Not sure I should even try finding work anymore

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I've only manage dto hold a few jobs, and only one for more than 9 months (that one I held for 2 years). At present I haven't worked in about 2 1/2 years, although that is in large part due to going to school for a job field I ended up unable to participate in at all. Let's just say I had a talent for the job, but was not informed I would have to double as a salesman until it was too late, and I can't sell things.

Part of why I can't sell things is the same reason I struggle to find any job at all. I have the unfortunate side effect of always appearing dishonest, due to a combination of my complete lack of social awareness, and near-crippling social anxiety. Even when reporting known facts or reading from a page (dyslexia doesn't help in reading, either), the moment I sense any kind of question of judgement I get a horrible flush and forget all the knowledge in my head, even when I came prepared with a response to the exact question I was asked. Even when having a casual conversation with familiar people, if I express an opinion or provide any significant input, I find myself becoming light-headed and sometimes struggling not to pass out.

I have no idea how much eye contact is 'normal', or the difference between eye contact and staring. I also usually don't notice where I'm looking because I'm too busy thinking about what they said, or what I'm going to say, or trying to remember to give 'proper' physical cues. When I'm thinking, I don't really see what I'm looking at. I took interview training classes, and during those classes, I would often think I had constant eye contact, only to hear that I somehow was never making eye contact. I have to focus REALLY hard in order to formulate sentences and responses (even pre-practiced responses), and I guess I just can't do that without looking down.

Because of my struggles with forming coherent sentences, I also take a long time to respond to anything which I don't have a word-for-word response planned for. In an interview that is unacceptable, but I've found that it is just as unacceptable when you have a job. If I don't pin down my exact words and phrasing in advance, and then take the time to say it to myself loudly in my head, I will stutter and stammer, if I'm lucky enough to say something that makes sense at all. Half the time, the need to respond quickly results in ill-ordered phrases and misused words that make me sound like I barely know how to speak english at all.


Even worse for me than finding a job, though, might be having a job. My social awkwardness is so profound that only a single co-worker has ever been able to stand me, and his help with the boss was the only reason I held my last job for 2 years. I am completely unable to notice, in the moment, when someone is annoyed or upset with me during a conversation. I also rarely can figure out why exactly this is, but in my experience, almost every person I encounter seems to dislike me even if I don't say a word. This isn't a matter of paranoia, sadly, because word always gets back to me either through acquaintences or through a manager that people have been talking vocally about not wanting me around.

Possibly because of past encounters, or maybe entirely due to my AS, I am completely incapable of handling criticism. I have gotten better about this, in that I usually maintain my composure for the most part, but inside I still feel the same way. Even with friends & family, when they criticise me for anything at all, I can instantly feel the tears welling up and have to fight them back. One comment, however benign, can send me down a spiral of confusion, anger, and sadness all at the same time. It's not that I'm upset at them, I just experience an overwhelming sense of helplessness and inadequacy at my inability at times when I thought I was successful.

Because of the stresses of dealing with people on a daily basis, and the fact that I have only ever been able to makes guesses not only at what their reactions will be, but I can also only guess what people's reactions ARE in the present or were in the past. None of it makes sense to me, and more often than not things are actually going worse than I think. Just when I think I'm doing well, my boss always seems to come to me about my behavior or performance issues.

When I actually have a job, I often find myself thinking that I'd rather kill myself than face those people again.

I have a love-hate relationship with work. I need it to make money to pay the rent or be homeless. One thing, though, is work does help with self esteem issues. It lifts you up, in a sense, and brings you around to normal. With a job you feel like you belong in society and you're not just some sponge or parasite.

I also have serious communication deficits that I've been working on for years. In the end, it seems like the less I say to people the better.

Hi Sangy,

I can relate to having long periods of unemployment and also to going to school for a field that I have talent in but am unable to actually work in due to the social environments that absolutely drown me.

I want to encourage you to hold on hope. It may not be fast, and it may not be an area from your schooling, but you can find a job and keep it. It is a matter of getting assistance, encouragement, and finding a job environment that doesn't completely require you to act like a person you aren't.

