It's like speaking a foreign language

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So, this is just my experience of it, but I wanted to see if anyone here can relate to this. Officially, I took the Autism test and got scored as severely autistic, but my doctor said that if I was that autistic, I wouldn'tve been able to walk through the door, and I'd need a handler. My IQ was also on both end of the scales; she said it was a fluke. .______.

She, instead, diagnosed me with a thought disorder and I got sent to the hospital. My doctor there specializes in that disorder and was like, ''yeah, no''.

So here I am, no anxiety to speak of, only overloaded by my sense, but diagnosed as anxious.

I disgressed.

I apologize, I am very upset with the doctors.

Anyways,

it's like, for example, I speak Swedish, and most of the rest of the population speaks English. Now, I speak English. I am very fluid in English; I've studied it intensely. I understand everything spoken in English, but it's not my mother tongue. The way I talk, the way I feel the world, is different. I have words in my language that English speakers can't even understand. Some words don't translate, and others translate only loosely. I speak with vibrancy and brilliance and depth, feeling the physical sensation of the words; the textures brushing my tongue. Yet, this is lost. The beauty, the range, and spectrum, of what my thoughts, the physical capability of my soul, is lost to those who don't comprehend it.

I begged, I pleaded, ''Don't take me by my outside. Please, my way of interacting with the world is written words.'' I kicked and screamed inside my head, desperate to communicate that no, they don't understand. My way of being could hold meaning in English, in this foreign language, but no, that's not right. No, that's not right. It's not about your way of perceiving the world, you're not the one hurt, you're not the one lost and drowned in self-hatred for being unable to handle certain things.

I don't mean to do it.
I don't purposefully make things not line up. I don't ask endless questions to annoy, or because I have an anxious mind. I need to understand.

For so long I've studied their language.

But I've fallen apart having to.
My brain is overwhelmed, Dios Mio, with need to speak my mother tongue.

I've been on foreign exchange, I've felt this. I've physically felt the pain of speaking another tongue, when my head is going in the other direction.



So, uhm. Ya.

I.. hate myself for being another ''omg I lyke hav assburgers'', but I... it's the only explanation I've got. Unless I'm just psychotic with sensory issues. u_____u But my doctors said I have clarity.

So I don't know. Please let me know if what I said sounds right; if it resonates with you.

Thanks guys.

Its so challenging to explain. x___x Sorry if I seem dumb.

It's actually opposite that. I seem to function on a different plane, not better or worse, just different, but am still able to comprehend what's considered normal. To my doctors, I am normal but with anxiety. It's a disconnect on my part that others just don't get. They think they understand me, but they don't, and I'm just unable to communicate that. They tell me that I'm communicating fine, but sin e they don't know my thoughts and intentions, they can't say if I'm effective or not. Based on the feedback I've recieved, no, there's just.. Some inexplainable ... Thing.. That I can't communicate. And because theres not people communicating the way I do, I never learned how to recognize and express these mysterious... Things. I just have emotions that I don't even know how to communicate to myself.

My doctors say I'm acting fine. They say my way of thinkging is odd. I've tried to tell the my experience with the world is my thinking. I've has my own world, my grandparents, parents and family even had a name for it. I can't be judged in a physical way because it's not how I experience the world.

And my vision and hearing are overwhelmed. My mom recently told me that I was very sound-sensitive as a baby. I would always throw up o car rides because the sun would sicken me from brightness. It holds me back because I work retail. It's so hard because people approach me and I get acared because I'm not sure I'll be able to answer their question. It drains me so much that if I worked, that's the only activity I can do outside my room for that day. Not to mentio how college's stri t rules scare the living daylights out of me..

I had to quit comm. College because my brain was hust overwhelmed. Im so overwhelmed that my abiliry to think had been shut down. I get headaches that are so intense, I got an MRI to make sure it wasn't a tumor. My sensory overload has dramatically changed my life.

>____< Not to be mean, but I have to stop here. Once more, I'm just not able to express right and its making me confused and have a headache. I.. Wrote an essay on this, but Imm not posting it here. I'm skeptic that I'll be able to explain it properly at all. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I apologize for being so stupid.

Thank you.

(I wasn't trying to shut you down. I just have come to recognize when I feel confused and stop it. It cost me the love of my life to learn it. I'd get confused and be in so much pain I'd verblly lash at and harm myself.. OTL )