27 years old and no idea who I am...

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Hey, guys!

So, here's the thing...I've been experiencing a lot of changes in the last couple of years in terms of my sexuality and gender identity, and now, at the age of 27, I realize that I really have no idea who I am. I realize that placing myself into some category isn't necessary, but that sort of self-identification is helpful and kind of important for me, particularly moving forward.

At this very moment, this is how I would describe myself: transmasculine, androphillic, heteroromantic, hypo/asexual.

I've dealt with gender identity issues for my entire life (starting around age 3 or 4, based on my own memory and second-hand accounts), but my dysphoria has ebbed and flowed over the years. I was incredibly dysphoric and ready to transition at around age 17, but due to lack of support and low self-esteem, I kind of propelled myself into a very girly stage, in which I lost a lot of weight, dressed very feminine, wore makeup, etc.

I met my current boyfriend when I was 22, and was still very girly and happy with my presentation. At this point, I was convinced that my gender dysphoria was a phase. In the beginning of our relationship, the sex was pretty regular and enjoyable. As the years passed, though, I began putting on weight and became less and less interested. We just had our 5-year anniversary, and have not had sex for 1.5 YEARS.

In December, my gender dysphoria returned hard and fast. I found a picture of myself at age 12, looking very much like a pre-teen boy, and I was struck with a simultaneous wave of joy and grief. Seeing the picture made me happy, because I loved the way I looked, and I realized right then that I was completely unhappy with how I look now. I came out to my boyfriend as being transgender, and he has been very accepting. I am not, however, out to anyone else, and still present as female (but wear men's clothing mostly).

Anyway, as I've been thinking more and more about transitioning, I've tried imagining being in a relationship with my boyfriend as a boy, and I can't quite picture it. If I picture myself as a boy in a relationship with a girl, it seems right. The strange thing is, I am in NO WAY physically or sexually attracted to women. I can recognize or appreciate when a woman is attractive, but, to be quite honest, I find the female body to be quite gross (no offense...I have a female body, myself!). Basically, I can picture being in the same type of relationship with a girl as the one I have now with my boyfriend...very loving, best friends, hand holding and kisses, but no sex or touching...but only if I were presenting as male.

What's super strange about this is...I've always kind of identified in my mind as a gay male. As a girl, I'm what I guess you'd call a 'fag hag.' I love gay men. I understand men desiring other men, because I can't understand anyone desiring the female form. So, why can't I picture being in a gay relationship myself?

The most mind-boggling thing is, and this is related to sexuality all-around, is that I watch a lot of GAY PORN. While I have zero desire to actually have sex with anyone, I still have strong sexual urges (I'm differentiating 'urges' as arousal and 'desire' as want for actual intercourse), and I take care of those urges by watching gay porn. So, yeah...WTF?

In terms of my feeling of hypo/asexuality, the thing is, I'm completely open and comfortable with the idea of sex. I can talk about it, I can joke about it, I can watch porn and really enjoy it. I even like how sex itself feels. It's just the actual act that...weirds me out, but only if it's someone I know. For instance, I can no longer even picture my boyfriend and I having sex, because sex feels like this really animal thing to me, and our relationship is not 'animal.' I have a really hard time imagining anyone I know having sex, too (not that I'm imagining in a weird, creepy way), but for friends of mine who are married, it occurs to me, oh, they are having sex...weird. I just can't picture people in that animal way...but, if I just see a really attractive person that I don't personally know, I can imagine having sex with them.

Any time I start thinking about people in a relationship having sex, it just really weirds me out. It's like, I picture the people I am close to as these innocent beings, and can think of them in only the way I interact with them. When it occurs to me that they have sex, my mind like, starts to reject it...like, no, sex is so animal and primal, and they aren't that way! I'm not that way! Strange, right?

Anyway, I'm just reaching out to see if anyone can relate with the way I'm feeling. It's odd to be at age 27 and having your whole self-perception do a 180 on you. I just feel really confused and alone, and want to figure out what's going on with me so that I can make a decision about transitioning and how that will impact my life going forward.

P.S. I'm not sure if this is relevant, but I was molested as a teenager and lost my virginity to the individual. My boyfriend of 5 years if the only other person I've had sex with, but I've had sexual interactions with a handful of other guys between the two.

P.P.S. The hypo/asexual feelings wouldn't distress me if I weren't in a relationship. I don't miss sex or have any desire to have sex, but feel quite badly for my boyfriend.

if you don't mind me asking, if your BF takes manual care of his sexual urges, does that bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me. Should it?

no, I was not saying it should bother you, but I couldn't help but wonder because you said that the idea of people having sexual relations "weird"-ed you out.

