It's like speaking a foreign language

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Annaliina
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25 Jul 2013, 1:49 pm

So, this is just my experience of it, but I wanted to see if anyone here can relate to this. Officially, I took the Autism test and got scored as severely autistic, but my doctor said that if I was that autistic, I wouldn'tve been able to walk through the door, and I'd need a handler. My IQ was also on both end of the scales; she said it was a fluke. .______.

She, instead, diagnosed me with a thought disorder and I got sent to the hospital. My doctor there specializes in that disorder and was like, ''yeah, no''.

So here I am, no anxiety to speak of, only overloaded by my sense, but diagnosed as anxious.

I disgressed.

I apologize, I am very upset with the doctors.

Anyways,

it's like, for example, I speak Swedish, and most of the rest of the population speaks English. Now, I speak English. I am very fluid in English; I've studied it intensely. I understand everything spoken in English, but it's not my mother tongue. The way I talk, the way I feel the world, is different. I have words in my language that English speakers can't even understand. Some words don't translate, and others translate only loosely. I speak with vibrancy and brilliance and depth, feeling the physical sensation of the words; the textures brushing my tongue. Yet, this is lost. The beauty, the range, and spectrum, of what my thoughts, the physical capability of my soul, is lost to those who don't comprehend it.

I begged, I pleaded, ''Don't take me by my outside. Please, my way of interacting with the world is written words.'' I kicked and screamed inside my head, desperate to communicate that no, they don't understand. My way of being could hold meaning in English, in this foreign language, but no, that's not right. No, that's not right. It's not about your way of perceiving the world, you're not the one hurt, you're not the one lost and drowned in self-hatred for being unable to handle certain things.

I don't mean to do it.
I don't purposefully make things not line up. I don't ask endless questions to annoy, or because I have an anxious mind. I need to understand.

For so long I've studied their language.

But I've fallen apart having to.
My brain is overwhelmed, Dios Mio, with need to speak my mother tongue.

I've been on foreign exchange, I've felt this. I've physically felt the pain of speaking another tongue, when my head is going in the other direction.



So, uhm. Ya.

I.. hate myself for being another ''omg I lyke hav assburgers'', but I... it's the only explanation I've got. Unless I'm just psychotic with sensory issues. u_____u But my doctors said I have clarity.

So I don't know. Please let me know if what I said sounds right; if it resonates with you.

Thanks guys.



Jonov
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25 Jul 2013, 3:08 pm

Annaliina wrote:
So, this is just my experience of it, but I wanted to see if anyone here can relate to this. Officially, I took the Autism test and got scored as severely autistic, but my doctor said that if I was that autistic, I wouldn'tve been able to walk through the door, and I'd need a handler. My IQ was also on both end of the scales; she said it was a fluke. .______.

She, instead, diagnosed me with a thought disorder and I got sent to the hospital. My doctor there specializes in that disorder and was like, ''yeah, no''.

So here I am, no anxiety to speak of, only overloaded by my sense, but diagnosed as anxious.

I disgressed.

I apologize, I am very upset with the doctors.

Anyways,

it's like, for example, I speak Swedish, and most of the rest of the population speaks English. Now, I speak English. I am very fluid in English; I've studied it intensely. I understand everything spoken in English, but it's not my mother tongue. The way I talk, the way I feel the world, is different. I have words in my language that English speakers can't even understand. Some words don't translate, and others translate only loosely. I speak with vibrancy and brilliance and depth, feeling the physical sensation of the words; the textures brushing my tongue. Yet, this is lost. The beauty, the range, and spectrum, of what my thoughts, the physical capability of my soul, is lost to those who don't comprehend it.

I begged, I pleaded, ''Don't take me by my outside. Please, my way of interacting with the world is written words.'' I kicked and screamed inside my head, desperate to communicate that no, they don't understand. My way of being could hold meaning in English, in this foreign language, but no, that's not right. No, that's not right. It's not about your way of perceiving the world, you're not the one hurt, you're not the one lost and drowned in self-hatred for being unable to handle certain things.

I don't mean to do it.
I don't purposefully make things not line up. I don't ask endless questions to annoy, or because I have an anxious mind. I need to understand.

For so long I've studied their language.

But I've fallen apart having to.
My brain is overwhelmed, Dios Mio, with need to speak my mother tongue.

I've been on foreign exchange, I've felt this. I've physically felt the pain of speaking another tongue, when my head is going in the other direction.



So, uhm. Ya.

I.. hate myself for being another ''omg I lyke hav assburgers'', but I... it's the only explanation I've got. Unless I'm just psychotic with sensory issues. u_____u But my doctors said I have clarity.

So I don't know. Please let me know if what I said sounds right; if it resonates with you.

Thanks guys.


What I get from this is you are trying to say that in your own mind you can function just as well as anyone, but by being forced into the role of an average person you seem as if you lack this capacity, and because people are unable to comprehend what it is like to think like you, they deem you as a lesser functioning being in that sense.

The overload to your senses causes you to be unable to function at the level that society desires you to function at, but by adjusting your surroundings to your specific needs you would become more functional, but you feel you are not given the chance to prove that.

