Single Again

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I posted this piece on here, months ago...but I thought it was worth reposting, and with a better Subject name.

I hope you enjoy it, now that you're more likely to read it:

I’d like to begin my piece with a note mentioning that what you are about to read isn’t just a few words of advice to the single and lonely out there; if anything it may possibly contain a heavy dose of advice for those in relationships who have single, lonely friends. So, without further ado:

5 years ago this month, Heather and I became a couple. 5 years later, while the relationship did not last, I definitely became a new man from the experience, & I admittedly have thought over several elements from our relationship over and over in my head, as well as about the man I was before the relationship happened.

I couldn’t possibly forget my mentality before the relationship if I tried. I remember at the time—as far back as my mid to late teens, I was already in a very severe depression, and my self-esteem and self-confidence couldn’t have been lower. Despite this, I was never the type to do drugs, drinking, smoking, or random sex for either extremely temporary enjoyment or a momentary sense of external validation. I was never the type to blame others for feeling the way I did—though under the impression being Autistic had something to do with it, especially as I’d then only recently learned about it and didn’t quite know how to use it to my advantage yet , not to mention much of the advice I was being given in general was less than helpful….and if nothing did not aid in my quest for self-validation. I’ve come to realize now why I wouldn’t take in the advice, and I will be discussing it here as well, but a bit later. Allow me to assure I’m glad that I didn’t, and from my current understanding looking back, it appeared that I knew something was off with it, but didn’t have the wisdom at the time to fully grasp why.

I remember I’d gone to several counselors, bothered by my plight of being single. I remember complaining about it constantly at my jobs, to the annoyance of my co-workers and bosses, and I believe also some at-that-point former classmates as well. I remember making many self-deprecating and incriminating jokes and jabs at myself, regarding being single. I would even trash myself to others who needed a boost, under the guise that I was trying to make them feel better about themselves. I would complain about being single to family and friends as well, going so far as to even admitting to a friend that I was considering suicide if I hadn’t found true love by age 28. I referred to myself to my Aunt as “Irwin ‘Skippy’ Handleman” from Family Ties, seeing myself eerily similar to the character from the show, to which she kept insisting to me “you’re not Skippy Handleman!” I would refer to myself often as one of the least eligible bachelors in existence, seeing myself as really not having a damn thing to offer a potential mate. When ya think about it, though, who would want to date that? I remember I even once told a boss of mine, whom I found attractive at the time, quoting a movie she’d seen “I’d take anything that breathes”. I also remember how, earlier before that, at a previous bosses farewell dinner, I somehow held my composure the entire night in a room filled with people who had significant others with them, and upon getting home from the event, bolted up to my room, and collapsed to tears over my single status. This was the event where, as mentioned elsewhere, a former classmate of mine was dragged in to my situation, and did the best possible to console me. I have mentioned previously as well that this was the moment I hit absolute rock bottom with my depression, and the only way from there was back up. Nonetheless, I felt terrible for ages that I had dragged that person in, and I have since thanked them for being there for me at a time when I really needed it.

I remember being so lonely and unhappy with myself, I often believed considerably strongly that at the time having never had proper closure over the relationship with my then ex-girlfriend—let’s just call her K, possibly that a space had been left in my heart that hadn’t been filled back in. Interestingly enough, I would finally get the closure with my previous ex-girlfriend as I’ve already mentioned when she stopped into my job….with her then-boyfriend, a former classmate of mine. I remember talking to her for quite a while, and even asked her what she found appealing about me when we were together, seeing as at the time I was so unhappy with myself I saw virtually no appeal at all. I also asked for her email address, just to be able to keep in contact, which she did give me. If this sounds like it was an incredibly bad and stupid idea, potentially with ulterior motives, it was all of the above. I’ll just say it, folks: I’m human; I’m allowed to do something stupid every once in a while. And yes, that night I did do that very stupid thing, by asking if there was ever any chance of she and I getting back together; however, before the night ended, I finally came to my senses, emailed her again and apologized for such idiocy, admitting our time together had come to a close, but I’d still like to remain friends if possible. Regrettably, my apology wasn’t taken as well and appreciated as I would’ve hoped, as I wound up getting chewed out by her and her boyfriend. A few days later, I remember having it out with them online via IM on AOL, and we wound up in a mini-war that my job sadly did get somewhat caught in the crossfire of. Thankfully, our war was finally brought to its necessary conclusion at my following job, where I wished them both the best in life, in the process finally getting my own necessary closure to the relationship and being able to put “the end” on the metaphorical page in the chapter of my life’s book.

While the events mentioned previously did finally give me closure over K, before I’d left my previous job, we had a “regular” stop in quite a bit—I’ll call him JF—who often hung out with this girl, an attractive red-head who would later become his girlfriend, I’ll just call her N. My co-workers, upon hearing that those two weren’t working out, suggested I ask N out. I can assure you I did want to; everyone said I’d be such an improvement over JF. While looking back I likely would have been, I also didn’t have a lot of money on me to take her out or anything; everyone assured me it didn’t matter as JF just mooched off everybody else. I told them I didn’t care, as that’s not how I do things. I’m glad I stood for my standards, and as I would later find out from a friend and co-worker at my next job, I was better off not pursuing N, as she was apparently a very troubled person.

