Being just friends with guys from dating sites

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Kurgan
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03 May 2013, 7:44 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dating sites are for dating.


This.



Venger
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04 May 2013, 2:03 am

I assume that some people claim to be just looking for platonic friends in order to make the initial meet-up in RL seem less intimidating. It seems much less like a "commitment" of some sort if the first time the two people meet is under a platonic friends pretense even if that's ultimately not the real reason.



Last edited by Venger on 04 May 2013, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Vectorspace
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04 May 2013, 5:09 pm

Stalk wrote:
Here is an Aspie with the exact opposite problem, afraid that women will think of him in the same way you experience guys being "friends" with you.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt229865.html

So not everyone is like that.

Thanks for citing. In this case, I agree that:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dating sites are for dating.


If I interpret the OP's description right, his primary intention was dating her, then he got refused and changed his plan. That's at least a little... "awkward" and maybe desperate.

The_Hemulen wrote:
Are these kind of friendships ok?

If it's OK for you, I'd still say so.

The_Hemulen wrote:
One of my female friends suggested that I was being mean because still seeing these guys was leading them on even though I had told them we are not dating.

Is that this "friendzone" stuff again, which I never understood? I don't see how being friends with someone can be mean to them.



blue_bean
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04 May 2013, 10:46 pm

You can use dating sites to find friends, you just have to put your intentions in BIG GIANT DISCLAIMER LETTERS so the one track minded get the message.

It's just as much the guy's responsibility to make their intentions clear. If a guy makes the proposition of friendship he's in no position to get upset about being "friendzoned" further down the track. The disingenuity displayed by guys in the OP is a real deal breaker for me. If you're the kind of person who has hidden intentions in dating and friendship, you're probably the kind who's like that in general. I'd cut them off too.



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05 May 2013, 3:15 am

blue_bean wrote:
The disingenuity displayed by guys in the OP is a real deal breaker for me. If you're the kind of person who has hidden intentions in dating and friendship, you're probably the kind who's like that in general. I'd cut them off too.

I don't see how they're disingenuous. Yes, they were interested in dating her (and probably, they're still interested), but she knows that. She should be prepared to dismiss them if they keep hitting on her, but otherwise, there's nothing wrong to me about this.



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05 May 2013, 6:28 am

Vectorspace wrote:
blue_bean wrote:
The disingenuity displayed by guys in the OP is a real deal breaker for me. If you're the kind of person who has hidden intentions in dating and friendship, you're probably the kind who's like that in general. I'd cut them off too.

I don't see how they're disingenuous. Yes, they were interested in dating her (and probably, they're still interested), but she knows that. She should be prepared to dismiss them if they keep hitting on her, but otherwise, there's nothing wrong to me about this.


No, they offered friendship, but said friendship's only purpose to them was to "keep a leg in the door".

It's not a girls job to put up with come-ons from male friends. s**t like that is especially hurtful when the girl was tricked into thinking the friendship had deeper value. Like the guy doesn't even want to know her as a person unless there's a good chance she'll put out.



Moridin8
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05 May 2013, 8:43 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dating sites are for dating.


After a little thought, I have to agree on this one. There is a certain expectation and precedent being set by the fact that its a 'dating site'.

Whilst I can't speak for others, i'd be a bit put out if someone I went on a date with said they "only wanted to be friends" if I liked them as potentially something else - but that's the nature of the game.

If they then said they still wanted to go out socially with me as purely a friend, they had better be something pretty damn special for me to consider it (this hasn't happened btw) - and whether or not I could take the punch to the gut of seeing them getting lucky with other guys. wooo... that's an ultra hard thing to do and to be blunt I couldn't do it. I do have a bit of self respect. I have to at least know I stand some kind of chance...

However, if after going on a date and I was really interested in them, but they said they weren't interested at all, I certainly wouldn't ask to continue seeing them or communicating as a friend. That would be real bad for my self esteem...

