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Athika
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24 Jul 2013, 7:51 am

Hey Ladies,

I work in a company for 5 years and I really love my job but there is one girl in my age (I´m 35 and she is 33) and she is bullying me because I´m very focused on my work and I´m not socialising like she is doing. I tried to avoid her because she is very gossip and manipulative. She is very communicative and started getting closer to my friends. I´ve lost them all because she started labeling my behavior as paranoid. Yes, I´m aloof. And her boyfriend is very popular.
It hurts a lot that she is teasing me every day but based on this situation I went to a counseling service and it turned out that I have AS. 1 month later I got my official diagnose but there is still this girl and she is constantly laughing at me, makes weird noises if I see her on the floor. She is now even a friend with my boss.
Her boyfriend was looking at me several times and she is jealous but I have no interest in him and I guess that´s more a problem between both but she is projecting her rage on me instead of talking with him about this issue.
I´ve created a presentation for my team about "autism awareness" and the HR department want me to hold this presentation in the company in 6 weeks. I cant even talk in front of my own team (15 people) and now I should hold the presentation in front of 500!?!?! If I don`t do that, she will never stop bullying me but I´m afraid of talking in front of so many people and they are all my colleagues and my english is not really good. Especially if I´m nervous.
HR can´t help me with this bullying because she is never doing something direct to me. Her behavior is very mocking and she is spreading assumptions based on my avoiding behavior. I´m at work and can´t walk away, so I have to deal with that, but I don´t know how. :(

Has anyone here similar experiences and/ or tipps for me in this situation?



wildcoyotedancer
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24 Jul 2013, 10:12 am

I wish I could help. It has happened to me before. You are handling it a lot better than I ever did. I am so sorry it's happening to you.


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Lucywlf
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24 Jul 2013, 1:36 pm

I suggest finding as much support as you can get when you do this. Having people on your side makes a huge difference. You might want to talk things over with autism support groups or even your local ACLU (NOT to start a lawsuit--avoid that if at all possible) for advice.



Last edited by Lucywlf on 24 Jul 2013, 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

smudge
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24 Jul 2013, 1:59 pm

It really sucks to be in the firing line of a jealous woman, which sounds to me more the problem than your AS.

Avoid her boyfriend.

Let everyone else know somehow through rumour that she is blatently jealous of you. Publicly shame her about it (without blaming too much), then at least her behaviour towards you should be more subtle in future. It will make her look less credible about the accusations she makes against you and she'll have no choice but to step back.

I did that with a girl at school who was very jealous of me. In the end she pretended to be friends with me and although she still hated me and still made digs - they weren't nearly so bad as they were, and she stopped trying to turn everyone against me.



MjrMajorMajor
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24 Jul 2013, 3:16 pm

The autism awareness presentation sounds like quite a challenge, but it could be very beneficial to you personally and professionally.

I don't think this will have much effect with the woman you're having issues with. The two options I can see are to "make nice" with her(the occasional polite and superficial comment tossed her way), or a casual confrontation in front of others if something is said in earshot.(I'm sorry, is there a problem?) Mastering office politics is way beyond me, but you might be able to curb some of the hostility.

If it helps, most people I have had issues with end up getting fired for unrelated issues in my experience.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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24 Jul 2013, 3:53 pm

Hi, I'm a guy, but I saw your post on the main board earlier today and hope you don't mind me responding.

Spreading assumptions about you to others and making weird noises when she sees you should be direct enough, but depending on the particular HR staff, it may not be. If you decide it is a good strategic move to talk with someone who is in a position of authority within the company, whether in HR or elsewhere, one good way is " . . the situation is beginning to be a problem . . " This is a fib, but it's a face-saving fib. It gives the person a chance to catch up on the facts and also to do something about the situation. That is, you are understating the case, at first, and giving the person a chance to correct the situation.

It's also kind of a power move on your part, flashing an ace but not yet playing it.



