Stuck in female role

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I took hormones and transitioned to female role full time. When the collision between my executive dysfunction and desire for SRS (sex reassignment surgery) occurred, I had major rages. Over the last few months, I had built up a well of indifference toward the manner and saw a sign I should transition back to male role--I was looking at the eddies too much and needed to go with the current. Well, now I've been told off at work for not meeting the dress code--I wasn't wearing a bra. So I've come home to put my bra on and I've started taking my hormones again because I'm not going to have male sweat smell on a bra--eww, gross. Anyway, I hate the male smell on me anyway, and am going back on hormones to take care of that.

But now I'm going to be going right back into that conflict between my executive dysfunction and social isolation, which makes it really difficult to save up for SRS, and my desire for SRS. If I lose my indifference, what'll I do? Should I uproot everything and head to California, where I hear Kaiser will be covering it on their plan starting next year? Talk to my uncle?

You have interesting problems.

Well, I went home, shaved, showered, got my bra out, changed my clothes, dried my hair, and straightened it. I feel a little better after doing this. Now I'm at work, and ready to go! I also restarted my hormones.

hi beneficii,
is it possible to get something confirmed first before jumping into this question; are MtF or FtM?
sorry,am a bit confused.

MtF.

The text of the OP does seem to say the opposite of the headline. It is a bit confusing.

This reminds me of something I read about in a Tony Attwood book--maybe also heard him talk about. It's a complicated business when AS effects become identified with gender roles.

What I mean is, I've been in the female role long enough and on hormones long enough, that I do have to do certain things, like wear a bra. At that point, it's clear that probably staying in the female role makes the most sense, because of the fact my name is female, my passport is female, my hair is in that shape, etc. The only problem are those pesky parents.

    This is awesome. I'm very impressed with your courage!
    I've seen some of your other posts and meant to offer earlier.
    If you feel you're having any 'hiccups' in smooth behavior or coping I can help in a very dramatic way.
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Well, I was officially female at work, but had been slacking. I started having conflict between my executive dysfunction and desire for surgery causing massive scary rages last October. I had been building up a well of indifference with that. I planned to return to the male role to finally put the lock on the indifference. Well, I was dressed standard male business casual, with polo shirt, pants, and belt when my supervisor came and told me that coworkers were complaining about my violating the dress code: I needed to wear a bra. You see, I was on hormones for years, so my chest is at least somewhat developed. At that point, everything clicked, and I knew I needed to dress in something more appropriate for female wear and that's why I went home and did all that. I suddenly became motivated about my appearance for the first tiem in a while. Now, I'd like to take advantage of the female role by wearing a summer dress or skirt to help with the heat.

It wasn't a radical or courageous statement at all, but rather just putting things back to the way they were before.

Now to deal with my executive dysfunction and desire for surgery.

You know. This is the perfect story to tell my anti-trans father.

Probably just keep scrupulous personal hygiene and wear a bra when you leave the house always, until you figure things out.

SRS is permanent, and you should by law be in counseling to help you sort feelings, before any surgeon will do that surgery, as I understand the law.

In my layperson opinion you should sort this with some professionals, but until then, take care of yourself so as not to add any new problems, like trouble at work.

Good luck.

There is no such law. What there is are what's called "standards of care." My understanding is that these standards are evolving more toward "informed consent" and away from patronizing rules that are more for the protection of people who aren't transgender than they are to facilitate the people who are transgender. They are also not meant to be set in stone.

WPATH has a copy of the current SOC on their website: http://www.wpath.org/documents/IJT%20SOC,%20V7.pdf

That second paragraph rouses some old ire. Wanna know why? Hint: it teaches me nothing new and reminds me of the source of my rages.

Maybe it is hopeless for me with my executive dysfunction and I should just wear a binder and return to a male ASAP.

OK, my newer therapist (from the start of April) has been referring to me as a male, so tomorrow I'm going to change the tone by going in a pink shirt with a flower on it and a purple skirt. Finally, I've got the whole tucking thing figured out and I've got a good bra. Though I may not be the most passable, I think I do look attractive. I'm going to share what I've shared here.

Speaking as someone who did (non-op) MtF, complete w/ the California ID, for a few years, then back, I would really urge caution in your actions. Gender identity shouldn't be established by what co-workers are saying, but of what you are certain. And, right now, you sound really uncertain. Maybe there's a reason for the "indifference" you've had. If I were you, I'd dress / walk / talk the middle line at work and give yourself some time to breathe.

There is a reason for the well of indifference: a psychological defense mechanism. I am most certainly not about to run off and have surgery: I don't have the money or insurance coverage (because my plan categorically excludes that surgery). The well of indifference was to protect myself against that fact and the fact that executive dysfunction makes it unlikely for me to be able to save up money, forcing me to rely on finding some sort of insurance coverage that does cover it--rumor has it that Kaiser in California will start covering it soon, so that may be something to jump on. Basically, I was raging because I had no clear path to surgery due to money and insurance coverage and was afraid that executive dysfunctions would keep me from it forever. I'd been building up the well of indifference to protect myself from raging. I don't plan on dressing that way at work (not yet, at least), but only at the therapist's appointment to make this aspect of myself and the fact that I am officially in the female role clearer to him. Nevertheless, in the hot summer, being able to wear a skirt does sound nice.