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Gracey
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27 Jun 2013, 5:24 am

i have mention in another post about my extreme highs and lows. but they have now gotten so bad that i have now found unhealthy ways to cope with my depression.

some days I really do feel so incredibly happy where people think I’m high on drugs. To the point where I can’t sleep for 30hrs because I am so happy. But this mood only lasts a short while. then after the racing thoughts and extreme highs my mood then comes crashing down. then after the highs comes the extreme deppression. to the point where sometimes i can only manage to get myself out of bed for just one meal a day, and even then i barely manage that. and on top of that i also have to cope with school.

but my mood gets even worse at night, because then i'm left to deal with my thoughts and there's no distractions. During these times, a certain thought plagues me. and that is the urge to cut. I only started 3 months ago, telling myself it would only be a few small cuts. But now I can’t stop. It is the only thing that effectively minimizes my internal pain. But now its getting so bad its hard to even hide it from my boyfriend. I’m almost 20 years old, and I am just so scared he will find out eventually. I don’t want to freak him out as he is already dealing with depression as well.

my doctor knows about my depression, and i have very briefly told her about my 'highs'. but she just put me on anti depressants. my doctor also knows that i have frequent thoughts on suicide. i don't want to kill myself, but i just can't stop thinking about it. i'm scared to tell the doctor about my cutting as well. because i don't want to be locked away.

what do i do!!?? i'm desperate and don't know if i should tell my doctor everything about my cutting too? will she lock me up if she found out? my depression at the moment isn't bad enough for me to want to act on my suicidal thoughts. but i just think about them. will she have me admitted to a hospital if she also knew about the cutting? should i tell her? :cry:



Last edited by Gracey on 27 Jun 2013, 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Laddo
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27 Jun 2013, 6:49 am

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

I would mention the cutting to your doctor as self harm is a mechanism for coping with depression. I've been there myself, and it's horrible. She should be able to help you with other methods of coping that don't harm you. She can't have you locked up for the cuts, though, so don't worry about that.

I hope you feel much better soon


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Bitoku
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27 Jun 2013, 11:00 am

I don't think your doctor will do anything too drastic about just cutting. I think it should be okay to tell them about it, and I'd recommend it.
Your symptoms sound like either borderline personality disorder or bipolar. Which one of the two is more likely will depend on whether the mood swings follow a fairly predictable time-based pattern (bipolar), or are more reactive (borderline). Either way, it's not something that will likely get better on its own, so I would recommend talking to a professional about it, either your doctor or a psychiatrist or psychologist if you can afford it.



the_grand_autismo
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27 Jun 2013, 1:55 pm

You should really explain to her your highs. It could be a sign of bipolar, which if so, antidepressants can sometimes make worse. If you are bipolar you need to be on different drugs to help you.

If you don't want to you don't have to explain your cutting, but I would recommend mentioning it if you trust your doctor because then she will know how badly you are doing. The only way they can "lock you up" against your will is if you are in danger of seriously hurting yourself (i.e. killing yourself or really maiming yourself) or another person. I have admitted my self-harm to doctors before and they have not sent me to the hospital over it.

I wish you luck and hope you can get help from the doctor, you sound like you are not in a good place! :(



Gracey
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30 Jun 2013, 6:33 am

but she already knows i have thoughts about suicide. would she lock me up if she also knew about the cutting? how would i tell her about my cutting and highs?



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30 Jun 2013, 7:33 am

Your doctor will not lock you up under any circumstance unless you reveal honest plans to seriously endanger your own life, or that of another. Cutting does not factor into wanting to endanger your life. Any smart doctor will recognize it as a coping method, not a suicide method, and try to give you resources and medication to help you with the problem, but if you keep it a secret I promise you as an ex-cutter on a ridiculous scale, it's only going to get worse and worse if you don't get help.

One thing I've learned about problems and depression, if you keep them a secret and bottled up they eat at you and only get worse, so, it's better to seek help, and a trusted doctor is the best source.


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30 Jun 2013, 9:21 am

Quote:
but my mood gets even worse at night, because then i'm left to deal with my thoughts and there's no distractions.


Have you tried reading in bed? I don't think I could get to sleep without a good book. Lying down in bed at night with nothing to distract me, I start seeing scary images in my head (flashback-type stuff). I also sleep with the light on for the same reason - makes it harder to imagine monsters coming after me.



Ettina
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30 Jun 2013, 9:25 am

Quote:
but she already knows i have thoughts about suicide. would she lock me up if she also knew about the cutting? how would i tell her about my cutting and highs?


If she already knows you're suicidal, telling her that you're cutting will not get you locked up.

As for how to tell her, describe it the same way you described it here. If you tell her something like 'sometimes I can't sleep for 30 hours because I am so happy' this will definitely get her attention.