Aspie erupting badly

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I am being very autocratic, direct, stubborn, argumentative etc with a lot of people recently. I'm almost looking for the next confrontation so I can straighten out whatever or whoever needs straightening. At the same time, I can't get to sleep at night because I am having fantasial arguments and yelling contests with people. I'm enjoying this because its cathartic; like spewing up after having food poisoning. In this case its psychological poisoning built up over time.

I have this habit of accommodating other people against my own better judgement. I do a lot (other than emotional stuff) to win friends and influence people (over-compensating because I'm not a natural people person) but this then becomes too easy for the benefactors and I end up feeling used and abused. I will go along with other people's ideas and initiatives even when I think they are misguided and plain wrong. In the working world I suppose its standard to have to do this so maybe my situation is not unique. Its thankless mostly because of a certain class of 'climbers' who will grab all glory, insulate themselves from any responsibility when things don't go too well and in-between avoid having to commit resources to the initiative.

The trouble is that for most NTs, this behaviour is fairly normal and not necessarily even unethical because thats based on something known as 'personal perception'. Personal perceptions apparently outweight concrete facts. I haven't been told this but following analysis of numerous situations it is clear to me that 'fact' and 'perception' are terminally confused in the minds of most humans. These concepts are so terminally confused that when I state a fact I am liable to be told that it isn't a fact but is actually just my perception.

I am detecting that the difference between fact and perception is directly correlated with the means of the person to impose their perceptions on the world around them. Those who have the power are able to convert their perceptions into fact. While I don't agree with their politics or philosophies, the methods of Stalin and Hitler were quite rational. Somewhere I the back of my mind I know I'll have to tone down my grumpiness at some stage, but right now I'm really enjoying it .

What you're describing sounds like a psychotic break or other breakdown. Seek help before you hurt yourself please.

This type of thing can wreck relationships for you and get you into trouble.

A good counselor trained in primal scream therapy or anger management or some other way to channel anger, in a safe environment (their office), can help immensely.

Yes, I have monthly sittings with a psychologist; I can't do more because I work for extended periods away from home in very remote countries (construction projects). I have been advised to meditate. I have a large amount of New Age meditative music and I listen to it a lot. I can't quite get myself to truly meditate. The upwellings of emotion are simply too strong at present. Most of the time I am emotionally bottled up and when these emotions force their way to the surface, I know its time to let the emotions go in as controlled a manner as I can. These 'crackups' occur regularly in my life (really intense ones every 2 years or so) so I have learnt how to deal with them.

Can you identify what has triggered this?

If you use medication has it been changed recently, change in diet or personal relationships?

Can you vent physically to reduce the amount of frustration? Is there a gym with a punchbag where you work?
Otherwise you could employ calisthenic routines without any equipment, may help you to sleep better too.

I'm watching it right now. It's in a box on the left of my bed in my room.

Is your work environment the type of environment where you can be recognized for taking initiative?

From your post(s), I wasn't entirely sure.

Maybe instead of meditation and suppressing emotions you could try something more energetic to get rid of surplus energy, like sports or even punching pillows? If you swallow emotions for too long you aren't doing your own sanity many favours.

It is a cycle of workaholism, depression and simmering resentment, anxiety/anger/rage, cathartic release, calm and euphoria and then its starts all over again. This cycle occurs over months and sometimes years and there are cycles within cycles. I have been on anti-depressants before but I stopped taking those.





Totally agree with boywonder and Noetic. I don't see my current eruptions of emotion as a bad thing as long as I don't harm anyone or destroy things. I do need to learn how to express negative emotions constructively. However, if I didn't vent, I would not be breaking the cycle. Its essential to have the catharsis and to let people know what I am thinking/feeling and what/where my personal boundaries are. I don't think I do enough of this and it all bottles up leading to serious problems.

The psychologist has given me some ways to pay attention to difficult experiences and deal with them before they result in extreme emotions. The worst thing I do is start shaking with rage and yell at people and it gets problematic when they happen to be senior managers and the yelling is happening in a public forum. I am not a violent person but I do scare people because I'm not physically small (1.92m tall and weigh approx 115kg).

