He wont read anything.

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My boyfriend is a sweetheart. (He really is.) On one hand he tells me I am who I am. (I can't be anyone else.) On the other hand he says I am trying to live up to a label. I have told him repeatedly that "Yes I am who I am and I have Aspergers.", and that I have not changed who I am due to a diagnosis. He refuses to read anything about Aspergers as I have suggested but then turns around and asks me why I do wierd things. When I tell him it is due to the fact that I have Aspergers he gets mad. I simply cannot remember everything involved with AS because I have always been this way and see myself as normal. He is an NT and does not understand but will not learn anything. If he would just read and learn I feel he would be more prepared for what comes up and would not be so upset thinking the worst of the situation at hand if he knew that what he thinks is wierd is actually "normal" for me and that there is nothing to worry about.

Argh....

someone who gets angry at you when you tell him the truth is no sweetheart.

Actually he does a lot of things for me when he would rather be doing something else. He likes me the way I am and does not try to change me at all. He likes what I do and how I do those things even if they are different. I just don't understand his way of thinking when it comes to this subject. He does not lie, cheat, steal, etc., and was married to his late wife for 30+ years before she passed away.

He does not like sports that involve a ball of any sorts. He is extremly generous with his time and attention and includes me in every aspect of his life to include all his time with the guys every weekend.

It sounds like he does not want to believe something is "wrong" with you - this could actually be because he cares but doesn't understand. His unwillingness to find out may be because he can't face the medical/clinical side of an ASC, or because he has a fear of "disability". As soon as he starts to find out about ASCs he has to acknowledge your differences and why they are there and work with them instead of complaining about them; in other words knowing something about your "impairment" means he actually has to recognise and deal with it.

I find a lot of parents have this attitude when they first find out about ASCs - they look at their child and think that they can't possibly be autistic, that it's just someone's imagination, someone making a mistake..... For parents it is often a kind of grief reaction - the death of the dream of their perfect child. That may sound strange but every parent looks at their newborn and dreams of its future and ASCs change that future - not always for the worse but they assume it will be worse - and with an ASC diagnosis you know your kid will face struggles however high functioning they are and that is a bitter draft for a doting parent. Sometimes it takes a very, very long time to come to terms with the idea.

People on the spectrum also reject diagnosis when they find out - especially those who have been brought up as gifted - the change from thinking of yourself as gifted and perfect to impaired and disabled is just too sharp and there is no middle ground, no ability to see that you can be autistic and still a valuable person. They sometimes spend years trying to prove their diagnosis is wrong and waste all the time they could be learning and developing and overcoming their difficulties entrenching their isolation and despair at their diagnosis. It sounds silly but it is a natural reaction against diagnosis in someone who sees themselves as superior.

I don't know how long you have been with your partner, it is perhaps early days and there are things he needs to come to terms with before he is ready to look closer at what autism means for you... I suppose the only thing I can suggest is gently introducing ideas until he gets the hang of them enough to face them

Thank you

Of course, another reaction is to see the diagnosis as a label that confirms their superiority and that can cause just as many problems!! !

It's a shame because those who can embrace the good with the bad and come to terms with both their strengths and weaknesses have far more potential to be well rounded and fulfilled people - it does take a while for most to achieve this kind of balance though

I suspect we often forget that those who love someone on the spectrum have to also go through these sort of processes before they can be able to accept the diagnosis

I personally see ASCs as a combination of developmental delay largely caused by sensory processing differences and the natural response to sensory processing differences which make the world uncomfortable, confusing and even painful - if you have processing differences your experience of the world is different and you learn things in different areas of development at different rates meaning you may not fit the expected pattern and that leads to an inability for you and others to accept who you are and what your place in the world is. The main problem area, as we all know, is social communication - it takes us a long time to figure out how to communicate in the way others find accessible

Many on the spectrum feel displaced, lost, isolated for much of their lives. Those who are fortunate enough to be born with a presentation that allows them to continue their development slowly but surely and have recognition and support from those around them can eventually learn the strategies that enable them to come to terms with themselves and the world and present themselves to others in a way they can cope with - they can find a comfortable place. Others may never get beyond finding some peace within themselves, still others may not have the capacity (often due to overwhelming sensory onslaught) to even learn how to communicate their needs beyond the very basic distress/enjoyment, never mind recognise and communicate their feelings, without significant support for the whole of their lives.

Awareness is the key to building the bridges between ASC and NT and it is just as important for ASC people to become self aware as it is for others to become aware of ASCs.
But you can't force it, it has to grow with maturity just like any other sort of awareness, the best you can do is offer the support and hope to find a way to help the person connect with it - if they won't read a book then you have to find another way to help them grow; where resistance is present I find drip feeding, seeding ideas, helps but it is a very slow process.

I have been working and living with ASCs all my life - supporting children and adults, people with severe difficulties and highly successful people who can mask their differences effectively, being raised by an autistic father, nurturing 2 autistic children, teaching awareness to both NTs and people on the spectrum; yet I was in my 40s before I realised that all I had learned applied to me too, I was the parent of children who had almost become adults themselves before I had the self awareness to understand my place on the spectrum (actually a lot of that was because I knew too much as a professional - I kept seeing traits and dismissing them as just being a tendency to see things where they didn't exist because of my high level of knowledge, and although I had just about accepted I was on the spectrum it wasn't until my current boss, an exceptionally astute professional, expressed her opinion soon after I joined her company, that I really understood who I am).

Uhm … doesn’t everybody get angry when you tell them the truth?

This sounds like my mom. When ever I tell her she is beautiful, she says, a lot, that I only say it because I love her. Since he says you are who you are, you are trying to adhere to a label, and things like this, he may fell like you are paying to much attention to what is wrong with you, and may be trying to make you happy. Tell him you know nothing is wrong with you, you just want him to learn about it so that you do not argue, or so that he can understand you better. You have to be sure he is trying to be protective (shielding you from labels and teasing), and not just refusing to listen to you. If he is being protective in this, for lack of words, rudimentary way, then explain to him you are trying to make it easier for him and that you already were diagnosed by a doctor. Honestly, he may think since you have acheived so much, you may not need to worry about that, and just wants you to be happy. Just make sure with him, it is the first thing you should be doing.