in places that he needs them to be in order to function - moving even what seems like small and insignificant items can cause overload or full on meltdowns.

To give you some idea of how bad relocation is for me, it usually takes me 2 years before I fully settle into a new long term permanent home - before I am actually used to it, consider it "home" and stop expecting it to be exactly like the old one, and to stop freaking out when I panic over things sometimes on a bad day because it's not.

Control in our environment is very important for us - in a constantly changing world where we are bombarded by confusing things every time we step out the front door - it's really the only way to make us feel safe and relieve our anxiety is to have control over our environment at home - and that's just during normal life, not when it gets hard. When life gets hard it can be those small routines and control over our environment that can keep us sane (or at least mostly). Taking away one of the major coping mechanisms when he is already having a hard time is probably a really, really bad idea.

He probably is speaking in absolutes like that, because as an undiagnosed aspie, that's probably exactly what he was told as a kid. Many of us are told that because we struggle with things other kids don't, but we look NT and therefore are expected to succeed. Having that attitude ingrained is probably what has allowed him to succeed in life so far.

I would sit down with him and ask him outright what he needs in order to function well. He may not know. He may need to think about it first for a while and get back to you on it. But perhaps it will help - or at very least open up communication on the subject. He will recover from the meltdown, but it might take him a while do to so.

I'm not sure how much alone time and space he has right now, but you might want to consider increasing it discreetly for the time being (go out for a few hours, make an excuse), and see if it seems to help.

I hope the OP will come back and respond to any of our thoughts.

Not everyone here is AS. Some of us have an AS family member and/or spouse or significant other.

I tried another place before coming here, told my situation, and was met with extreme hostility, and it only made me feel worse. (Much worse.) Trust me when I say and I joined more than six years ago here, this is a welcoming place. Abuse is not tolerated here.

Anyway, back to this current topic. I think Kjas hit upon something. I wonder if that's part of what is bothering my husband, too. We have been trying to move and getting nowhere with the house search. And then, we did have deaths in the family in rapid succession several years ago.

Today he came home from grocery shopping and had a complete melt down. What was odd to me wasn't the melt down - they frightened the hell out of me at first, but now I sort of click off and distance myself - but when he first came home and came to the doorway (to say he's home) he was fine. (For all I could tell.) Two minutes later he returns to the same doorway, sobbing, screaming at me and wringing his hands, and loudly asking repeatedly "DO YOU WANT A SANDWICH?" I just said no and tried to get him to stop repeating it, gently said calm down, what's the matter, etc. But it was like he couldn't hear me, so I just told him to go away.

Sometimes that is what you have to do for your own sanity - stay away from each other for a little while. (I forced myself to get back into whatever stupid TV show I was watching. I didn't let his outburst impact me. When I came out to the living room a little later, he was fast asleep on the sofa. After he has a huge outburst like that, that's what he does: falls down, and sleeps soundly.)

I don't want to keep posting though if the OP isn't going to come back and say something, because I've been opening up here a lot, and I don't do that for no reason.

Hi everyone, thank you - apart from anything else, talking to others to get a perspective and knowing I'm not alone does help. And the fact that there are AS on here who can give me glimpses from the inside is precious.

One quick question (being new here and to forums in general) what's OP?! If it refers to me and my post, I'm in the UK so there may be a time difference issue in my responses

I have tried giving him space (apart from anything else, he works away two weeks out of four - which also stresses him although I have tried to help make that as managable as possible) and up until monday we were doing things together again, working on the house and preparing a song to perform at a regular wednesday club I attend. That didn't happen. All day yesterday he spent pick pick picking at everythign I said and did, watching me so that if felt as though he was willing me to fail. How can I make headway when I am given no space? He says this has been going on for years. for him it has but he has never been able to explain to me why he feels as he does and it's only the past month I have started to read about and get a handle on the Aspergers thing. So I'm at the beginning of my learning and I think I've come quite a way. Reading all that has explained so much of what has happened between us in the past but I need time to integrate that new knowledge into our present and he says I have already had more time than he can afford to give.

last night he did one last pick pick and I reached a cracking point and snapped at him. This morning he is barely talking to me. I think I am losing him and I think that will be disastrous for both of us, but particularly him.

I desperately regret snapping but there seems to be no space for me in this situation. I do get on and do my own things, I have a whole life alongside my life with him, but feeling like this it gets harder and harder to keep on with it.

You're only human, right? Why do you feel you are not allowed to snap at him after he spent the whole day picking at you?

Does he have OCD? Or OCD personality type?

If you are not given space you can always take some space. That thing about both doing things that you enjoy separately wasn't about time apart or about him getting his space. It was for your sake too.

OP means original post or original poster.

By the way am I right in interpreting your last post to mean you would rather have advice from AS or only AS? Just say so if that is the case.

I'm noticing a trend in which NTs come onto this forum and ask for relationship advice but then don't really seem to want it, or argue with everything people suggest. Especially if it's advice from another NT.