Athika
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25 Jul 2013, 3:25 pm

Hey,

thank you all for answering me. This situation occurred for 1 1/2 year now. I had 2 meetings with HR and my boss about that. They can´t do anything because she is not writing something in the chat. They need some facts and I guess that nobody will open his mouth at HR if I give them the names from my colleagues she was talking about me. Video Cameras are not allowed in my company. Everyone is telling me that I should be friends with her but that´s impossible. I can´t play that. :roll:

I have no time for that. I´m studying full time and work full time + my hobbies and now I have to solve her problems. I have no problem with her, I just want to sit at work and work! Hopefully the presentation will change something.

Thank´s everyone here for advices! I have got some ideas how to handle that. :P Wish me good luck.



bluelilagreen
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30 Dec 2013, 8:57 am

Hi Athika, some NT women, not all, but some, are very competitive. They fight with every woman around them, and even if they have female "friends", their friendships are competition too. The only way is to avoid them completely. Cut the relationship, try to avoid her as much as possible. It is not shame, unkindness, and so on, it is matter of your emotional survival. She will probably try to make you her "friend", or she will be more gossip, but you must endure. Do your job, stick to your hobbies, and be tough! Later you learn how to detect this kind of NT women, and how to avoid them more easily. (My personal remark: this kind of NT women play lots of games and manipulate. Aspie women usually do not do that, and that is what make them angry. They try to engage us in their games. However, in their games, they win and we loose. Not playing the game is better than loosing.)



Dutchy
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31 Dec 2013, 11:56 am

What is she, back to school again or something? If she's 33, and she's doing this childish kind of behavior, than there is something seriously wrong with her. It really says more about her, than about you. If i were you, i should pity her, because this is way more severe than AS! This is probably a woman who's really really really insecure about herself. And maybe you are the mirror that she can't look in to. Maybe you let her see things, she rejected in her self. Maybe she's bullied too some time in her life, and she has now the feeling she has 'the power' or something. The power to overrule others or project her own fears on others. People who bully other people are in fact very weak. Because, if you where strong and feel good about yourself, you don't need to bully.

Now i have my experience in being bullied, and what i learned over the years is that people who feel the urge to bully others are in fact very broken. Most of the time it's anger or sadness what's lying underneath al that bully-mask. Maybe she is just really looking for a friend. Someone who will listen to her, and not be scared over her insecurity and her bullying behavior. Because it is a mask. Same with the jealousy. Jealousy is pure fear, which comes from insecurity. Fear of people leaving you, or people won't like you. Fear of standing alone, and not have friends or support. Someone who is not strong enough to be standing on their own, has probably never learn to lean on their own strength within. She's probably hurt very bad.

I'm not saying you should be friends with her. The face of bully is very ugly! Probably the way she feels about herself.
Just be friendly to her at work. Just stand above all her tricks to get attention. People who bully are actually so damaged that all they need is just love. And i mean the unconditionally love. Unconditionally love will not say that you approve her behavior. You don't have to put up with that. It means you just see her weakness, and forgive her for that. I know it's not easy, but negative people can't compete with people who stay positive all the time. Eventually, they have to break. And they will break, because they're weak. See it as a challenge. The more she bullies, the more love you gonna feel for her. Train it in yourself. You don't have to do a lot actually. Just smile, and think: aaahw. Let her see how strong you are, and that she's not achieving anything with negativity.

Now i can understand that you don't like all this, and you don't want to handle this. Because it's true, it's not your problem. She is the one with the problems. You didn't ask for all this. And you probably have enough on your own in your life. But these things happen. If your boss won't listen to you, or don't want to do something about it, than so be it. You can do this. Even if she never cooperate in your positive attitude towards her, you can make the difference. Because you don't need others to change something. You have enough power to change the energy on your own. The key is consistency. Just don't let her get to you. Because she is weak, and you are strong. I know this all sounds cliche, but it's true! Good luck! I hope despite everything, you still can enjoy your work! I wish i had a great job and do something i'm good at every day :wink:


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If you got rid of all the autism genetics, you wouldn't have science or art. All you would have is a bunch of social 'yak yaks.' - Temple Grandin


Dutchy
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31 Dec 2013, 12:15 pm

Saw this picture by coincidence :wink:

Image


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If you got rid of all the autism genetics, you wouldn't have science or art. All you would have is a bunch of social 'yak yaks.' - Temple Grandin