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torquemada
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08 Jun 2013, 7:28 am

Ravn wrote:
My previous marriage started off okay but then my ex realised I was unable to do certain things (form-filling freaks me out totally) and I was never any good with keeping hold of my money. Anyway, she took control of those basics and then proceeded to control me: I let her do it. When we divorced, I got cleaned out.

She became very abusive (verbally and physically) in the last year of our marriage.


Woah! Deja Vu! I had a 15 year history of dating/marrying abusive psychopaths. The end of my marriage cost everything I had, and the longer it's been, the more of a bargain it becomes :wink:

I have a terrific GF now who's NT, but quite exceptional.


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AspieOtaku
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10 Jun 2013, 2:47 pm

Yeah she was more of a fiance though, she mentally abused me more than physically abuse me, she would purposly insult me, trigger my anxiety attacks and meltdowns and laugh about it, she thought it was funny when I self harmed, she laughed when I slit my wrists and I lost conciousness in a puddle of my own blood.


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DJFester
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15 Jun 2013, 5:57 am

I've just divorced my abusive ex a few months ago. It seems all I attract are abusers, criminals or drug addicts. Nearing my 50th year of life, I am starting to wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who isn't out to take advantage of me. I can relate to the above poster who said they started off very sweet and nice, but once they get into a serious relationship with you, then the nasty stuff starts. It just gets worse over time, too. Maybe I'm better off alone.


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WildTaltos
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16 Jun 2013, 9:49 am

waitykatie wrote:
Have any men here endured, and left, a long-term abusive relationship? How did you recover? Or was your ability to trust women permanently destroyed? Any advice for a female friend/ex-flame who genuinely cares about him (not to mention those poor kids, who spend most of their time with the psycho ex-wife)?

Nevre as long as eight yearss but Iv been in a number of abusiv relationnships. One of them was puerly psychologicl and it was mostly my fault becuse i was workin under false pretense; I thuoght she actualy loved me and so I took her verbal abuse whch was very often and onnly percived it as fair criticsm and she was al to happy to taek all the gifts I gaev her and rarly give anythng back, and it was like that for cuople years befor I wantd to take the relatinship a step further and confesed some things I did to her taht is ok among my cultuer, but unacpetable to lot of othrs, and she showd her true colours by caling me a monstr for it and saying I hadd no suol and she couldnt help me then - which maed me realise I had just been hr goody-two shoe projct the past cuople years of her tryin to convert me to her religon and she didnt caer for me anythng beyond taht and that was realy first blow I took that made me extremly mistrustful of people outsid my family, especialy women. The few othrs were shorterr and mostlly had to do with women usin me for sex or alot of emotional suport, leadin me on liek they cared for me whn they wer actualy just using me as a substitute whiel they made up wth a boyfrind they were angry at or waitin for what they realy wantd to come along, and as soon as they wer done with me or fuond a bettr man, they threw me asiide liek trash, many times with vry cursory and unfeling dismisal. At this point in my life, I am extremly skeptical and hateful of womenn save th few I have as platonic friends, and so I think itt is just best to stayy away frim them usualy - Im a violent personn by nature and whiel I want to thnk I wuold not wilfuly hurt a woman, I haev litle to no restrainnt anymore.


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19 Jun 2013, 1:02 pm

My Abusive relationship lasted for 3 years It might not have been long but I still get bad flash backs and I ended up having to live with my abusive stepdad for the next 5 years when before I was intending to get out of his house in the first place because I was mentally abused by my stepdad since I was 13. Im back out of there now think goodness to my sister getting me out of there and now I am back out on my own in my own place. So Total accumulated time I was mentally abused by my stepdad then my ex fiance 15 years, I am 30 now so half my entire life I had to deal with people telling me im worthless useless dictating where I go being treated as subhuman and telling me I should kill myself etc. As a result I get thoughts of suicide from time to time and have attempted 3 times slowly they are subsiding and I get horrible flash backs that trigger my anxiety attacks. If I had to choose between mental abuse and physical abuse I would choose physical abuse because at least with physical the pain goes away, the mental abuse stays in your head for a very long time.


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lowe137
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25 Jun 2013, 9:13 pm

i ended up in 2 abusive relationships.

Girl#1 was my first relationship. because i was deathly afraid to ask a girl out it took a girl to basically ask me out. lunch time this girl had her friend tell me her friend thinks im cute.. so i said "well lets go out then". i was so stoned i had no i dea what i was doing. so when i went to class i realized that i now had a girlfriend. so we dated for a month before i even got laid. the problem was she was sleeping with other guys the whole time. we partied alot and did alot of drugs. i didnt realize she was bi-polar and the drugs only made it worse. we argued alot and usually ended up hitting me. of course i never hit her back. thats how i was raised. i was 6'1" 280lbs so i never told anyone about it. i didnt know it was abuse anyway. i figured abuse could only be a man hitting a woman. we were together for a year and she slept with most of my friends. some of them confronted me and wanted to fight but i never would. one time during a fight she slammed my headd in a door and knocked me out for a min. i seen stars and everything. so girl#2 was very jellous. she had been trying to get me to date her the whole time i was with girl#1. she even talked her into having a 3some with me.. guess she finally got tired of me and we broke up. 2 days later i asked out girl #2. she said she yes but she had to put her "friends with benifits" relationship to the side. and that started my downhill battle with the toxic narcissistic woman.