Now you might be wondering if, this entire time, I was making any actual attempts beyond what was already mentioned to find love. The answer is without question, yes. I would talk to women on MySpace, and AOL, and would even directly admit to some co-workers that I found them appealing. I even joined a few match-making sites. Most of my attempts sadly led to little more than either flat-out being rejected, finding the women to be insanely flaky and spoiled rotten, and although I did set up a few meetings with women that I’d spoken to, most of them led to my being stood up. I even wound up driving home one night all the way from Brunswick back to Madison completely heartbroken, distraught, and in anguish over the thought that I’d been stood up( to this day don’t even ask me how I successfully navigated the roads as well as I managed to, especially as I was in territory I wasn’t even that familiar with). I did manage to have one successful meeting in Woodbridge, interestingly enough around my 21st birthday…regrettably the meeting did not go so hot, and the woman clearly couldn’t stand me. I was in the very least though proud to say I’d officially gone on a date at that time in my life, and considered it a success, as she’d at least shown up.

Now that I’ve thoroughly covered the majority of life and experiences in my pre-relationship years, as promised earlier, I’d like to elaborate some on much of the advice I’d been given, and the experiences in which I’d been given them, and explain why I realize now how truly unhelpful I found it to be, as well as why I’m glad I stuck to my guns and didn’t take it so seriously/never followed thru on much of it:

My personal favorite “encouraging” piece of advice that I’ve ever been told—and I still hear it today—is “You’ll find someone”. We’ve all heard it, and chances are, we all hate it. I realize the reason is that it’s the equivalent of being handed some porn, lotion, and getting a pat on the back with the words “tough break” to follow. I explained my problem with this line to a co-worker recently, to which he responded “sometimes you don’t know what to say”. Almost immediately I realized I have a problem with this line of thinking, to which I immediately confronted him about, and shared with some others: “do you come out of the womb in a relationship” I asked? “Is there literally no point in one’s life where one might be single for a time? Are some people just so appealing that they don’t understand the idea of being single, and desiring companionship?” My co-worker had no further response, although I did appreciate his thoughts and elaboration, even if I did have issues with it.

Another classic is “enjoy the single life”. Now, I’ve had a problem with this line almost from the beginning, but I now take issue with it for different reasons than I did in the past. Back in the day, I hated it because I had no idea what was to be enjoyed about being single, and being so undesirable to the opposite sex—comes with the territory of low self-esteem, depression, and all that. Now, I disapprove of it in viewing it as an implication of a life free of responsibility and obligation—by choice, obviously-- to another. I’m the type of person who would view it as a privilege to be accountable, responsible, and obligated to my significant other and my family. If I didn’t, why would I want to look for a significant other in the first place?

Now I come to the last big one: “you didn’t ask her out/talk to her/get her phone number? You missed your perfect opportunity”. This classic was actually used on me at least twice, and I’ve clearly come to realize both “opportunities”…were not:

In the first example, I met a very attractive clerk at the Comfort Inn in Sandusky while driving around looking for a job. I told a friend about the experience, and I got that line used on me”. I responded “I don’t have a job; why would I ask her out?”, to which the friend responded “it doesn’t matter!” I replied “oh yes it does matter!”

In the other example, as I’ve already noted on here last November, I was getting in my car in the Target parking lot on the night before Black Friday, and upon checking my phone, I heard a knock on the window from the car next to mine. I turned my head, and saw a gal waving to me, to which I waved back. After checking my phone a bit more, I turned back, gave her the “wink and the gun”, and drove off.

Both times I was told I missed golden opportunities, and I believe both times I was thoroughly misled about this, as such pleased that I did not pursue them further. Regarding the woman from the hotel, I stand by that I didn’t have a job at the time, and my first concern was getting a job, not hitting on random women. As for the woman in the car in the Target parking lot….. I would’ve never thought at all to get out of my car, walk over to her, and talk to her.

This brings me to a major point about both examples I want to make:

I believe that if dating/a relationship between two people is going to occur, it has to happen naturally; i.e. it must happen thru courses of action that the people would naturally take. If this does not happen, then it’s not meant to be. I would never in my life have thought—before my shift at my job started, no less—to get out of my car, and walk over, and talk to that woman. I simply took it as a gal flirting with me a bit, and it gave me the indication that I’m becoming considerably more appealing to the opposite sex, and left it at that. I would have never in my life considered to ask out that attractive clerk at the hotel when my main concern was finding employment ASAP to pay my bills.

Now, I’ve also been recommended in the past to go to bars, and other places, where people go to be sociable with one another. I have often times shot all of this down, and now I strongly believe with very good reason: as I mentioned before, I’d be going out of my way, and I consider this a sign of desperation, and intentionally looking. I’ve often been told “love comes when you’re not looking”, and I do believe this is true.

