Being just friends with guys from dating sites

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Moridin8
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05 May 2013, 11:17 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Her: "<myname>, I know that you like me but I don't like you that way, I prefer to just be friends"
Me did a blanked out face for a moment: "Oh...really?"
Her: "Yeah, I am sorry"
Me: "Khay" (phew in my language)
Her: "Khay??"
Me scratching the back of my head: "Yeah, it's amazing, I really wanted to tell you the same but I was sooo embarrassed"
Her: "But ...you mean... you were never..?" *mumbling* (She was BURNING)
Me:" Yeah, I didn't want to make you feel hurt, I am so glad it came from you, you've just removed a boulder from my chest"


:twisted: nice one

I did something similar once (the last time this situ ever happened to me actually) totally on the spur of the moment and completely unplanned. I was just SOOOO pissed off! But, unlike the lady you are discussing, in my case she did maintain contact as she was in the same social group as me. But hell, the gossip went nuts for a few weeks afterwards!! It was quite entertaining in a twisted kinda way.


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Moridin8
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05 May 2013, 11:18 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Then why we men should accept to remain friends with women who think that we are beneath their level? It's not only about the self-esteem Moridin8 talked about but the whole idea is totally deeply humiliating.


Agreed.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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05 May 2013, 2:22 pm

Moridin8 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Then why we men should accept to remain friends with women who think that we are beneath their level? It's not only about the self-esteem Moridin8 talked about but the whole idea is totally deeply humiliating.


Agreed.


Unless the reason behind her rejection is some 'force majeure', like religion or already she's in love someone else, then yeah, I wouldn't mind her friendship but if she's single and looking then hell no, I wouldn't for the reasons explained above.



revolutionarygirl
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05 May 2013, 2:30 pm

I've gotten more friends from dating sites than actually dates. But hey I'm ok with that. I think relationships are better if they start from friendships. That's why dating doesn't work for some people.



Aspie1
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05 May 2013, 6:40 pm

Moridin8 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Dating sites are for dating.


After a little thought, I have to agree on this one. There is a certain expectation and precedent being set by the fact that its a 'dating site'.
...
If they then said they still wanted to go out socially with me as purely a friend, they had better be something pretty damn special for me to consider it (this hasn't happened btw) - and whether or not I could take the punch to the gut of seeing them getting lucky with other guys. sooo... that's an ultra hard thing to do and to be blunt I couldn't do it. I do have a bit of self respect. I have to at least know I stand some kind of chance.

This!

If my intention is to date, that declining the LJBF (that's "let's just be friends") offer is just being honest with myself. I have friends; that need is already met for me. What I'm looking for is dating. And dating is essentially [imitates bed creaking noise] combined with some semblance of commitment. That's what I hope to get out of dating. If someone says "LJBF", then I say "no, sorry, thank you for your time".

And the belief about being friends first is a myth! If you've been friends for a long time, there's no mystery, there's no excitement of putting your best foot forward. And if there was no chemistry at the beginning, it won't happen out of thin air; human interactions aren't a science lab. The one situation there "friends first" may work is when you were casual friends. That is, you knew knew each other for six months maximum. And you met only a few times a month strictly for a specific purpose; for example, you two are in the same dance class or sports group. Or if you were classmates or colleagues at a summer job, seeing each other regularly but not exchanging more than a short conversation each time, until one day you have a longer conversation and an interest comes out of that.



Vectorspace
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05 May 2013, 7:16 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
And the belief about being friends first is a myth! If you've been friends for a long time, there's no mystery, there's no excitement of putting your best foot forward.

Personally, I don't see how mystery is a good thing. But XKCD agrees:
Image



Moridin8
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06 May 2013, 2:14 am

Vectorspace wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
And the belief about being friends first is a myth! If you've been friends for a long time, there's no mystery, there's no excitement of putting your best foot forward.

Personally, I don't see how mystery is a good thing. But XKCD agrees:
Image


XKCD!! +1

Superb usage of appropriate edition of XKCD I wish I had remembered? +10


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nessa238
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06 May 2013, 10:13 am

As a female, if you don't make friends easily and if practicaly all the few friends you ahve are male, you are more likely to want to stay friends with a male if you get on well, as it's another friend; another person to talk to. But it can backfire as often the male will be more focused on the potential for either a relationship or just sex than the friendship aspect.

When I was going through a very bad depression spell an ex bf got in touch with me and I saw it as a way of helping me out of my depression but it was clear he saw it mainly as an opportunity for sex and he also said he was in a relationship, which he hadn't told me initially. So I was dragged unwittingly into a situation through him not being honest at the start re the facts. I told him he was risking his relationship so it wasn't right and he only visited me twice before I said I only wanted to see him if it didn't involve sex, as I feared for him losing his relationship. I needed supportive friendship but the price to be paid for this was sex basically and I really resented this. He said he wouldn't be able to not want sex so I said well I can't see you then.