so girl#2 began her task of forming me into what she wanted. she knew i was very nieve and would fall for her bullshit. from day 1 i had to conform to her. had to quit smoking weed and cigarettes. she began to turn my friends against me. she would tell them lies about me. only my real friends had my back.. which wasnt that many.. only a couple of them didnt buy buy into her bullshit. she wanted me to join the military because her dad was a marine. after talking to a recruiter i joined the navy. so once she got me away from my home town it was easy for her to turn me on my own family. she only physically abused a few times. mostly it was her emotional abuse and manipulation. it didnt take much i already had no self-esteem. when i left for deployment she would wait a month then tell me she wanted divorce then apologize before i got home and of course i took her back. she would have me so depressed i just drank alot while overseas. when i was gone she would sleep with so many guy i couldnt count. she would give my clothes and other stuff to these guys. this continued as a cycle thru the whole marriage. after the 4th marriage i became bitter. i quit being nice to her. her abuse bacame worse. my co-workers always asked me why i didnt leave her ass. to upset me she would admit who she slept with and things she did.

i have 2 kids with her and i love them with all my heart. someday they will understand who she is. when my oldest boy was born the hospital discharged her but the baby had to stay overnight. my mother was comming into town on the bus. girl#2 decided she wasnt going to stay in the hospital the first night of my sons life. she wanted to leave. i wasnt going to argue so i said i would stay there with the baby. so she left and picked up my mom at the bus stop. so i got all comfy in the bed. when the nurses came in to get the baby for a little while they came in the room and gave me a look like "damn thats one ugly ass mom." then they asked me where the mom was and i said she left. she felt clostrafobic and will be back tomorrow. those nurses thought that was the cutest thing. they brought me food and kept me company all night. they showed me everything i needed to know about the baby. just as they would the mom. they said no dad ever did anything like that and they said i was a good dad.

when son#2 was born she told me "dont be suprized if you son comes out black." when she was in labor the had to induce her but labor only lasted 2 hours. she only pushed for 20 minutes. the nurses told her to stop pushing or she could hurt the baby and the doctore wasnt even there yet. then they yelled at me to tell her to stop pushing.. so i told her to "stop or you could hurt the baby." she just screamed at me "F*** you" and kept pushing. when my son came out his skin color was very dark... she looked at him and just laughed and said oops.. the nurses assured me that he was just bruised from such a fast labor. they were right, his skin color lightned up after about an hour.

after son#2 she gained alot of weight. so she wanted a gastric bypass. our insurance covered it so she got one. i took care of her after the surgery like any husband would. within a year she weighed 120lbs and acted like she was the hottest thing ever. she got very conceded. she said she was going to be a stripper and make lots of money. until she got boooed off stage at a wet t-shirt contest due to her flabby butt.. once i used our taxes to pay for a boob job thats when she finally filed for divorce.. damn things cost me $5000 and i only got to play with them a couple times.

after i got home from deployment she convinced me to watch a porn she had made with 2 guys. i thought i would be able to handle watching it but i got mad and broke the CD. we talked about swinging with other couples but she couldnt handle me even kissing another woman.. we attended a party with some co-workers i just got really hammered. later in the night i walked into one of the bedrooms and she was naked on the bed and some guys were taking pictures of her. i was drunk and didnt care by this point. and i used to wonder why none of my co-workers had any respect for me.

i have many more F***** up stories. i will share them later. looking back on my life i used to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. i just dont understand what makes people so EVIL.



peterd
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01 Jul 2013, 6:12 am

My period of codependency lasted seventeen years. The thing about undiagnosed autistics is that everything revolves around them, and that distorts everything. Still, finding a knife wound in your back can change things - although we wound up back together again after that. For a little while.



Cirrocumulus
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05 Jul 2013, 7:53 am

waitykatie wrote:
Have any men here endured, and left, a long-term abusive relationship? How did you recover? Or was your ability to trust women permanently destroyed? Any advice for a female friend/ex-flame who genuinely cares about him (not to mention those poor kids, who spend most of their time with the psycho ex-wife)?


I was bullied throughout my childhood and was trapped in an abusive relationship in my late teens to early 20s. I'm 38 now, and I know that I always have to be on guard against bullying. I still haven't worked out how to deal with good friends, who are otherwise very nice people, when they appear to be a bit dominant or controlling. As an Aspie, it's even more difficult to know how to deal with such social situations when they're subtle or ambiguous.



Amrik
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05 Jul 2013, 10:47 am

lowe137 wrote:
when son#2 was born she told me "dont be suprized if you son comes out black." when she was in labor the had to induce her but labor only lasted 2 hours. she only pushed for 20 minutes. the nurses told her to stop pushing or she could hurt the baby and the doctore wasnt even there yet. then they yelled at me to tell her to stop pushing.. so i told her to "stop or you could hurt the baby." she just screamed at me "F*** you" and kept pushing. when my son came out his skin color was very dark... she looked at him and just laughed and said oops.. the nurses assured me that he was just bruised from such a fast labor. they were right, his skin color lightned up after about an hour.


