It is so hard to find the one for you

Post Reply New Topic

Okay so I had an awful experience recently with a woman and I am still getting over it.

Basically I met this wonderful woman(at least I thought so at the time) on a dating site. We talked online for about two weeks. We made plans to meet and after, everything went downhill. Fast.

We met and lets just say it was a complete and utter disaster! We had only been together for about 30 minutes and she gets this call from her mother saying her brother had a seizure. So she had to leave and go to the hospital and I could not go with her understandably. Well it only got worse from there.

I went home and checked my email and there was this message that said she just did not feel a connection and would like to remain as internet buddies. Say what?! ! Thus started the crazy phone calls (about ten in a row)! This part was my fault really because I think I had become obsessed with the idea of being with this person. I definitely think at this point I scared her off. Before you say anything I realize this behavior will not sit well with any woman so I already know I should not have done this. sigh.

I think the main problem with my strong obsessive feelings was how she showered me with all these compliments that I was hot and we would be together and do all these things together. And then to turn around and pull this whole thing. I feel like someone punched me in the face! She kept asking for more pictures of me and every time it was like "You are soooo hot!". What just happened?! ! She went from hot to cold in a matter of days. I think she saw me in person and all her feelings left immediately because she did not feel "butterflies". She said this basically that she did not feel a spark/connection. Then it was basically that the situation with her brother made it ten times worse and that she was thinking about another guy she was with before and she did not want to try a "new" relationship. Plus she had zero self-esteem and basically hated herself. She was worried I would not like her. Oh brother! What have I gotten myself into here. This woman was a total mess!

Well I did not feel anything either but I thought it was because of the AS. But I honestly believe I really had no feelings for her in the end.

I just had to say something about this incident on here because maybe someone else has had a similar experience. At this point I am tired of love or infatuation or whatever the heck this was. Too much pain and suffering for my tastes. sigh. Will I ever find the woman of my dreams.

Was this phone call almost exactly 30 minutes since you met? If so, her brother did not have a seizure. And the rest of it was just her way of letting you down easy.

Chances are you looked fine on static photos but in person an NT senses the robotism/inhuman behavioral traits, and it freaks them out. By this age I learned to NT-pretend better and seem more humanlike.

But in my 20s I would dread the most routine unpredictable things happening, like I would walk down the road and don't have a watch, and I'd ask a nearby woman if she has the time, but I'd modulate my voice wrong and my facial expression would be "too enthusiastic" in an attempt to appear human, and she would look at me all freaked out.

Just take it as a learning experience and move on. She wasn't that into you, life goes on.

It's hard when you don't get many opportunities, but the more you're exposed the more you learn.

We talked for two weeks before meeting. I really do not think she made up the thing about her brother. What a horrible thing to do. That is like saying my father died to get someone to go away. That is actually a very sick thing to do.

You honestly do not know the whole situation. She was not a judgmental person.

I am not robotic in the least. Some of us are not odd in our mannersims. Plus I told her I had it and she said it did not bother her. Not every NT judges aspergers the way many people think.

Honestly I think you are wrong. You do not know enough about the situation or me. I am actually 33 and way past my twenties. And I am not trying to imitate a human because I am one myself. Sorry I thought that comment was extremely odd. I wasn't trying to act any way you said.

Some NTs actually like people with Apsergers by the way.

NT-like and more human-like. huh?! What are you talking about.

I look completely normal not sure why but I do. Saying that people with AS are inhuman is really strange.

And her lying about her brother. I do not think so. It did not happen exactly 30 minutes after meeting it was longer actually and she really seemed upset about it. When I questioned her she seemed to get weird though.

I think you need to think before you post ridiculous things life this. It is offensive to her and me.

Weather she told the truth about her brother or not is entirely irrelevant, the fact remains that she just isn't that into you and she said it herself..

I mean it as respectfully as possible, you can't just expect someone to reciprocate the attraction or feelings solely because you talk alot.. she may have other plans or other interests. It happens, man.

Hell, I've been talking to a woman for 3 months. We talk alot, we can talk for hours about anything, flirt, whatever. I like her alot, she probably doesn't like me. It's just the way it goes, some people don't see you in such a way.

