From three years stuck in his house to having loads of sex?!

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Mootoo
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25 Jul 2013, 9:24 am

This is the backstory for how this guy met me, just after apparently spending three years in his house because of having no friends (and all the other difficulties associated with AS). Then, of course, he has me for six months...

Suddenly he goes on a full-time course called the Team Programme by the Prince's Trust and he meets loads of other people... as I understand it they put participants in situations where they must inevitably interact. He even goes living with them in Wales for a week... with some girl, apparently, somehow ending up giving him a massage. I mean, even that... how could an aspie that's ended up alone for at least three years get a massage?!

But the incredible thing is that, apparently, after getting to know (who I think is the same) girl and another guy more (he was even invited to a birthday party once... and later decided to camp together?!) - he accomplished the baffling feat of having sex with them. Two people (he's bisexual), with the guy, apparently, many times.

Mystery, honestly, pervades my mind more than envy... I mean, I spent a whole year in a hostel full of people my age, and although they didn't have a full-time course they frequently organized activities where those who want went to... I frequently did, but rarely interacted with anyone and after a year barely made any acquaintances and no friends that I'd still talk to (although, ironically, as I mentioned in a past post I ended up befriending someone only after I had left the hostel... which, in turn, made it physically difficult for me to interact with them). To say the least, of course, I didn't make friends with their beds, either (although I always thought it was a complex situation, as I'm gay... some girls approached me at one point and so if I was attracted to them I don't know if I could have ended up in such a situation).

But seriously, anyone has an explanation on how on Earth this guy managed to go from being supposedly suicidally lonely to having friends and sex with
two people... from each gender?



Charis
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25 Jul 2013, 9:30 am

My first thoughts are the words "discovery" and "novelty."


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xarrid
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25 Jul 2013, 9:40 am

He was comfortable with the people he met.

I can somewhat use myself as a small example, I do not like to be touched. If someone came up and touched me on the arm I would flip out. However, if I was offered a massage by a stranger and I felt safe I would actually enjoy it. This has happened and I enjoy a good massage from time to time, and if they add any sensuality into the massage it makes someone like myself more comfortable.

Now lets take this to the relationship side, lets say I felt really comfortable and safe with the woman who gave me the massage. Very likely I could see myself growing an attachment to that person, because she's safe right... then she introduces me to another friend, he makes me feel safe too. From there I can't go any further as I'm not bi-sexual and I can't fathom that leap no matter how hard I try. Sorry.



Mootoo
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25 Jul 2013, 9:43 am

Yes, well, I just happened to have never been in the situation where I was offered a massage. He couldn't make friends for 23 years of his life but he suddenly got a massage. It is somewhat of a mystery, isn't it?



wildcoyotedancer
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25 Jul 2013, 10:21 am

OP said 3 years not 23 years. I can speak to this a bit as I am on the sexually open and unconventional end of the Aspie spectrum. Also depending on where I have lived and the if I feel comfortable and connected by interests, way of thinking to people there I can make friends and date etc but if I am somewhere like where I live now where people are superficially nice but I feel no connection or there is nothing related to any of special interests nearby then I can become even more aloof and withdrawn.

I also go through periods of celebacy that can last years to a brief period of having lots of sex to maybe a relationship with someone or maybe another period of celebacy depending.

I don't like being touched by strangers or people I am upset with or light touch when I am overwhelmed or stressed or on the verge of a meltdown then I only like deep pressure type touch from someone I'm close to.

It's a myth that all people on the spectrum don't like to be touched ever. Some people are even tactile sensory seeking or hypo sensitive to touch. When I talk to some well meaning NTs I know this is a number one myth.

Also there is the issue here that most of us on the spectrum have varyin levels of skills in the area of theory of mind so sometimes we assume that everybody is like us even houh intellectually most of us know we are not all alike. Just like no 2 NTs are the same, no 2 people with Aspergers are the same.

I think it's plausible your friend felt comfortable with this couple, they were all horny and two hey had sex.


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neilson_wheels
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25 Jul 2013, 10:32 am

If you stay in your house for 3 years it would be pretty hard to get random massages and sex. Waiting for the guy to come and read the electric meter does not have a high success rate. :lol:

Really, sounds like he met some swingers, was probably more down to them not him.



adifferentname
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25 Jul 2013, 10:48 am

Mootoo wrote:
This is the backstory for how this guy met me, just after apparently spending three years in his house because of having no friends (and all the other difficulties associated with AS). Then, of course, he has me for six months...

