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PlainJane28
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 4 Feb 2011
Age: 26
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05 May 2013, 5:42 am

I was having a rather good day today. I've had a recurrence of depression for the past few months, so I felt lucky for the mood I was in. But I started writing in my journal to kill some time. I feel like I opened a huge ugly uncontrolled mess that was inside of me. Every logical thought I had, (how no one is right about anything, my own 'philosophy' of life disappeared, with all the ones I've heard and read about coming in my face and I couldn't decide which I should choose to stabilize me), seemed to give me a huge stress headache. I couldn't stop this until I ate and took some pain and stress pills about an hour later.

I felt like I was stuck in a mess of hidden things I have tried to push back all of my life. I felt like doing a trillion things at once just to exert the mental energy I suddenly had. It gave me pain and stress and sadness because I didn't know what to do about it. I have never felt so out of control on my life. I didn't know what to think, I felt so unstable. All of my thoughts were just zapped out of me, and I only thought of the views on life that I've heard from others. I had no sense of self, I was struggling with how to see life.

I'm sorry this makes no sense, but this is how I felt. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like I'm opening this can of worms again by remembering it and typing it in here. But I need to tell someone if this is something serious and crazy.

Did I have some sort of mental breakdown, psychotic episode, or just access my subconscious? What should I do about this?

I think I'm just struggling to have a view on life. I've read a lot of people's, and they all make sense, some uplifting, some extremely depressing, some reasonable and calm. Which makes it hard because I feel like I believe all of them, so I don't know what to think. This feels so overwhelming, and I think I'm losing some hair over it.



treblecake
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Joined: 12 May 2012
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05 May 2013, 11:00 am

This sounds exactly like what happens to me every now and then, it's just a mood like depression that can come and go. Yeah this happens to me when I lose sight in the point of life and lose my view on life, usually I feel again within a day or two. I think it's pretty normal to feel like this every now and then, although the only time I would worry about it or seek help is if you feel like this non stop for more than a few days or if you become so detached that you can't even do everyday things like eating.

The way I see it is there are billions ways you can view life and I think there is no single way that is the true, or perfect way to view life. Just as you experience more in life and your feelings fluctuate so does your life view, it isn't a stagnant thing. Also I believe that people who are "enlightened" have developed/discovered a model that can with stand changes in their environment and their emotions without changing dramatically.

Life views are quite a paradoxical thing as well, because when you believe in a certain life view you base your actions in accordance with the view, these actions then in turn validate the view and make you believe more strongly in it. Sometimes people get caught up in the misconception that life is purely about what's happening behind the scenes that life is a purely spiritual thing, but really I think that life is just as much about the physical actions that you carry out as it is about the reasons and views behind it, so the best thing to do is find a balance and not dwell on either for too long. Although this in turn is just my view.

Anyway what I normally do to normalise myself again is watch some tv, or hearing my friends talk about their life, or sometimes doing the exact same activity that I was doing when I felt stable helps me remember how I felt then and brings that feeling back.


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Your Aspie score: 157 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


catwhisperer
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06 May 2013, 9:45 am

If I'm understanding you correctly, this sounds like me when I get worn out, stressed, and overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion. I lose sight of who I am and what I want out of life and what I'm capable of and I feel like I'm drowning in all of my failures. Its like all the negative is amplified and I worry I will simple shut down and never be able to get out of bed.



Ettina
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06 May 2013, 4:34 pm

What you describe sounds a little like unlocking stuff you've repressed. It's not pleasant, but it helps in the long term.