Now, let’s say for instance a friend of mine were to invite me to his friend’s cabin or something for a ski trip/short vacation( why yes, I have watched a lot of sitcoms, why do you ask?), and I were to meet someone there. I….don’t ski. But I wouldn’t entirely see it as going out of my way because I’d consider it more of a get-together with friends, and that is something I could see myself doing quite easily if the time/opportunity afforded me to do it.

For a better, more likely example, let’s say I were to go to a “geek” convention like New York Comic Con, San Diego Comic Con, or even one of the smaller ones, and happened to meet someone there; years ago this wouldn’t have been so likely as I was not in as likely of a situation to be able to do this, but as of now, easily more likely so.

Basically, certain examples that may’ve seemed like they would’ve been going out of my way back in the day might not be so much now; and on top of this, they’d be for far different reasons than why I’d have been more focused on back when.

And for those who look at all this and so badly want to tell me “I think you’re really overanalyzing all of this”, I’d like to simply respond with a reminder that from my experience everyone and their Mom usually seems to be horny for each other, and then on top of that the divorce rate in this country exceeds 50%. Somehow I don’t see that as a mere coincidence, and I think I can do a lot better than just being another statistic.

So now I’d like to bring this full circle to this past October-now. Before I finally decided on ending the relationship, everything I’d previously mentioned had indeed gone thru my head at the time, and I feared to a degree I would indeed be repeating all of it in the process of ending the relationship. I feared that ending my relationship would take away from me the one major goal to aim for keeping me focused on navigating thru the extremely stressful period I was going thru, potentially wandering “aimlessly” thru the rest of my life. I feared I might even lose interest in that which I’d come to find so near and dear to me in the relationship, in terms of the interests Heather and I shared together—many of which I already loved very much, but meant even more to me sharing them with her. I felt like she’d experienced me go thru such a difficult time in my life, never getting the opportunity to share in reaping the benefits of the outcome( as I now realize she was likely never meant to, anyway). On top of all of this though, I really did feel like she was the only one, and as no one during our relationship had seemed to express any interest in me otherwise from my recollection, if I were once again in the same position as I were before our relationship, what woman would want to then?

The conclusion of the relationship is already well-known, obviously. In the process, I remember that the morning I knew I had to end it, having come to the conclusion the night before, my room-mate came to me and asked how I felt. I responded “you know what? I’m….I’m ok! I’m good, I’m good, yeah”. I realized that rather than this development taking away the goal I was aiming for, it actually opened up many new possibilities( I would also later find out the goal I was aiming for would’ve been a futile disaster as it was being planned, in many ways, but that’s for me to maybe share another time). I realized I hadn’t lost any interest in the things I’d loved so much with her; I loved them just as much as before…and I now no longer had to deal with the things she enjoyed that I could barely stand. On top of all of that though, I realized I’m not in the same position as I was before our relationship; and I’m not because I’m not the same person I was then. As Jay even put it best “you grew in the relationship….”

My life has clearly changed dramatically since I first moved out here, and met Heather. I now have many wonderful people in my life who are there for me to talk to when I need it, and just great people I enjoy spending time with, most of them who were there for me and showed me how much I meant to them when the breakup happened. I’ve now become insanely busy with my business, working my day jobs, and taking on many other responsibilities I wasn’t as skilled and qualified for back when. I was invited to join the Freemasons back when I was only 28, and despite the fact that time constraints and a few concerns regarding some of their rules have at the moment kept me from joining, I still consider it a major honor to have even been considered for an invitation. I’ve changed up my dress style a little bit which I happen to enjoy a lot more, almost like part of a way to kick-start a new beginning, started religiously using corny phrases that didn’t go over so well with her…which apparently seem to go over well with everyone else. Granted yes, I do also enjoy going now to restaurants she wasn’t fond of, enjoying the food, and spending money solely on myself in the process. On my list of enjoyments now is heading to nearby areas where for various reasons I supposedly had to avoid which I no longer do. On top of all of that though, I no longer deal with certain stresses I had to in my relationship, and even better…I am indeed apparently starting to catch the eye of the opposite sex here and there. I suppose this is due to my feeling like a new man, having come to understand all that I’ve had the privilege of experiencing to help me become the man I have. It is a wonderful feeling, and I’m sure when the time dictates it, Mrs. Right will be there waiting for me—though I will openly admit that I do often think about who she’ll be, and what she’ll be like. As that one song goes “I just haven’t met you yet”.

Finally, as for that one main goal that I kept focusing on: a trip to Orlando Florida with my good friends, to propose to Heather. Well, I still plan on going…but now the plan will be altered, and the focus will instead be on finally enjoying a fun, much-needed vacation with good friends of mine, potentially celebrating a few big milestone birthdays while we’re there, as well as celebrating 10 years together with three of them…and where a few of them will be likely getting the opportunity to meet some new, wonderful people in my life that I’ve come to know.

And I can’t wait to enjoy every last minute of it; hey, for all I know—as suggested by one of my friends already—a few of us might even have new girlfriends to bring along with us at that point. All’s I know is, either way, I’m excited by the possibilities.