So... those guys that still want to be friends after rejection - at least in my view - must either be hoping for something more in the future and/or have a real, real LOW self esteem, and/or are total masochists...


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Moridin8
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05 May 2013, 8:54 am

blue_bean wrote:
No, they offered friendship, but said friendship's only purpose to them was to "keep a leg in the door".

It's not a girls job to put up with come-ons from male friends. sh** like that is especially hurtful when the girl was tricked into thinking the friendship had deeper value. Like the guy doesn't even want to know her as a person unless there's a good chance she'll put out.


Or maybe the guy really does value a deeper friendship, but also wants it to evolve into a relationship if the chance arose - and occasionally makes the odd mistake and slips up. I must admit, that this sort of unrequited friendship is not something I can do anymore (self esteem has been crushed enough recently) although I have in the past. In my case I seriously valued the friendships and some lasted years until we drifted apart as social groups tend to when life gets in the way - don't get me wrong, if it had turned into more, it would have been awesome! But I didn't define the friendships by value of getting her to put out!?

Can't speak for others though. But please, no broad strokes. We aren't all that way.


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05 May 2013, 8:58 am

some pick up artists suggest that you should keep trying for at least 10 times. So maybe some women use it as a shield to really get to know the guy before they make their final decision. And she can change her mind at any time as she feels, and not bother to relay it at all. Either through subtle hints or just plain ol' nothin'



Moridin8
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05 May 2013, 9:02 am

Stalk wrote:
...pick up artists ...


pick up "artists"??

that entire concept makes my skin crawl...

IMHO they are douches. pure and simple.


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05 May 2013, 9:13 am

Moridin8 wrote:
Stalk wrote:
...pick up artists ...


pick up "artists"??

that entire concept makes my skin crawl...



They're also known as "players". PUA sounds like nerd-terminology for that. :nerdy:



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05 May 2013, 9:20 am

blue_bean wrote:
Vectorspace wrote:
blue_bean wrote:
The disingenuity displayed by guys in the OP is a real deal breaker for me. If you're the kind of person who has hidden intentions in dating and friendship, you're probably the kind who's like that in general. I'd cut them off too.

I don't see how they're disingenuous. Yes, they were interested in dating her (and probably, they're still interested), but she knows that. She should be prepared to dismiss them if they keep hitting on her, but otherwise, there's nothing wrong to me about this.

No, they offered friendship, but said friendship's only purpose to them was to "keep a leg in the door".

I don't see where she mentioned that they said so.

blue_bean wrote:
It's not a girls job to put up with come-ons from male friends. sh** like that is especially hurtful when the girl was tricked into thinking the friendship had deeper value. Like the guy doesn't even want to know her as a person unless there's a good chance she'll put out.

Absolutely agree. In her case, the risk is quite high, due to the fact that she met them on a dating site.

Her question was: "is it OK to be friends with them?", and my answer is: "yes, if you keep the above risk in mind".



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05 May 2013, 9:40 am

Moridin8 wrote:
Stalk wrote:
...pick up artists ...


pick up "artists"??

that entire concept makes my skin crawl...

IMHO they are douches. pure and simple.


well others would suggest, just to keep saying NEXT, instead of letting a friendship form...

It just seems there different rules for different type of people. I guess it comes down to what you do with your knowledge, since knowledge is power.

I can't say that knowing these things has helped me in anyway of getting a gf, only that it helps me to move on and not to get hung up on over analysing everything.



The_Face_of_Boo
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05 May 2013, 10:02 am

blue_bean wrote:
Vectorspace wrote:
blue_bean wrote:
The disingenuity displayed by guys in the OP is a real deal breaker for me. If you're the kind of person who has hidden intentions in dating and friendship, you're probably the kind who's like that in general. I'd cut them off too.

I don't see how they're disingenuous. Yes, they were interested in dating her (and probably, they're still interested), but she knows that. She should be prepared to dismiss them if they keep hitting on her, but otherwise, there's nothing wrong to me about this.