Sometimes people who get along and seem to have hit it off or have chemistry via e-mails, phone-calls etc, find it all fall flats when they actually meet in person. And this goes for NTs too!

Personal chemistry where two people mutually feel interested, feel a connection quickly, in person face to face, is a really strange thing reliant all kinds of factors. It might not even have anything to do with your Asperger's, as this kind of "oops, not interested after all" things happens to NTs also. Everyone in the world has experienced this.

You could even be the most personable, charming, interesting and good looking person in the world, but if someone doesn't click with you and something isn't right for them, they won't want the second date. Seemingly "good catch" people get rejected by other good catch people, and reject other good catches themselves, all the time, based on subtle little things that for them are just missing.

A lot of that is a crying shame of course, as it also means that a lot of good people are getting overlooked unfairly, or just because someone didn't like the way they hold their dinner fork. But love and attraction and what floats someone's boat is a really mysterious thing for everyone, not just for those on the spectrum.

I know it sucks, but don't worry to much about this woman. Try to move on and remember that if she "wasn't feeling it" then she's not worth worrying about or calling or trying to resurrect the previous way you seemed to get along great before the actual meeting.

Anyone who isn't into you, even if it's a sudden change from when they seemed to be before, it's just best to let them go.

I think it makes more sense now that I think she honestly liked who she talked to and liked pictures of me. The problem is I completely thought this was a done deal. The problem I have as an aspie is that I take everything literally at times. Honestly I take flirting as interest and that happened with this person.

Now I realize I jumped to conclusions on this whole thing. So basically no one can connect to anyone if they have not met in person. I guess I learned that lesson the hard way. I just wish people could spell everything out for me.

I feel like I am running blind. I literally despise Aspergers for all the grief that it has given me. I want to see the good in it but I cannot see past the difficulties in feeling how other people feel.

I literally do not understand how others feel and barely ever really consider it. It feel that I only think of myself in most situations since that is all I can do. I don't "get" most people.

This is awful. This probably should go in the general asperger discussion or whatever its called. I cannot remember

But thanks everyone for trying to help. You did help me to realize the situation and know that I probably did not really do anything wrong and sometimes people think they feel a connection until they actually meet in person.

Now I know not to bank on one thing. I need to prepare for things to go wrong and learn how to roll with it better and not get so upset and twisted up over it. My emotions get completely out of control.

I honestly think its too bad since I do not base my interest on someone on one little tiny thing. I have more patience to let it happen slower. Honestly I do not understand seeing someone for less than an hour and you already know you do not want them. I think people should give it more time instead of cutting it off because one little tiny thing does not feel quite right.

It is extremely irritating and I think that it is because people are too judgmental or picky about one little thing like my legs did not walk the way they wanted or something goofy like that. My face looked a little off or something. Talk about being nitpicky.

Basically the jokes on you. Why try to talk to someone if it ends like this. I wish I could take back everything and undo the fact that I ever met this person.

Basically I saw her online and saw that she looked at my profile. I sent a message and all of a sudden I got this person interested in me. Later she said she had to pay for the three day trial since she was not paying and hence could not send a message to me. The site basically works so that free members cannot talk to paying members. She was definitely interested in me based on talking and all the pictures I sent.

I just do not really understand how all this works. Too much chance like winning the lottery or something. I guess you cannot put all your eggs in one basket as you will be dissapointed. Honestly it is good to know where I stand. I just do not understand NT style human behavior. It is just downright strange and foreign to me.

Seriously the way to get a woman is to show a little disinterest as to not come across like you actually want a relationship. That makes absolutely no sense to me at all. So no interest means interest. Sorry I just do not get it.

In trying to find love I have had a few women interested but none have been allistic. They had a learning disability menaing an IQ below 70 and I would have been thought of taking an advantage due to having allistic levels of cognitive abilities. I have fancied a few allistic girs during the early 1980s but one I saw who was about the same age very pretty but in my mind loose morals due to me seeing her with her child when she was about 14 or 15. Other than that it was the usual F.O i'm fed up not hard up so by 1986 I gave up on allistics since they also were not genuine friends even but would actually betray you at the 'drop of a hat'. The ones who would have been interested in were in the learning disability system or lived with their parents who would have thought I was taking advantage so I was in a no win situation which I had been in since July 1977. This is a situation which does not allow for socioemotional development to take place even with the lack of opportunity to make friends due to being surrounded by allistic people.