Then not long after I got an email off his gf asking me what had been going on as she'd found his emails to me! I explained the situation to her and she eventually calmed down. I found this really bad as when I first met this ex bf I was seeing someone else on a sort of casual basis at the time and said I would see him and the other person as I didn't like being tied down to one person but he didn't like this idea at all and so I said ok I'll see just you but it didn't work out long term. He'd said to me it was wrong to see two people at the same time yet here was he further down the line doing just that to his gf behind her back
(I had wanted openness about who I was seeing as well) and she'd even said she was engaged to him!
The sheer hypocrisy of it all staggered me!

So in my opinion most men do not want just friendship, they want sex as well if they can get it and there seems to be a strong double standard regarding women being able to openly see more than one person at a time and men doing it. He'd said it 'wasn't right' me wanting to see him and someone else and made it sound as if it was some kind of highly deviant behaviour!
It seems to me that it is seen as deviant in a female but not a male.



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06 May 2013, 10:32 am

Nevertheless, I know a number of couples that formed after both people had known each other for quite some time. They weren't actually close friends before, but they were "aware of each other's existence" and approached gradually.



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nessa238
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06 May 2013, 10:39 am

Vectorspace wrote:
Nevertheless, I know a number of couples that formed after both people had known each other for quite some time. They weren't actually close friends before, but they were "aware of each other's existence" and approached gradually.


That's not quite the same scenario as that described by the OP ie a male she has dated first and told she doesn't want to continue seeing but she agrees to remain friends

When people start off as just friends and have known each other for a while as just friends, I agree this can be a good basis for a relationship



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06 May 2013, 10:47 am

nessa238 wrote:
Vectorspace wrote:
Nevertheless, I know a number of couples that formed after both people had known each other for quite some time. They weren't actually close friends before, but they were "aware of each other's existence" and approached gradually.


That's not quite the same scenario as that described by the OP ie a male she has dated first and told she doesn't want to continue seeing but she agrees to remain friends

When people start off as just friends and have known each other for a while as just friends, I agree this can be a good basis for a relationship

Sorry, that was more a reaction to Moridin8 and to the XKCD comic, that both doubt it's a good idea.

Personally, I don't see any alternatives for me, as getting to know someone takes me much longer than a few dates (I usually estimate half a year to one year), and "she's hot" is certainly not a sufficient condition for me.



nessa238
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06 May 2013, 10:53 am

Vectorspace wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
Vectorspace wrote:
Nevertheless, I know a number of couples that formed after both people had known each other for quite some time. They weren't actually close friends before, but they were "aware of each other's existence" and approached gradually.


That's not quite the same scenario as that described by the OP ie a male she has dated first and told she doesn't want to continue seeing but she agrees to remain friends

When people start off as just friends and have known each other for a while as just friends, I agree this can be a good basis for a relationship

Sorry, that was more a reaction to Moridin8 and to the XKCD comic, that both doubt it's a good idea.

Personally, I don't see any alternatives for me, as getting to know someone takes me much longer than a few dates (I usually estimate half a year to one year), and "she's hot" is certainly not a sufficient condition for me.


I have diffilty understandign the 'getting to know someone' concept

I seem to either really like a person straight away or have no interest in them. If I like them, sex on the first night is no different to having it after a month or so ie the likely success of the relationship doesn't hinge for me on how soon sex comes in. Sex is just like another form of communication to me, not a sign of a big major commitment.



Moridin8
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06 May 2013, 11:15 am

My responses THUS FAR on this thread are in the context of the original post where two people have met face to face AND is based on one of the two individuals involved liking the other as a sexual interest, but whose interest isn't returned from the other individual.

I have not yet commented on any other scenarios, except to venture my own personal viewpoint on the difference I feel between having sex with someone straight away with little emotional investment, compared to sex further into a relationship as it evolves.


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Moridin8
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06 May 2013, 11:17 am

Vectorspace wrote:
Nevertheless, I know a number of couples that formed after both people had known each other for quite some time. They weren't actually close friends before, but they were "aware of each other's existence" and approached gradually.


Ditto. But only in the context of a set of related social groups in real life, and certainly not in the context of the OP.


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06 May 2013, 11:25 am

Moridin8 wrote:
My responses THUS FAR on this thread are in the context of the original post where two people have met face to face AND is based on one of the two individuals involved liking the other as a sexual interest, but whose interest isn't returned from the other individual.

I have not yet commented on any other scenarios, except to venture my own personal viewpoint on the difference I feel between having sex with someone straight away with little emotional investment, compared to sex further into a relationship as it evolves.


Argh! Sorry, it wasn't you who said what I was referring to:
Aspie1 wrote:
And the belief about being friends first is a myth!