Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

InThisTogether
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,709
Location: USA

28 Jul 2013, 9:51 am

My son is about to enter 7th grade.

The other day as we were leaving summer camp, a little boy was practically hanging on him, obviously thinking he was the coolest thing in the whole world. My son said to him "You should have your mom give my mom her phone number. That way we could call each other when we go back to school." The other kid's mom, said "That is so sweet!" And she really appeared to mean it, and she looked at me like "wow, what a great kid you have to be so nice to a little boy."

When we got to the car, I said to my son "That little boy sure looks up to you, doesn't he?" My son said "What do you mean?" I said "He must think you are like a cool teenager or something like that. It's nice that you are so nice to him, even though he's only 8." My son said "I'm not just being nice to him. He is my friend."

In the typical world, are almost 12 year olds friends with 8 year olds? I am wondering if it is an example of his level of social functioning, or if it's "normal" for there to be friendships between kids with such large age differences at a young age. I mean, it would be different if my son was 24 and this kid was 20....


_________________
Mom to 2 exceptional atypical kids
Long BAP lineage


wildcoyotedancer
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jun 2013
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 89
Location: Peoria, AZ

28 Jul 2013, 11:00 am

What you just described sounds like a really positive experience and nothing to be worried about. When I was growing up and kids still roamed free in our neighborhoods, multi age groups of kids were not uncommon at all. But some schools even now have multi grade classrooms such as the Montessori model where older kids help younger kids. There is no reason to segregate kids by age. Also since people on the spectrum can be social emotionally developmentally younger in some areas to their same age peers, it's not uncommon for kids on the spectrum to have an easier time with slightly younger peers who are actually their social emotional peer. Even adults on the spectrum can be this way. I think you are worried about something that is really something to celebrate. Maybe if you were talking about your son being 18 and wanting to date a 12 or 13 or 14 year old then that would be atypical and something to discourage. But friendship between an 8 year old boy and a 12 year old boy seems perfectly fine to me.


_________________
Aspie Score: Aspie 171/200, NT 50/200
AQ: 39
Autistic/BAP: 106 aloof, 104 rigid and 107 pragmatic
Personality: INFP


babybird
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 62,577
Location: UK

28 Jul 2013, 11:05 am

^^ I agree with this. When I was young it wasn't unusual for me to be with kids who were both younger and older than me.


_________________
We have existence


InThisTogether
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,709
Location: USA

28 Jul 2013, 12:26 pm

I'm not saying I would discourage it, or even that I am really "worried" about it. I am more curious, I guess.


_________________
Mom to 2 exceptional atypical kids
Long BAP lineage


ASDMommyASDKid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,666

28 Jul 2013, 1:17 pm

My observations: NTs will play like that when families or multiple families play together. They will play group games sometimes, if there is not quite enough kids to group by age, but they want to play together to play something like football. When they are able they group together by age. I have found that more "family oriented" groups tend to do this. All the cousins are expected to play together. Also if you have one older child playing over at a friend's, he may have to bring his younger sibling with him, and they will play a game they can all play, if they have to. When they assemble theor own groups they tend to be very close in age.

Non NTs may not care about the social issues of hanging with younger kids, so they may prefer to be with younger one who won't judge them. When allowed to be with older kids who are nice, that can work out, too b/c the older one knows he has to adjust to someone younger--he is not focusing on by how much. Same-age peers create the most social pressure for one another, in my experience.



Eureka-C
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Sep 2011
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 586
Location: DallasTexas, USA

28 Jul 2013, 1:27 pm

My son, now 12, almost always plays with the boys in the neighborhood anywhere from 2 to 4 years younger. They like the same toys, social skills are similar in level, my son knows a lot and the boys look up to him. I don't think anything of it.


_________________
NT with a lot of nerd mixed in. Married to an electronic-gaming geek. Mother of an Aspie son and a daughter who creates her own style.

I have both a personal and professional interest in ASD's. www.CrawfordPsychology.com


Thelibrarian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Aug 2012
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,948
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas

28 Jul 2013, 3:41 pm

I have read that it is common for aspies to have friends who are much younger or older than they are. This is definitely true of me. I'm 51 now, all of my friends are older, and always have been. Of course, I would keep an eye on the situation, but otherwise I wouldn't get too worried.



postcards57
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 7 Aug 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 334
Location: Canada

28 Jul 2013, 6:23 pm

My daughter gets along much better with kids who are older or younger than she is; it's her actual peers that are harder for her to make friends with. We have a larger family, and all of our kids, their cousins, their nieces and nephews, etc. played together when they were younger and still hang around together a lot. The fact that my DD on the spectrum loves these family gatherings makes me much less concerned about her social abilities. She blossoms when she's around all these people who love her, and they teach her things I want her to learn (to work together, express affection, help younger children, etc.). We're going to a reunion soon; last year the way my sister and her daughters treated my daughter at the reunion brought tears to my eyes. Just wish they weren't so far away.
J.



MiahClone
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 11 Jan 2013
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 287

28 Jul 2013, 7:44 pm

My boys are homeschooled, so they have never really gotten into that artificial segregation of kids by age group. The neighborhood runs from 5 to 14, with only my youngest being the 5 year old outlier now that two younger boys (7 and 8) moved away. The next youngest is 9. My boys (12 and 13) have never had a thought about playing with a kid of any age, so long as that kid is willing to play and not be controlling and throwing fits/breaking things. My oldest son's best friend in the homeschool group is 17.

This paraphrases John Gatto, I believe. Imagine if you were an adult and you were only allowed to shop at the store for 32 year olds. The manager there sells only meat, and you're a vegetarian, but don't worry, you'll have your birthday soon and then you can shop at the store for 33 year olds where the manager sells more variety.

That makes no sense at all, and isn't how adults congregate, but we tell our kids in public schools that 13 year olds and 11 year olds should never speak to each other and that the 13 year olds are vastly superior, because they are in 8th grade and the 11 year olds are just lowly 6th graders.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,476
Location: PA, USA

29 Jul 2013, 6:58 am

I think it's probably a spectrum thing-- Aspie kids don't care so much about social valuations of who their friends should or should not be. I know when we were younger, I was always making my friends mad by actually wanting their younger siblings around. I guess I wasn't supposed to do that.

When I was his age, I spent a lot of time with my cousin, who was 8 years younger. The best thing that happened to me in school that year was being paired up with a first grader to tutor and do activities with. It didn't last long-- the whole assignment was like 4 weeks and then we all had to go back to our separate classrooms on separate floors with separate lunch times in pretty much totally separate worlds-- but it was a lot of fun while it lasted.

Also there's the whole 30% Rule thing-- Aspie/autie kids tend to be about 30% behind their peers, so hanging out with younger kids puts them in company they're about on a level with. Simlar skills, similar interests-- Hey, everyone wants to hang with someone they have something in common with.

Seems to be a pretty normal way for spectrum kids to learn to become more comfortable with socializing on their own. It's a less threatening environment...

...and sooner or later, those age differences will stop mattering anyway. Like you said, the difference between 24 and 20 isn't near as much as the difference between 12 and 8.

Then again, it is not unususal for my daughter to hang out with kids that are either older or younger, and she's definitely NT. She's always been close to a much-older cousin. The few of my friends that have kids, for the most part they are much older. And she's got a pack of much-younger siblings, so that pretty much guarantees she's going to play with younger kids at the park.

I think it's cool.


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"