Suddenly he goes on a full-time course called the Team Programme by the Prince's Trust and he meets loads of other people... as I understand it they put participants in situations where they must inevitably interact. He even goes living with them in Wales for a week... with some girl, apparently, somehow ending up giving him a massage. I mean, even that... how could an aspie that's ended up alone for at least three years get a massage?!

But the incredible thing is that, apparently, after getting to know (who I think is the same) girl and another guy more (he was even invited to a birthday party once... and later decided to camp together?!) - he accomplished the baffling feat of having sex with them. Two people (he's bisexual), with the guy, apparently, many times.

Mystery, honestly, pervades my mind more than envy... I mean, I spent a whole year in a hostel full of people my age, and although they didn't have a full-time course they frequently organized activities where those who want went to... I frequently did, but rarely interacted with anyone and after a year barely made any acquaintances and no friends that I'd still talk to (although, ironically, as I mentioned in a past post I ended up befriending someone only after I had left the hostel... which, in turn, made it physically difficult for me to interact with them). To say the least, of course, I didn't make friends with their beds, either (although I always thought it was a complex situation, as I'm gay... some girls approached me at one point and so if I was attracted to them I don't know if I could have ended up in such a situation).

But seriously, anyone has an explanation on how on Earth this guy managed to go from being supposedly suicidally lonely to having friends and sex with
two people... from each gender?


Having read the other post, my first suggestion to you is that you really need to try to stop concerning yourself with this guy's life - and indeed his love life. Perhaps the time you spent together has made him more confident and less anxious about himself to the extent that he now feels comfortable expressing himself sexually. You should try to regard that as a positive - and perhaps learn from it yourself.

As pointed out above, it's less of a mystery when you place yourself in a position to encounter such situations. It sounds like he's making a real attempt to get out there and see what life has to offer. When you take that approach to life, opportunities arise that otherwise will not.



daydreamer84
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25 Jul 2013, 11:29 am

:lol: luck?



xarrid
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25 Jul 2013, 11:47 am

Mootoo wrote:
Yes, well, I just happened to have never been in the situation where I was offered a massage. He couldn't make friends for 23 years of his life but he suddenly got a massage. It is somewhat of a mystery, isn't it?


I'm sorry I do not see the mystery here, as others stated below ... you put yourself out there even a little bit and things can just happen.



Mootoo
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29 Jul 2013, 7:59 am

adifferentname: I thought I wouldn't respond to your post for a while, since anything I'd say would be argumentative (and I can't argue against the very premise, as it's basically correct, but...) - I just wanted to say that NO, not everyone can simply 'put themselves out there'! This guy himself keeps telling me that... uh, if I simply go outside I could possibly land myself a few friends. Just like playing the lottery might make one win it, I guess?

Just no. Even for him to say that is hypocritical, as he was referred to this full-time course where he gets to inevitably interact with people. I simply was never referred to it! And that by itself makes me really frustrated, as it fits perfectly within the summer (and I lived two minutes away from where it was usually held before I recently moved! FFFUUU)... and it being full-time would have meant that if I was on it for even one summer I wouldn't have spent at least a single summer all alone. BUT NO, NO ONE CARED TO REFER ME! (And FYI I tried emailing them a day before it began but they never replied... so I have tried myself somewhat as well, although before then I had never heard of it). As mentioned, they even lived together for a week. Now what on Earth can I do to otherwise interact with a bunch of people so much like that?

I honestly hate this argument because it's not true. It is, in a way, like saying depressed people can simply stop being depressed if they tried... now I'm depressed because of circumstances, but how can circumstances change? Can I simply go on the busiest street in a town and declare that I'm putting myself forward, like you say? Do things work like that in society? No, they don't! And even if I didn't have the corresponding anxiety, what can I realistically do?

What people don't understand is that what they mostly have as a constant is their family - that's everyone's sole platform, and it's so inherently fragile (although, sure, if you're born into a stably sane family you're probably good to go for life - but it's just a matter of randomness). So, I've no family, friends are hard to come by... and how exactly does society afford me a way to "place [myself] in a position to encounter such situations"?! It's frustrating because it's practically impossible!

Although, by all means, if anyone is able to tell me how I can, at this present moment, during this summer, of *any* way I can have a similar 'full-time' opportunity to not be lonely... by all means, I'd be grateful, but at any rate, even if I tried to apply for the next course that this guy was on it's in Sept... so, I really have no idea what else I can do at this exact point to avert all this unbearable heat and loneliness. I just wish the topical person (and anyone else who espouses this argument like 'adifferentname') would have some kind of empathy and understand that just because they feel not at all lonely due to (in this person's case, this course) doesn't mean I can just magically 'put' myself forward in something similar, because if he wasn't referred to this course he would be in the exact same situation!