Page 2 of 3 [ 41 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

nutbag
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,039
Location: Arizona

30 Jan 2007, 9:52 pm

a small town in Arkansas?

Ahh but seriously fffloks. . .

And aide tells Bush that the Iranians have developed a nuclear device
Bush asks: "They have a nukyouler bomb?"
Aide says, no sir, that's nuclear
Bush says: "OMG! They have wunna those too?!"



nickdujunco
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 70

31 Jan 2007, 5:07 am

a guy walks out from the hospital, very proud after his testicle implant. he sees a kid:

g: hey kid, your balls plus mine is equal to five.
k: really? you got three balls!! !
g: yeah...

next he sees a chinese guy:

g: dude. your balls plus mine is five.
c: really... that's amazing!! !

later he sees a pilipino dude:

g: hey, your balls plus mine is equal to five.
p: omg!! ! you got one ball? what the heck happened???


_________________
beer is the path to the dark side, beer leads to drunkeness, drunkeness to beer tacos, beer tacos to dirty women. once you get a dirty woman on your jock forever will she dominate your destiny!! ! -yoda on one of his beer trips


nickdujunco
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 70

05 Feb 2007, 6:53 am

four catholic moms were bragging about their sons:

mom 1: my son is a priest, and everyone calls him father.
mom 2: my son is a bishop and everyone calls him your grace.
mom 3: my son is a cardinal, and everyone calls him your emminence.
mom 4: well... (sips her coffee) my son is a 7'2" well built male model, and everytime he walks into any place all the girls scream "OH MY GOD!! !! !" 8O


_________________
beer is the path to the dark side, beer leads to drunkeness, drunkeness to beer tacos, beer tacos to dirty women. once you get a dirty woman on your jock forever will she dominate your destiny!! ! -yoda on one of his beer trips


Mrs_Bates
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 22

05 Feb 2007, 1:58 pm

In the forest there lived a rabbit and a bear and they disliked each other. One day they were walking along and found an old lamp. They both grabbed it up, at the same time and a Genie appeared out of the lamp.The Genie told them since both of them had found the lamp, they would be granted three wishes each.
The bear wanted his wish first and said, "I wish that I was the only male bear in the forest and the rest of the bears were females."
Then, poof! He got his wish.
Then it was the rabbit's turn. "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet." He said.Then he got his wish.
It was the bear's turn again. He said, "I wish that I was the only male bear in the country, and all the rest were female." He then got his wish.
For the rabbit's second wish, he said, "You know, I wish I had a motorcycle to go along with this helment." Then the rabbit got his wish.
It was the bear's last wish. He said, "I wish that I was the only male bear in the whole wide world and every other bear was female!" And he got his wish.
For the rabbit's last wish he said,"I wish that bear was gay."



nickdujunco
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 70

07 Feb 2007, 7:32 pm

a ceo, his president and vice president was in a limo. the ceo just came from a trip in arabia and bought an old lamp as a souvenir. when he rubbed it a genie came out but he was confused who rubbed first since all three hands was on the lamp. so the genie says ok i'll grant you a wish each.

vp: i want to go to the bahamas!! ! (poof he was in the bahamas)
p: i want to go to boracay!! ! (poof he was off to boracay)
ceo: i want those two idiots to be back here by lunch time. :lol:



MrMark
Abstract Data Type
Abstract Data Type

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2006
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,291
Location: Tallahassee, FL

07 Feb 2007, 9:02 pm

Rumsfield walks into the oval office.

"Mr. President, I have bad news. Three Brazilion soilders were killed in Iraq last night."

The President hangs his head and says, "Awful, this is just awfill."

"Mr. President, I don't understand! We've lost people before, but I've never seen you this upset."

The President raised his head and said, "Don, ..."

"How many is a brazilon?"


_________________
"The cordial quality of pear or plum
Rises as gladly in the single tree
As in the whole orchards resonant with bees."
- Emerson


nutbag
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,039
Location: Arizona

08 Feb 2007, 1:12 am

You know that you are talking with an extroverted engineer if he stares at your shoes, not his own.


The physics student does not have his homework.
Instructor asks what happened to it.
Student answers that last night he measured its momentum with such accuracy that it could be anywhere in the universe now.

:D



nickdujunco
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 70

08 Feb 2007, 4:00 am

how do you greet a blind person?

simple: dude!! ! long time no see. :lol:

hope he doesn't kill you though :D


_________________
beer is the path to the dark side, beer leads to drunkeness, drunkeness to beer tacos, beer tacos to dirty women. once you get a dirty woman on your jock forever will she dominate your destiny!! ! -yoda on one of his beer trips


ammerique
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 46

11 Feb 2007, 8:16 am

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, combining the result of many independent health studies, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans


Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


_________________
As our lady of Disco, the divine Miss Gloria Gaynor has always sung to us: We will survive!


nickdujunco
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 70

12 Feb 2007, 12:54 am

ammerique wrote:
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, combining the result of many independent health studies, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

- The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans

- Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadian, British, Australians or Americans


Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


well... that figures. :lol:


_________________
beer is the path to the dark side, beer leads to drunkeness, drunkeness to beer tacos, beer tacos to dirty women. once you get a dirty woman on your jock forever will she dominate your destiny!! ! -yoda on one of his beer trips


Juggernaut
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Oct 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 786

12 Feb 2007, 10:09 am

Two guys walk into a bar. But the third guy ducks. (thereby preventing a bruise)

A sandwich walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer". The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here".

A guy goes to a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He is the only person in the bar other than the bartender. He is drinking and hears someone say, "hey, nice shirt". He looks around and the bartender is facing the other way, so he figures he imagined it. He goes back to drinking and hears a voice say, "hey, I like your pants". The man is a little bit confused again but goes back to drinking. Then he hears the voice say, "I like your haircut". So finally the man asks the bartender,
"hey did you say something?".
The bartender says "no, why?".
"well," says the man, " I heard a voice tell me I had a nice shirt, then it said it liked my pants, and just now the voice said I like your haircut".
"Oh," said the bartender. "That must be the peanuts. They're complimentary".



Hoorahville
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2007
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 236

12 Feb 2007, 10:38 am

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "how about a budweiser?" Descartes replies "I think not," then disappears.



kindofbluenote
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 229
Location: Oort Cloud

12 Feb 2007, 10:46 am

A zen Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything".


_________________
O Wonder! How many goodly creatures there are here! How beauteous mankind is!


MrMark
Abstract Data Type
Abstract Data Type

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2006
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,291
Location: Tallahassee, FL

12 Feb 2007, 10:54 am

kindofbluenote wrote:
A zen Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything".

He hands the hot dog vendor a $20 and the vendor pockets it. He says, "Hey, where's my change?" and the vendor says, "Change must come from within."


_________________
"The cordial quality of pear or plum
Rises as gladly in the single tree
As in the whole orchards resonant with bees."
- Emerson


kindofbluenote
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 22 Jan 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 229
Location: Oort Cloud

12 Feb 2007, 11:13 am

MrMark wrote:
kindofbluenote wrote:
A zen Buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything".

He hands the hot dog vendor a $20 and the vendor pockets it. He says, "Hey, where's my change?" and the vendor says, "Change must come from within."


I actually got to use a variant of that joke in real life. When at my therapist I have to pay the co-payment. I handed him the money, and he asked me if I needed change. I told him "that's why I'm here..."


_________________
O Wonder! How many goodly creatures there are here! How beauteous mankind is!