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LumpySpacePrincess
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02 Aug 2013, 9:35 am

I was diagnosed this last week at 33 years old. My son has Asperger's as well. I feel really alone right now. Before I was diagnosed I went to see my family back home on the west coast and got in a fight with my mom because she said I didn't seem to have the ability to stick to basic social courtesies. I never thought I was that bad, in fact I'm hyper aware of how I act around others because she used to purposely humiliate me in front of other people for my behavior. The argument ended with me asking her why she never bothered to get me help for the depression I've felt since I was around 3 that was crippling. She just told me it was my responsibility to help myself.

I feel like I don't have anyone left. I haven't spoken to anyone in my family for weeks, and now I almost feel embarrassed to tell them this new turn. My mother especially has always accused me of making things up, not realizing that maybe I just have a different perception of things around me, so I don't think she would believe me now. She just says I use everything as an excuse. Her constant, relentless criticism of me has, over the years, gotten me to a point where I can't even tell my therapist of this new diagnosis for fear of being disbelieved or ridiculed. At the same time, being a psychologist, I know this is an illogical thought but it persists.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who is understanding, but other than that I've managed to distance myself or alienate myself from pretty much everyone.

Does it ever stop being lonely? :oops:



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02 Aug 2013, 9:50 am

IMO, all you can do is to be honest, when appropriate, to the people close to you. Aside from that, find your own people - whether online or or a face-to-face support group.


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Fnord
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02 Aug 2013, 9:57 am

You are not alone. We're here.

Your family seems like mine - they've said I'm discourteous, they've humiliated me around others, and pretty much told me that everything that happened to me (bullying, beatings, and other victimizations) were all my fault.

They've called me a lair for pointing out their abusive attitudes and broken promises, and told me that I just needed to correct my "bad attitude".

Since leaving my father's house almost 40 years ago, I've earned a college degree on my own, I've been married, become a parent, got divorced, joined the Navy, got married again, left the Navy on an Honorable Discharge, and am now employed full time.

In all of that time, the loneliness has never completely left me, but it has been largely displaced by the satisfaction of knowing that despite my family's low opinions of me, I have risen above their expectations of me and succeeded in ways that they can barely comprehend.

Thus, it can get better.

Our stories are repeated in varying degrees and forms among all of the members of WrongPlanet. Hardly anyone here has not gone through the lack of understanding and the feelings of alien-ness that all Autistics seem to share.

You are not alone.

Welcome aboard!

:D



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02 Aug 2013, 9:59 am

:D Welcome.


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Adamantium
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02 Aug 2013, 10:15 am

Thanks for that quick bio, Fnord.

It's always good to hear about people who overcome.

I used to resent certain people in my family who said "sink or swim" because I sometimes sank. Now I realize that they were fundamentally right, even if the details if execution were wrong.

It may be that sink or swim is a dumb, false choice and what you need is to find a boat, floatation device, bridge, tunnel or aircraft. But you have to get across the river if your goal is on the other side and no one can do it but you.



MjrMajorMajor
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02 Aug 2013, 11:32 am

Adamantium wrote:

It may be that sink or swim is a dumb, false choice and what you need is to find a boat, floatation device, bridge, tunnel or aircraft. But you have to get across the river if your goal is on the other side and no one can do it but you.


Very true.



Callista
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02 Aug 2013, 12:53 pm

Your mom is being a b***h. That's normal around here; mine can be pretty bitchy too. She used to laugh at me because I was "immature" or "lazy". She still sends me lots of weight-loss pamphlets and miracle drugs, because apparently she thinks she can still run my life.

But no, it doesn't stay that lonely. For one thing, you're here. There's lots of us. (We're taking over the world! Muahaha.) Autistic people have an online culture complete with friendships, arguments, drama, sub-cultures, opinionated people, and long lectures on whatever we happen to be interested in. I think half of the reason you're feeling so down is that your mom is being so hard on you. Whether we like it or not, our parents are always important to us, and it's tough when they tell us things like your mom's telling you.

She's wrong, though. I think you probably did your best. Yeah, we tend to be bluntly honest (i.e., the kind of person who will openly call somebody else's mom out for being bitchy). But we do NOT tend to be sociopathic, abusive, nasty people. At least not more often than non-autistics are. With an autistic person, what you see is what you get.

You can work on learning to communicate better--it'll come in handy, and now that you know your diagnosis you can probably learn faster. But you should never feel like you have to be someone you are not. Don't let anyone tell you that the person you are, the way you think, is unacceptable. You have just as much right to your place in the world as anyone else does to theirs.


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Last edited by Callista on 02 Aug 2013, 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Willard
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02 Aug 2013, 12:53 pm

LumpySpacePrincess wrote:
She just says I use everything as an excuse.


One of the most common abuses of those with an invisible handicap - deny that it exists. I think those of us who were not diagnosed until adulthood get that worst of all. Parents whose kids are diagnosed early may find the condition frustrating, but at least they know their child is struggling with a problem. Growing up in a family that insists there's nothing wrong with you and your problems are all your fault does permanent damage to the human spirit.

LumpySpacePrincess wrote:
I've managed to distance myself or alienate myself from pretty much everyone.


Isn't it strange how that happens? When you want people to go away and leave you alone they won't, then suddenly its like everybody you've ever known or been close to has either forgotten you exist, or is upset with you about something. Fortunately, life is an endless set of cycles, so it doesn't stay that way forever, but sometimes it seems like forever.