No, they offered friendship, but said friendship's only purpose to them was to "keep a leg in the door".

It's not a girls job to put up with come-ons from male friends. sh** like that is especially hurtful when the girl was tricked into thinking the friendship had deeper value. Like the guy doesn't even want to know her as a person unless there's a good chance she'll put out.


They offer friendships as last resort because they're still naive and believe in women's claim that "relationships bloom from friendships" - this claim is so popular that many guys think it must be true - it is not. It's the initial mutual attraction that leads to relationship, regardless of the friendship phase (which is not always necessary for that case).



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05 May 2013, 10:47 am

Moridin8 wrote:
blue_bean wrote:
No, they offered friendship, but said friendship's only purpose to them was to "keep a leg in the door".

It's not a girls job to put up with come-ons from male friends. sh** like that is especially hurtful when the girl was tricked into thinking the friendship had deeper value. Like the guy doesn't even want to know her as a person unless there's a good chance she'll put out.


Or maybe the guy really does value a deeper friendship, but also wants it to evolve into a relationship if the chance arose - and occasionally makes the odd mistake and slips up. I must admit, that this sort of unrequited friendship is not something I can do anymore (self esteem has been crushed enough recently) although I have in the past. In my case I seriously valued the friendships and some lasted years until we drifted apart as social groups tend to when life gets in the way - don't get me wrong, if it had turned into more, it would have been awesome! But I didn't define the friendships by value of getting her to put out!?

Can't speak for others though. But please, no broad strokes. We aren't all that way.


Well yea, the relationship is suppose to be the deepest form of friendship - oh well...whatever. It seems to be forbidden for the undesirable guys (undesired by girl x) to develop a desire for this deepest form of relationship.

I personally can only be friends with women who are not single or much older to avoid such dramas.

Honestly, I would never be friends with women who would tell me "Let's just be friends" after asking them out. The "Let's just be friends" is a form of rejection after all, and the fact that they rejected me for some reason means that they think of me not desirable, not attractive and not good enough for them and what's worse and a lesser male (much less than the males she drools over, even male strangers that she never been friends with).

Men , would you ever be friends with guys who think of you as lesser men or as someone beneath them? No I think not.

Women , would you ever be friends with women who think of you as less than a woman or not good enough as you are beneath them? No, I think not.

Then why we men should accept to remain friends with women who think that we are beneath their level? It's not only about the self-esteem Moridin8 talked about but the whole idea is totally deeply humiliating.




Fellow men, if you ever get the "Let's be friends" blow from a woman you wanted to date - use the following counter-blow (and no, I don't read PUA stuff, this countering thing is part of my jerky personality), this is something happened to me:

Her: "<myname>, I know that you like me but I don't like you that way, I prefer to just be friends"
Me did a blanked out face for a moment: "Oh...really?"
Her: "Yeah, I am sorry"
Me: "Khay" (phew in my language)
Her: "Khay??"
Me scratching the back of my head: "Yeah, it's amazing, I really wanted to tell you the same but I was sooo embarrassed"
Her: "But ...you mean... you were never..?" *mumbling* (She was BURNING)
Me:" Yeah, I didn't want to make you feel hurt, I am so glad it came from you, you've just removed a boulder from my chest"

She blanked out for a moment then her friend called her and quickly rushed to her, she didn't even say bye to me.

That girl avoided me ever since, disappeared from my fb, msn, and all ways of contacts.

Oh gawd, why I am so so jerk? :lol:



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 05 May 2013, 11:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

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05 May 2013, 10:57 am

And oh, I did something similar with someone (who went sexual with me later) I met on okcupid, she was like " I am just here for friends, remember??" (even though her profile says Short-terms), I was like "do you really believe that I desire you and want more than a friend?", her reaction was something like "Oh really? yeah right..."

That same woman went on dates with me later and things went sexual, but she was toooo crazy, clingy to be handled and even sexually complicated (sex but no nudity kind of thing, sometimes too liberal, other times extremely reserved...duh).