not quite NT girl dating aspy, its confusing

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myguyisasp
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24 Jun 2013, 1:31 am

i have been dating a man for over a year (we are in our 50s). we met on a dating site, he contacted me. we are in a monogamous relationship. he knows he is on the autism spectrum, i suggested it was aspy and he thinks maybe so. he is smart and successful. any way, he is completely unable or unwilling to verbally or physically show affection for me. i have told him i love him and he has never responded in kind not even in writing. he doesnt like to touch me unless we are having sex. he doesnt like kissing unless we are having sex. we only make love about once a month and wish it were alot more often. he has trouble sleeping with me in his bed. i want to believe he loves me but sometimes i get scared that he doesnt. i have point blank asked him and he told me the only person he ever said i love you to was his dying father. but he has never said he doesnt love me and i asked him to tell me if he didnt.

i need feedback from some aspy guys. could he love me and just be u able to say it? it is hard sometimes to believe it is the aspy and not that he just doesnt like/love me. it leaves me feeling insecure which i have told him.

is it the aspy or is it me?



redrobin62
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24 Jun 2013, 1:36 am

Hi. Your post is confusing. On the one hand, you say he is unwilling to physically show affection to you, then turn around and say you two have sex? I don't get it.



myguyisasp
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24 Jun 2013, 1:42 am

ok. i guess i mean outside of having sex. i mean giving hugs, putting his arm around me, holding my hand, saying i love you or i miss you.



nortier
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24 Jun 2013, 2:53 am

myguyisasp wrote:
i need feedback from some aspy guys. could he love me and just be u able to say it? it is hard sometimes to believe it is the aspy and not that he just doesnt like/love me. it leaves me feeling insecure which i have told him.

is it the aspy or is it me?


I'm a woman, but I think I can answer this. Loving someone and not being able to say it might be what he's actually doing. I didn't tell my mother I loved her until I was 20, despite the fact that I truly did. I can imagine it makes you feel very insecure!

It's not just the Asperger's, not just him, not just you, but all three (I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound rude). As an NT (I assume), you're better able to become aware of certain patterns and issues. It's not the easiest job in the world, but if you intend to be with him for a while, your relationship can benefit great from you 'stepping up'.

My fiance and I do it this way. He isn't on the spectrum and doesn't have any trouble with things I can't even bare thinking about. When he senses a situation coming up, or that I'm insecure or angry, we will sit down and discuss it. For example: I have a very pessimistic explanatory style, and he knows this, so when I get upset, he can easily calm me down by addressing that he knows how I feel. This is where he really shines: he has a theory of mind, I don't. By doing this he can open up a dialogue and make me feel positive again.

Now, this is just an example that might not be applicable to your situation. What I'm trying to say is that I adore him for helping me with things I find very difficult. Your partner might be struggling with his physical and emotional affection towards you. Imagine this: while you may feel like you can't reach him to talk about it, I'm sure he will feel the exact same if not more so, because he doesn't know how to express himself in that way. As someone who recognises the issue and is ready to talk about it, you have the upper hand.

I don't know if you've done so already, but reading about Asperger's and what it entails can really help you (it has helped my fiance). I really hope you can find a way to reach him so that he understands!



myguyisasp
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24 Jun 2013, 10:15 am

thank you for your input. i have done some reading about it and that has helped me to understand him better. he is a good man sometimes it is just so hard to not take his behavior personally. he has not completely embraced being aspie i think. so i feel a bit awkward bringing it up as the possible source of our problems.



AspieOtaku
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24 Jun 2013, 1:27 pm

myguyisasp wrote:
thank you for your input. i have done some reading about it and that has helped me to understand him better. he is a good man sometimes it is just so hard to not take his behavior personally. he has not completely embraced being aspie i think. so i feel a bit awkward bringing it up as the possible source of our problems.
Sometimes it takes a while for us to accept being an aspie for me even though i was diagnosed I denied it even though I subconsciously knew it when I read more online about the symptoms and watched many youtube videos out of curiosity it struck me more and more out of the similarities these other people have I eventually learned to accept it. I lurked onto wp for a couple months until I eventually joined, I was unsure at first, but I am glad I did. Now I am more open about it I am at peace with myself and I am fine with having it and am no longer ashamed or embarressed about having it.


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benh72
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24 Jun 2013, 10:05 pm

I can't speak for everyone else, but in my experience self identifying as an aspie, and awaiting formal diagnosis; the Asperger's explains the reason why we think, feel, and behave differently, but it doesn't take away our free will. It just means we don't react so quickly to non verbal cues, can sometimes not feel comfortable with physical intimacy - kissing, hugging or sex - if we are not in the right place mentally, and may not always automatically reciprocate with hugs, or even respond when we hear "I love you". It doesn't mean we don't love you, it means we say what we feel when we think it, and it doesn't feel authentic saying something like that parrot fashion as a response to hearing it from our loved ones.

Our brains are wired differently, and we don't always respond in the way a neurotypical would expect us to when they want to kiss, hug, say I love you, or want to be intimate in other ways including but not restricted to sex.
Most human behaviour is from the unconscious mind, yet for us to act in the away neurtypicals expect, and to reciprocate to their cues we have to make a conscious effort to do so, and it can be frustrating for both parties, as well as tiresome and embarrassing.
It can literally put me to sleep if I have to be social all day then have a conversation with my wife afterwards.

The only thing I can promise if it comes to loving an Aspie (assuming I'm typical), is that we are loyal, loving and compassionate, we just don't always show it or express our appreciation in a "normal" way.
You may need to accept that the different ways we show our love is just as valid as the traditional chocolates, flowers and bubbly, just we tend to be more practical and less "romantic".

For me, making a lovely surprise dinner, or planting a new flower in the garden, or doing some household chore that needs doing is expressing my love, as I like to show my appreciation in physically tangible and practical ways, and I think most Aspies are probably the same.
You wouldn't believe how relieved I was when my wife told me she hates cut flowers - they never made sense to me either, much better to grow a flower and have it in the garden, than to cut it from a plant and leave it in a vase to die!



myguyisasp
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25 Jun 2013, 12:01 am

hi ben
thanks for your response. i was good to read your comments. my boyfriend takes a nap after work everyday because he is exhausted.

he acts in the loving ways you describe, practical stuff. i need to recalibrate, I guess, he doesnt do the NT male behavior ( out to dinner, then they expect sex). which is actually good i am just completely not used to it and therefore easily misinterpret it.

I would really like to hear the words "i love you" but i am working on accepting it may never happen. its like learning a new language.

do you tell your wife you love her in words, do you say "i love you"?