Your doctors tell you that you should act in a certain way that they deem the right way, but no matter how hard you try you cannot live up to these expectations and they do not feel natural to you.

I hope I got you correct, but if that is not the case let me know.



Annaliina
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25 Jul 2013, 4:06 pm

Its so challenging to explain. x___x Sorry if I seem dumb.

It's actually opposite that. I seem to function on a different plane, not better or worse, just different, but am still able to comprehend what's considered normal. To my doctors, I am normal but with anxiety. It's a disconnect on my part that others just don't get. They think they understand me, but they don't, and I'm just unable to communicate that. They tell me that I'm communicating fine, but sin e they don't know my thoughts and intentions, they can't say if I'm effective or not. Based on the feedback I've recieved, no, there's just.. Some inexplainable ... Thing.. That I can't communicate. And because theres not people communicating the way I do, I never learned how to recognize and express these mysterious... Things. I just have emotions that I don't even know how to communicate to myself.

My doctors say I'm acting fine. They say my way of thinkging is odd. I've tried to tell the my experience with the world is my thinking. I've has my own world, my grandparents, parents and family even had a name for it. I can't be judged in a physical way because it's not how I experience the world.

And my vision and hearing are overwhelmed. My mom recently told me that I was very sound-sensitive as a baby. I would always throw up o car rides because the sun would sicken me from brightness. It holds me back because I work retail. It's so hard because people approach me and I get acared because I'm not sure I'll be able to answer their question. It drains me so much that if I worked, that's the only activity I can do outside my room for that day. Not to mentio how college's stri t rules scare the living daylights out of me..

I had to quit comm. College because my brain was hust overwhelmed. Im so overwhelmed that my abiliry to think had been shut down. I get headaches that are so intense, I got an MRI to make sure it wasn't a tumor. My sensory overload has dramatically changed my life.



Jonov
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25 Jul 2013, 4:41 pm

Annaliina wrote:
Its so challenging to explain. x___x Sorry if I seem dumb.

It's actually opposite that. I seem to function on a different plane, not better or worse, just different, but am still able to comprehend what's considered normal. To my doctors, I am normal but with anxiety. It's a disconnect on my part that others just don't get. They think they understand me, but they don't, and I'm just unable to communicate that. They tell me that I'm communicating fine, but sin e they don't know my thoughts and intentions, they can't say if I'm effective or not. Based on the feedback I've recieved, no, there's just.. Some inexplainable ... Thing.. That I can't communicate. And because theres not people communicating the way I do, I never learned how to recognize and express these mysterious... Things. I just have emotions that I don't even know how to communicate to myself.


I did in no way mean to say that your way of thinking is wrong, the example I used in my first sentence should be read in the way that your thinking is different, and therefore not understandable unless someone would think in the exact same way, and basically should be able to see what you see in your own head at the moment you think it.

Are you basically saying that parts of your own "language" are incomprehensible to yourself as well?

Quote:
My doctors say I'm acting fine. They say my way of thinkging is odd. I've tried to tell the my experience with the world is my thinking. I've has my own world, my grandparents, parents and family even had a name for it. I can't be judged in a physical way because it's not how I experience the world.


In what way does your experience with the world present itself in your mind, is it sensory data only such as smells, sounds, taste, touch?

-edit- just a brainstorm idea here below.

Is it possible that for instance data would enter my mind and translate as something understandable, but when the same data enters yours it gets somehow scrambled, making it seem as if it is something you cannot grasp, and are therefore unable to translate these bits of data to yourself and to other people?

Quote:
And my vision and hearing are overwhelmed. My mom recently told me that I was very sound-sensitive as a baby. I would always throw up o car rides because the sun would sicken me from brightness. It holds me back because I work retail. It's so hard because people approach me and I get acared because I'm not sure I'll be able to answer their question. It drains me so much that if I worked, that's the only activity I can do outside my room for that day. Not to mentio how college's stri t rules scare the living daylights out of me.


Sensory overload is common in autism but this symptom on its own provides no clear basis for a diagnosis.



Last edited by Jonov on 25 Jul 2013, 5:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Annaliina
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25 Jul 2013, 4:46 pm

>____< Not to be mean, but I have to stop here. Once more, I'm just not able to express right and its making me confused and have a headache. I.. Wrote an essay on this, but Imm not posting it here. I'm skeptic that I'll be able to explain it properly at all. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I apologize for being so stupid.



Jonov
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25 Jul 2013, 4:50 pm

Annaliina wrote:
>____< Not to be mean, but I have to stop here. Once more, I'm just not able to express right and its making me confused and have a headache. I.. Wrote an essay on this, but Imm not posting it here. I'm skeptic that I'll be able to explain it properly at all. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I apologize for being so stupid.


No problem and you do not at all seem stupid so don't worry about that, take it easy :)



Last edited by Jonov on 25 Jul 2013, 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Annaliina
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25 Jul 2013, 4:53 pm

Thank you.

(I wasn't trying to shut you down. I just have come to recognize when I feel confused and stop it. It cost me the love of my life to learn it. I'd get confused and be in so much pain I'd verblly lash at and harm myself.. OTL )