Yes it is. I am a very creative systems/process builder with a strong emphasis on making things actually work on the ground. If I may say so, I am very experienced and qualified in my field and have a long track record of success to show for it. As a result I generally get to run things the way I want to run things.

What I shall now describe is an example of something that gets me emotionally worked up. The construction projects that I am involved in are in remote places where workforces are illiterate or semi-literate and often do not speak English. In this context all effective learning is experience-based (hands-on and in work situations). Technical/theoretical policy statements delivered in lecture format in the English language are entirely unhelpful. When such things are imposed by the company, many people will do the lecture or they will go around and get people to sign off on the material without having done the lecture. They do this to be compliant. I don't, and if forced I resent it. Thats where it starts getting messy.

I feel you need to accept responsibility here too.

You are throwing all of yourself into this job, your opinion is not always respected, therefore you get stressed and angry.

I feel you are damaging both yourself and your relationships with others by becoming angry and venting in this way.

Your expertise in your job may be recognised, others would trust you more if you could maintain a professional character, by not shouting etc.

Can I suggest that you accept that you are part of a(n inefficient) system (of management) too. (Not a personal criticism.) Try to accept that perfectionism and humans do not always fit together too well.

Create new boundaries, break down the existing ones.

If you are forced to make a presentation, can you make it diagram based, to pass on essential points, rather than written. The lecture could be translated and given by someone who is fluent in the local language.

I assume you are reasonably well paid for this and also have a pension and other benefits. Try not to let the stress kill you before you have a chance to enjoy this.

EDIT: Attempt to give this more clarity.

Last edited by neilson_wheels on 24 Jun 2013, 9:36 am, edited 3 times in total.

Dude, that's too much even for me. That's a lot of info being thrown his way if you axe me. Er, ask me.

I'll be the first to admit that writing is not my best skill.

One way to deal with anger is to notice that it is mostly caused by people, not by things.

Suppose there was a person called Mr Winter who did things like make you slip up and hit your head on the pavement, increased your energy bills so you lost a lot of money, and stopped you from enjoying your favourite hobbies for half the year. You'd be pretty angry with him right?

But in reality winter is a thing not a person. This means that (in general) people don't get angry with winter. Rather they just accept that it is something that can't be changed and don't think much about it.

If you are able to accept that people are just idiots sometimes and that you can't change the way they are, then your anger will disappear.

(This is easier said than done, I realise that)

I want to talk about your longer post but its too long to quote so linking with this shorter one. Your post was quite sensible and I can relate to it in its entirety. A very large component of the catharsis is recalibrating myself to an imperfect world contaminated by humans. It is not a case of the boundaries being redrawn in total accordance with my worldview. The recalibrating of my own thinking is particularly painful.

Your suggestion that information should be transmitted in more diagrammatic format etc is correct and I do that whenever allowed by constraints imposed. The constraints I refer to are processes, systems, methodologies and specific documents declared inviolate by their owners. When I want to modify documentation to make it palatable to a different audience and am obstructed for no other reason than that I'm forbidden to do so, it triggers resentment leading in time to rage. it As stated in previous posts, I do have a fair bit of autonomy so its not all bad. I would not mind if the limits of my autonomy were rational but they are not; they are generally defined by the political agendas of others, sometimes with displays of naked political aggression. Established managers are prone to cling on to relics of failed or sub-optimal processes/systems that need to be replaced or reworked. It is the clinging to these relics and the obstruction of system/process renewal that really angers me. It is then that I become the one displaying naked political aggression and I hate myself for that because I have allowed them to get to me and turn me into a stubborn, defensive, argumentative pig of a person; I become exactly that which I hate. For purposes of sheer self defence, I feel I have no choice.

Hello Jabberwocky,
Personally I am at a point where I have found it impossible to work with other people, I'm very unwilling to compromise. I'm currently on a hiatus while rebuilding our house before I attempt to figure out what my next move will be.

Ironically my partner was fired from her job this morning. She is far from a typical as people go. From our lengthy discussions on the subject, I feel that she would recognise everything you have written above. I have spent a lot of time trying to encourage a positive mental attitude in the face of ignorance or arrogance but these things still hurt.

I hope you find a solution, best wishes. NW.