LumpySpacePrincess wrote:
Does it ever stop being lonely? :oops:


Well...in my experience - no, not really. Perceiving the world through different eyes than nearly everyone else can't help but create a permanent sense of isolation and alienation. I've felt it less when spending time with other Spectrumites, which is probably why I'm continually drawn back to WP. When life is at its most dull and lonely, its reassuring to be in the company of others who see the world through much the same lens that I do, even if we interpret some of the details differently.

So forget the haters and hang here as long and as often as you like, we're happy to have you. :D



girl_incognito
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02 Aug 2013, 1:03 pm

I can relate in a way.

I am 34, recently diagnosed with 3 children , the oldest is 15 year old aspie.

Anyhow I had 2 friends before my pursuit of a diagnosis. I now have one (in real life). One has all but walked out on me. She won't say she is done, but I know she is. I probably obsessed too much or zoned out too much on her. I don't know. She wasn't supportive of me getting diagnosed, so it's probably for the best.

My family has never been extremely supportive of me. I moved out at 17 after living with their abusive ways (alcoholism). I think my mother is trying. My mom has kind of gotten a bit excited about me being diagnosed and has offered up quirks from my childhood. My father, on the other hand,loves to watch me explode and tries his best to make it happen. So it makes it hard be around my mom. So I don't go over there. I have been called a liar, lazy, over emotional, etc... I could make an extensive list of things I have been called lol

My sister is a bit self absorbed (probably aspie too) and very hard to deal with. I think she tries her best, but that doesn't help me much sometimes LOL

My husband is my support. The one friend I do have has an Aspie daughter and use to be my son's advocate. She is really great.

But lonely? Yes I am lonely. At least for today, I am lonely. Ask me tomorrow and I may be fine.

BUT, I have been through this before in life, prior to being diagnosed and I know it's not a loneliness that lasts forever. I am in touch with my state's autism support organization and the ladies there are really nice. They are trying to get me involved with them and maybe meet some people like me :)

As for alienating myself, I like my space. I finally figured out I need people in my life who GET that. I am not the type to want to hang out once a week or even once a month (maybe once every 3 months LOL). I am more likely to text or write you an email than want to "hang out"



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02 Aug 2013, 1:18 pm

It may take time. It took some of my loved ones over a year to start to be open it. I am older than you and found out a year and a half ago. It's really hard when it's your mum. But you don't need her approval anymore. You can live your life without it.



xTaniax
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02 Aug 2013, 2:06 pm

Helloooooo

I am a 26 year old single mum from Kent UK and am going through the process of diagnoses and have been referred by my doctor despite most my close friends and what little family I speak to thinking that I am 'attention seeking'.......I could not imagine anything worse. They constantly tell me I'm not right and unstable, selfish, distant and (the one I hate the most) DRAMATIC..........however they did not take my 'I think it could be mild aspergers' seriously atall. I am sure my mum who I have lost contact with has aspergers as she was a little different as a young girl and did most the tell tale autistic traits (although they were not known to be autisism at the time). When I get a formal diagnosis there will be a few people who will not be hearing from me anymore. I hope to make some friends on here that 'get me'. :lol: xxxxxx



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02 Aug 2013, 2:32 pm

skibum wrote:
It may take time. It took some of my loved ones over a year to start to be open it. I am older than you and found out a year and a half ago. It's really hard when it's your mum. But you don't need her approval anymore. You can live your life without it.


I learned of my Asperger's diagnosis ten years after my mother and father had died. I have no idea how they would have processed the information or what sort of difference it might have made in our relationships. But I don't need their "approval" anymore, either. I have lived my life without it.


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02 Aug 2013, 3:31 pm

LumpySpacePrincess wrote:
I was diagnosed this last week at 33 years old. [etc]


Maybe seeing your diagnosis (you have a paper of some kind maybe?) may change you mum's perspective on this. I guess only you know your mum and have an idea what will happen when you tell her. Avoid blaming I would say, there's probably going to be huge guilt (and defensiveness) already from what you said about how things were for you with your mum.

Your therapist is a different matter, no? They're expected to act like a professional and refusing to believe you is not very professional. Maybe some kind of phone call so it can sink in for them for when you see them. Can an emotional response be illogical given that people are emotional creatures in general? Maybe it's normal to feel apart from others when you pretty much get told that you're "officially" different from them. Years of conditioning can't have helped you to have faith in being believed. If it comes to the worst just give people proof (assuming you have it or can get it) and let them argue with that.

I've felt different from others at certain points throughout my life in a way so I sympathize with that. Maybe when I get some kind of diagnosis I'll feel the same way. Hope you get a break from the lonely feelings.



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03 Aug 2013, 3:27 am

yeah and to be fruitfully honest, getting a diagnosis and shouting your mouth off about receiving benefit, is not the way, I would not wish to pursue my life through those methods.



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03 Aug 2013, 3:31 am

If you're around people and you feel alone....

Yes, you'll always be alone.



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03 Aug 2013, 9:42 am

I disagree. Feelings change rather quickly. Sometimes I feel alone; sometimes I don't. Most of the time, I don't really think about it. People don't need to be "normal" social butterflies to be happy. What you need is purpose. Something to do with your life that you consider meaningful. Doesn't have to be a big-deal thing. One guy might want to become a wonderful cook; another might want to read everything he can get his hands on. Some people find meaning through other people, but you don't have to.

My purpose tends to revolve around making the world a better place and learning as much as I can. Now, my main fear is that I won't manage to make a difference. That is easier to deal with, though, than the fear that life is completely useless.


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