why is my brother mad at me

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I(14 years old) am in the same room as my brother (15 years old) we are on vacation so we have to share a room. he is having a conversation with a girl around his age and i am not following the conversation but I noticed that they mentioned performance anxiety (I am in the same room so it is difficult not to notice what they are talking about. but i am trying not to listen) later I asked my brother if she actually had performance anxiety or if she was exaggerating ( a lot of teenage girls say they have anxiety when they dont have it and that can lead to anxiety not being taken seriously ) his response was not what i expected. he got angry and said shut the fu@k up you dont know her. I asked him why he got mad at me but he refused to answer. what did i do wrong

Of course I can't speak for your brother but I can venture to take a guess. I don't think you did anything wrong, I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just that your brother thought you were eavesdropping on his conversation. And if he liked this girl, he would probably be sensitive about that. Of course if you are in tight quarters you couldn't help it. If you and your brother are close he might tell you if you ask him why he snapped at you. You can always apologize to him first just to be humble and let him know that you did not mean to do anything wrong and maybe he will explain to you why he snapped at you. That has worked with me and my brothers. I am also younger than they are. But don't worry about it too much. I am sure it will all pass and every thing will be fine.

thank you for the reply. I told him that i said that because I dont want people to use words like anxiety if they dont have it and that many people use the word to much but he was still mad. maybe he misunderstood me or did not realy hear what i said

.[/quote] thank you for the reply. I told him that i said that because I dont want people to use words like anxiety if they dont have it and that many people use the word to much but he was still mad. maybe he misunderstood me or did not realy hear what i said[/quote]
You are very welcome.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Sometimes we get sensitive when people use words like anxiety because we have an actual syndrome that makes us have severe anxiety. But we have to remember that feelings like anxiety or other such feelings that we can feel very intensely and severely and even be diagnosed with, other people including those who are not in the Autism Spectrum feel them also and sometimes quite intensely. The difference is that they may not feel them as often or as intensely as some of us might but they certainly still do feel them. And especially if you have to perform for a group of people. I used to be a musician, well I still am, I just don't perform anymore and I will tell you there are very very few people who do not have some kind of anxiety before a performance especially if they are performing a solo or in a small group. So I think it its possible that your brother thought you were being harsh and not very understanding because if his friend was going to perform in front of a group I am pretty sure she was feeling very anxious about it. In all the years I have performed I have only met a very small handful of people who don't get at least a little anxious. Even some big stars get anxious for performances sometimes.

But just like we want for people to be sensitive to us and how we can struggle, we have to remember that everyone has the same struggles and feelings we have but perhaps just a much lesser degree or in a different way. It's amazing when you are able to really get to know people you realize that we are all pretty similar to each other in how we feel. It's just that some of us perceive and interpret these feelings differently or to different degrees but NT's still feel anxious and sometimes very much so.

But maybe this would be a great conversation to have with your brother if he is open to it, to be able to share how you interpret feelings differently and how in ways you may feel them the same. I think it would be very bonding if you are ready for this kind of talk. I have had talks like this with my brothers and I have always found that they have been so helpful and we have become so much more supportive of one another because of them. So I think that you can make a great positive experience with this and really use it to start some great talks with your brother so that you can get to know each other better and become better friends. It will take some time and lots of patience and you will really have to listen to each other but you can do it. If I can do it I know you can and it is so worth it. Keep us posted on how it goes. But if you can be patient and really take the time it will go well. I really believe that.

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Chloe 33 you seem to be having an issue with the thread. I am not a mod but I have not had any problem with it at all. Perhaps it is something with your computer? I have a very strong security system on my computer so maybe I am blocking something that is coming through on the thread because I have not noticed anything unusual at all with it.

"we have to remember that everyone has the same struggles and feelings we have."

i never said that she doesnt have those struggles and feelings. all i did was ask if she was exaggerating.( because many people tend to exaggerate to get attention or for other reasons) i never said that she did exaggerate because i did not know if she was. is that rude

"Keep us posted on how it goes." he doesnt seem angry anymore so i do not know if i should bring it up. we never have meaningful conversations and i do not think this would be any different.

He got mad because they were about something personal. People don't like others bringing their personal stuff, it's embarrassing for them and them feel vulnerable.

I was reading some posts on this thread, and let me say NT's often have a lot of anxiety. I'm NT and I have an anxiety disorder. Just because people have a lot of anxiety doesn't mean they are AS.

BTW, I'm pretty sure your brother and his girlfriend were talking about sex, but if they were talking about stage fright then her anxiety is probably bad. 40% of people suffer from some degree of stage fright. It's the most common social fear among people.

It's about sex that's why he got mad.

Whew. I wasn't the only one who thought that! It's hard to tell without hearing the conversation, but it crossed my mind that "performance anxiety" could have been an excuse she gave him for not wanting to have sex -- as in, "I don't know you well enough yet, and I get performance anxiety because I don't really know what I'm doing." In which case, his frustration, being taken out on you in the form of anger, would make sense. And even if that didn't seem to be the apparent conversation, they may have been speaking in code due to you being in the room. Probably best if you just don't bring it up again.

Just a thought, but are you sure it was his girlfriend who had the performance anxiety? its usually the boy who gets that when it comes to sex. And if he had something like that, the last thing he wants is someone else knowing about it - even his brother.

Or it could just be that you were listening to a private conversation about her anxiety, and he was angry at you for trying to get involved. Sex is a very personal and emotional subject - especially for NT's so you have to tread carefully when talking to someone about their own sex life.

Generally speaking its best to simply not say anything and not get involved. For an Aspie who doesn't understand the norms, it is a dangerous minefield to walk through.

Oh, okay. I don't think you were rude. If you had asked me if she was exaggerating I don't think I would have perceived it as rude. But maybe he might have perceived it that way. Sometimes I say things that by definition are not technically rude but because I don't always know how other people perceive it it comes off rude to them. I have had that happen several times and fortunately the people I was talking to were able to teach me that to them and to many NT's what I said would be considered rude. It's so hard to tell though because rudeness can be defined differently by so many people. That is what makes it hard for me sometimes. So I always try to gently remind my loved ones that I don't always understand what they consider rude and ask that if I accidentally say something that they understand and believe that my intentions are not to be mean and that they, in turn, gently and lovingly teach me so that I can learn not to offend them. It can be hard but I try to learn and I think that some of them try to learn how to be sensitive to me too.

I am glad he does not seem angry anymore. That is good. I would just let it go then and not bring it up if he seems to have gotten over it.

Hopefully as you two get older your conversations can become more meaningful and deeper and you can get closer. It took me a little while to get close to one of my brothers. It wasn't until we were in college that we started to have really good conversations. We used to bicker and fight all the time but once he went away to college and moved out of the house it changed our relationship. It's nice to be friends with him. I hope that you and your brother will become closer too. Don't give up on the possibility of that happening. But for now I would just let this incident be done and not worry about it.

LOL! I laugh because I've learned that the hard way. I have a tendency to bring up personal stuff to people or ask stuff other people might consider very personal and not even realize that it's hard for them because I don't always realize it's that personal. I don't mean to embarrass them or make them uncomfortable, I just don't always know that it will so sometimes I just blurt things out like that. But it makes me laugh because I can totally relate.

Last edited by skibum on 20 Jul 2013, 8:33 am, edited 1 time in total.