Oh, no, actual intercourse. Masturbation doesn't bother me. People in general having sex doesn't weird me out, either, just people I'm close with.

I know...it's strange!

well, as they say, "Vive la difference!"

Anyone have any advice/opinions...can relate?

That's an interesting question, Major, but I have a hunch that some of it may be the exact opposite...hyposexual due to my gender dysphoria.

I started claiming to be a boy and/or wishing to be a boy as early as 3 years old, and have had these gender dysphoric feelings my whole life, at some points quite diminished, at others, quite strong, so I don't think they are in any way manifest of my sexual confusion.

The thing is, I'm very childlike, and grow moreso the older I get. The childlike qualities that I have from AS, combined with this nostalgic longing of the 'boyhood' I missed out on (even if I do transition now, I'll be a man, not a boy, and I feel like a boy), makes me feel about a decade younger than I am, and so maybe 'adult' acts make me uncomfortable? The thing is, I was much more comfortable with (and interested in) sex when I was younger, so I'm not really sure.

I'm just really confused.

I don't think you are asexual. I think your issues with sex have to do with sexual abuse. The reason you can't picture yourself in a gay relationship is simply internalized homophobia. A lot of gay men can't picture themselves in a gay relationship.

I'm 27 soon, as well. I had some gender dysphoria. Right now I'm happy presenting as female and being read that way. I'm even quite pretty and I'm worried that going on hormones would mess up my looks. I'm attracted to men and still want to attract them. However, inside I feel pretty much androgynous and have a strong male side to my psyche. I've kind of just learn to accept that there is a difference between how I look and how I feel. I wear men's clothes sometimes, but with long hair and makeup, as well. Some people find the whole curvy/cute girl with masculine energy thing attractive, I've found - but I like them to take the whole package - both the feminine body and the androgynous personality because both are parts of me, rather than focus on one thing or the other.

I think dressing in men's clothes is a good start. Before you try something hormones, you might want to talk to a therapist who specialises in gender, as testosterone can alter the body and mind quite a lot. I naturally produce slightly more of it than most girls, but a lot less than a man with balls or a transman on hormones. Even the little I do produce has quite and effect on me.

I don't know about the sexuality, but I don't think you're asexual or even hyposexual. You're just going through a tough time and sex would be a bit weird for you right now. I've been through something similar myself. I'm very bi, though. I had some hangups about the female body when I was more dysmorphic, so that put me off, but basically I'm attracted to both when I'm comfortable in myself. I know what you mean about feeling like a gay male because I've felt like a bisexual male at times in woman's body, but really I'm just me. My brain doesn't care that much about gender and it gets confusing to compare myself to other people and their sexualities.

A lot of the problems I had with being a woman came from being physically abused as a child and groped a lot as a teenager. Also, society's expectations of femininity. I don't know how much of an effect this had on you. It's hard to figure out and takes quite a long time, but having someone to talk to helps.

It's very different doing it with someone you care about, so I understand not being able to imagine having sex in a relationship, but for me, sex with friends is the only type I like because one-night stands in practice are their own kind of weird and awkward. I wouldn't worry about having sex right now, though. Perhaps be intimate in other ways/do a bit of touching - sex will come more naturally, then - but it will be more intense because it's with your best friend. The intensity is hard to process, but it can be rewarding.

There's a lot going on here, may I suggest visiting AVEN to discuss the Asexuality? It could help a few things out.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/overview.html Thing's to know about Asexuality, but if you want, you can check with the forums, someone may be able to relate to you there even.

Yes, I am at a similar crossroads as you. I'm transgender, though, pre-everything. I dress in male clothing, and annoyingly still recognized as female. I've gone as far as getting a t-shot and started having people call me a new name. Though, I've never been in a real relationship, because I don't know how to approach it. I went through a time where I fooled myself into thinking, I was thinking that way because of past issues I've had as a child (sexual abuse). I went through a girly phase once more trying to convince myself, but that facade exploded into a meltdown for me. I can't deny I feel like a teenage boy inside, interested in girls but nothing really sexual. Like a very, very close friendship, lol. I wonder if it's something ingrained in us, for we grow up in a culture where it's boys like girls, vice versa, end of discussion. I'm a little confused too. If I could be a full male, then I might be ok with it all. For I feel hetero. And yes, some folks are just too hard to imagine, in fact best not to go there. Sex is unneeded these days. You are right it seems animalistic. We could develop relationships with our minds, not bodies.

I guess it shouldn't matter in the end, as long as you find your happiness.

i'm still unsure on who I am