The last woman to take a liking for me had Down syndrome and like the most she did not have allistic levels of cognitive ability. I did find an AS woman who I liked a lot but she died of pneumonia in February 2011 aged 44 she was lovely and with such great inner beauty that you cannot find in an allistic woman. So have almost given up on that idea due the lack of opportunity that exists for me now.

I have to be honest, I'd find the very idea quite creepy. But maybe I'm not open minded enough.

In any case this has happened to me a few times. I think it caused me to subconsciously reject online dating, or at least, to be sure I never got any sense of being anything more than friends with someone online before I met them in real life.

Why is a down syndrome person "creepy". That is really the wrong word. I never understood people's use of the word creepy. As in a Creep? I guess that is why I said why is Down Syndrome or the idea of dating one creepy. It does not seem creepy in any way. You have to find the beauty. I honestly only get creeped out by drug dealers and criminal types. It might odd to date a down syndrome but not creepy.

Although this is just my opinion so maybe some people are not as open minded. But hey they need love to right?

nobody gets it, not even neurotypicals

punkguy378, please don't give up hope. When I described to you how some people can meet in person and just dismiss any interest based on one thing, I didn't intend to suggest that all people are like that, or that it is evenjust "one thing" like the way they hold their fork, lol. Although, yes some people are shallow enough to let one tiny and unimportant thing like that turn them off. But if you have one of those people in front of you, well, you wouldn't want to date someone that silly anyway.

But what I'm trying to say about what happens when people meet face to face is that there can be all kinds of biological impulses that govern whether or not we like someone as a friend or can like them as not just a friend but also a lover/potential girlfriend/boyfriend or even potential marriage partner.

Just for one example, research has even found that the mostly dismissed "pheromone" theory actually has a partial basis in reality! Apparently we do unconsciously/sub-consiously detect the genetic makeup of a person via almost unnoticeable body scents from their skin, and apparently if someone "smells" too similar to the person's own brother (sister) or parent of the opposite sex, that person can seem unattractive as a mate, and the turned-off person themselves may not even know why they don't want to be more than just friends. Crazy huh?! The underlying biology is something to do with close genetic relation and the imperative to seek out genes different from ours in order to produce the healthiest baby -- even that's not what's on our minds at all on a first date!

But that's just one example of the complicated things that go on in the brain and body when we are face to face with a live person who is potential mate material. And this is the same for anyone, spectrum or NT -- people react to each other on all levels, and if one of those levels fail to trigger something, that person often won't give things a chance.

On the other hand, sometimes they do -- and they discover that they get over that one initial "Nahh....." and do find the person interests them beyond friendship.

I agree with you that people shouldn't let one thing or one doubt put them off if it's a superficial thing.

Take heart though, that although there are superficial people in the world, there are also people who would get to know you better and for longer than just one date before deciding what they feel. There's a lot to be said for initial sparks, but paradoxically sometimes sparks come later on too.

Don't be put off trying again; there are lots more fish in the sea.

And, I wouldn't recommend doing that "fake disinterest" thing either -- that's a way some guys and gals do go about things, and sometimes it works, but personally I don't think it's healthy to base a relationship on pretending you don't care. The people who do that are playing games. Be yourself and show interest if you genuinely feel interest. If a girl is more interested in you because you're deliberately ignoring her and seeming like you're not interested in her, she's a bit screwed up in my opinion! Mature people who want a genuine connection shouldn't play those games.

I do think you're right to try to take it easy while things are still in the talking stages though. Even if someone flirts bigtime and makes it seem like meeting you in person won't change their attraction, stay calm, try to remember that kind of attraction is not the same as face-to-face encounters, and don't expect too much when the real-life meeting is about to happen.

For someone with normal cognitive abilities it is like dating a child really. It is one thing where you have once known someone before they were brain-damaged and you look after them. But if they have always been child-like in that way, and their comprehension of you and what you say is at such a different level... I dunno. It feels exploitative.