I find it difficult socialising with my family...

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Joe90
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24 May 2013, 4:07 am

Me and my mum were having an argument last night, and she started lecturing me by comparing me to how I am with the family and how I am with outsiders, and expecting me to be the same to everyone as I am to family, or vice-versa. I couldn't find an answer because I knew she had a point but I also know the saying ''familiarity breeds contempt'' and that everyone acts differently when they're with family than what they would do if they were in a different environment with different people.

I have a man who is interested in me, and he is a bit older than me but I still want to see how it goes. But my mum started throwing these unanswerable questions at me, like, ''if you don't like socialising with your own family then how will you cope meeting his family?'' That was a very difficult question to answer. She might be right. Whenever there's a family get-together, I do become avoidant. So I said, ''well, all my cousins are NTs and I seem to dwell on that, so it's best if I stuck with my own friends and meet new people.'' Then my mum said, ''well this man you're seeing is NT and I guess his family are, so are you going to be jealous of them too?'' OOOOOHHHH!! ! It was impossible to answer, and it seemed there was no last word.

It was getting very frustrating, and it began to shatter my self-esteem (which is already fragile as it is). I never thought I would be having this conversation with my mum.


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monsterland
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24 May 2013, 4:38 am

Parents can be your best friends and your worst enemies. They're there when you need them for support, but you will pay for this support dearly, every second.

And the way you pay is, they won't allow you to change. They will lock you firmly into this set of patterns they expect from you, and you will never get out. They control you this way, "for your own good", but it does a lot of damage.

You can create new patterns and boundaries with people who are not your family, however. Your self-esteem should be built from those encounters and communities outside your home, however many you can find. Then you will start to trust your decision-making process better and mom's "useful advice" will be noted but will no longer seem overbearing.



TaoDreams
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24 May 2013, 4:58 am

Joe90 wrote:
I also know the saying ''familiarity breeds contempt'' and that everyone acts differently when they're with family than what they would do if they were in a different environment with different people.
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It was getting very frustrating, and it began to shatter my self-esteem (which is already fragile as it is). I never thought I would be having this conversation with my mum.


Joe, I want you to know that I am going through this right now too. I recently discovered an important lesson recently something I have just been able to connect. People who are close but not too close like me a lot, people who are very close to me who know the challenges I face in day to day life, leave me. Everyone has always left me! And while I may meet someone SOMEDAY who won't leave me, that doesn't change what I need right now and that I am shattered from this constant repeating pattern of rejection. Which I don't even think is unusual for me.

My conclusion for myself is, "Familiarity breeds contempt." and that the only way people can love and care about me is if they are not too close or too familiar with me and my challenges at least if they are, it is from an objective 'they don't have to experience it with me' kind of way.

Like you this has both frustrated me and shattered my self-esteem, for me and feel completely dejected and hopeless. And like you never imagined these sort of conversations and situations would come up.

This said all I can offer is a me too comment :( , Nice to know not alone here. I just wish other people could understand and help us understand their world much better. Can only say that I don't have ANY challenges with social issues when I am not being social to state the obvious :). So hard because I still desire to connect like everyone else, just fail at doing so.