Holy crap. That' it I'm never getting married.



Amrik
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05 Jul 2013, 10:55 am

lowe137 - your story is so crazy I'm finding it hard to believe.



lowe137
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05 Jul 2013, 8:03 pm

i wish my stories were not true... but they are.. i am divorced from that toxic narcissist and am remarried... i am recently realizing that what happened to me was abuse... i still have yet to heal from my problems... i am finding out that i have alot of deep issues that i havent even handled yet.. i have hardly ever been able to vent to anyone... i am just now starting to open up here on WP, and on internet period...

i guess because i didnt know i had autism i didnt know i was so easily manipulated. since my diagnosis my depression has gotten worse. my current wife is the only person i have told about my past marriage.

i used to wonder why my family and friends hated my ex. my dad told he he wished i never married that bi#@$...but now i can just be thankful i didnt commit suicide...almost a daily thought back then....



waitykatie
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07 Jul 2013, 4:44 pm

Gentlemen, thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps me get a sense of the day-to-day abuse my friend endured, and, prior to the divorce, did not consider "all that bad." I know very well it was awful, probably worse than I can imagine.

He wants to see me this week. To talk - not a booty call. That's good, but I have no idea what's on his mind. I sent him a link to WP as well. He didn't seem to like the suggestion that he's autistic, but I presented it positively, and left it at that. So he may have checked it out anyway. Or, he wants to discuss something else entirely. He never wants to see me without some purpose, but . . . ???

I'm a little nervous - I haven't seen him since March of last year, and have no idea what to expect. I'll keep you all posted.



Tequila
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07 Jul 2013, 5:04 pm

lowe137 wrote:
my current wife is the only person i have told about my past marriage.


Frankly if it was me and given that history I'd be staying away from women for a while.

Your call though, mate.



lowe137
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08 Jul 2013, 8:38 am

i guess i kinda have a fear of being alone. but once i dated after my first marriage i realized that not all women are emotional vamires.. i just had to find the right one. i have never paid my own bills before. and i cant cook to save my life.. but i was able to find a woman who respects me and loves me for who i am despite my issues.. i am very grateful to have found her.. now i am in therapy and beginning my healing process..



Blackpanther
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30 Jul 2013, 7:37 pm

Unbelievable..i thought I was the only one. my storey was I fell in love with the sweetest girl on the planet at first..we were 14 years difference but I seemed to get along better with a younger crowd.i didn't really connect with anyone my age.

she had some mental disabiltys teachers called stupid..so her dad pulled her out of school and taught her himself..but she turned more tomboy because of it..i knew she loved me as well .I honestly think she was my soulmate...


we had a lot of deaths in our familys of parents ,close relatives and friends within a 5 yr period .and they were all fairly young...that's when everything went wrong .. both of us stressed from watching them deteriorate in our home ..we were the only kids that took care of them when we could....we started drinking heavily ..her mores so than me as I had a full time job to worry about..i think between me and the deaths.. drove her to alchoholism although her mom died from being an alchoholic and the trait ran in her family plus her slow learning disability .
I don't know maybe it was too much for her.

.but me not showing affection very well and she was crazy affectionate. I was emotionless watching her cry .I didn't know what to do..i felt useless. and cold hearted. I cant help blaming myself for not being supportive...her family hated me they thought I was a jerk..and I felt like one. if I only knew I had autism then .I don't know .maybe I could have worked with it.

.she got heavy into drinking into an almost coma. state it was.like she gave up ..she had a 12 pack of 8% beer every day..i tried to get her to stop..by taking away the money and the beer ..it totally enraged her. she was craving it so bad.. she grabbed a steel 3ft vacuum extension and started bashing me on my legs while I was on the couch..until I gave her her beer...that wasn't the only time once I locked the bedroom door with me inside

..she brought a huge kitchen knife up and started stabbing the door... afterwards I open it shes huddled in the corner shaking ..and the door had huge gashes in it with the knife still in the door..i felt so bad so I gave her beer...the worst one was ..I took all the money this time and was on my way out the door.. she storms out the bathroom with this huge sharp kitchen knife and stabs me in the arm...I didn't even know what happened.

all I remember was being dragged in the house just outside the door.. with our daughter starring at me... I was drenched in blood..and it was everywhere...her calling in for work that I wouldnt be in.. I had a huge gash in my arm and needed stiches I said nothing to no one..the alchohol went to her brain eventually and she was seeing spiders ..and bugs on her..she had no comprehension of anything..

. I couldn't even talk with her anymore..it was like she was in another world...I had no family to go to anymore so I went to hers to help me.. they blamed me for it all ..because they didn't like me to begin with..and phoned the social services we lost our daughter our house and each other..
I know it wasn't her fault . I feel responsible for not being supportive..because she begged me not to go to her family for help.... now I know why.. I still think about them to this day.