I had to use services from vocational rehabilitation to get from complete depression and unemployment, to volunteering, to part time work, which has, in about a year of hard work, turned into full time work. All the while, my administrator had doubts about my ability to adapt. I took it slowly and gained confidence and experience. My coworkers confuse me! But I have a job where I am not dependent on their approval and I can mostly work by myself, whether they are being lazy or incompetent or in a bad mood. I hate their bad moods, I cant tell if it is directed at me, or if it just them taking personal drama out on everyone. But I am learning to discard their negativity because I love my job, I am happy to be working and making money, and I am not at the job to win friends or socialize with those people who hate being there and just want to clock out and go home.

This makes me a good employee and that is why I have been promoted, to everyones surprise including my own.

As far as not being able to respond, it helps to have voc rehab help introduce you to a possible place of employment. They can highlight what your talents are and what your weaknesses are so that your employer will not expect you to be a brilliant speaker. At first I was frustrated because my coworkers obviously have an opinion that I am stupid, due to my slow responses, misunderstanding, and stuttering when I have to say something novel. This upset me, but now I no longer care what they think.

When I can, I just say the things I am comfortable with saying and repeat them, or nod and smile, or just fall silent until they ask me a second time and I can come up with an answer. If that makes me stupid then so be it, they talk too fast and spend all day talking too much their personal problems. boring!

Thanks for the encouraging words, but I'm sorry there is no such thing as vocational rehabd around here that I have been able to locate. Living in Arizona, US, and this state has very little in the way of assistance for people, unless that assistance is translators, there's tons of those available for free.

Hi Sangy,

I looked up VR services for your state and found the following link,
which will lead you to a form you can fill out and start the process of application.
Applications are based on things like your history of mental health and you will need to release your medical records and treatment records to them for things like therapy psychiatry etc in order for them to verify your disabilities. If it helps, I was entitled to the program in my state based only on anxiety and depression prior to diagnosis in aspergers.

here is the link for you --->AZ VR FORMS<----

hope that helps!

I gave up on finding work a while ago. Instead I am doing a self-assessment of my skills and trying to utilize the internet and my skills online. While I work on utilizing my skills I do paid surveys like >cashcrate<. Right now I do it pretty casually but daily and have made about $54 total (will be more by the end of this month).

I realized that I have a specific skill-set that makes me a good candidate for being self-employed and an even better skill-set that makes working online very plausible for me. This includes my background in developing games and writing. So while I work on figuring that out I do paid surveys which don't pay much, but do pay something. I set aside about 1-2 hours everyday to work on them, and when I'm not doing that I work on my writing project which I've been writing and editing for the past 7-8 years now if not longer (technically been working on the individual pieces to the project since I was around 10 and been editing and adding more and editing, revising etc. this entire time). I now have an entire universe, species, characters, histories, languages, and several books that are being edited and cleaned up, and writing bits that have won me some awards throughout my life.

They'd translate well in the offline world if I were better coping with working around people, but right now I'm not, and I'm just now realizing we have all we need to get started no employers needed. I wonder then if self-employment then is the best route for some of us to go rather than working for others who don't seem to always understand.

I think today if we fail at making a living offline, with the internet and some good realistic planning and research, and even advisement a living can be made online, and it most certainly seems like that's not only where we're headed but where you have the widest audience regardless of where a person lives.

That's at least the way I have dealt with the problem. I also babysit a dog because I work really well with animals, and this woman who knew my grandmother learned that I work with a lot of different animals in volunteering (and won an award for volunteering so appeared in the newspaper). She asked me to take care of her dog while she was away, so I did. I babysat her for 2 weeks (free) because I enjoyed the dog so much, and when she came back she offered me a job of babysitting her dog. I would have done it for free but my grandmother wouldn't allow it, so I let her choose a price and babysit a dog who is one of my best friends! I want to donate plasma but I don't weigh much and right now I have a lot of anxiety, but there are a lot of ways I have read to make all the money you need without being employed doing what we love and feel comfortable with.