I feel like my brain is broken

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Everything I do or consider doing I process in my brain for a long time. Even if simple decisions are in question, I spend a lot of time processing the available information, pros and cons, etc. It's interfering with my life, I can't seem to decide anything. You know what the problem is? People are generally driven by their passions, unconsciously just doing what they like. For me, I have to reason myself into doing something, I will determine whether something is fun or not by analyzing the available info and determining is based on that info is something fun for me. I have no subtle wishes or actions, everything I do or strive to do has to be heavily processed, I have to convince myself to do activities a lot of people do naturally. I've noticed patterns and that makes things totally uninteresting, e.g. going to a club, every time it's the same thing, why go?

For example, I'm at a point in my education where I have to choose whether I will specialize in teaching or translation. Teaching has more job opportunities, but it's exhausting to work with kids and people in general. If I choose translation, I might not be able to get a job. Same goes for having a gf, it's nice to cuddle with a girl, but there are a lot of things that aren't nice. See the pattern? I can't decide, the only constant in my life is that I want to avoid people, I have no natural tendencies towards anything. The other day I asked a guy why does he enjoy talking to people, what purpose does that have because I talk to people only if the conversation has a specific purpose, why are you interested in someone else's experience while travelling to a city if you have no intentions to go there and don't need some practical help from that info ? He just called me autistic.


I don't know what to do, I can't change my way of thinking no matter how hard I try.

that's pretty much my only constant as well. avoid or be overloaded / exhausted.

You just explained how I think as well. It gets very exhausting. Even when I eat, I weigh out everything. For example, I can eat chips or I can eat spaghetti right now, but if I eat the chips I have to wash my hands first and with the spaghetti I don't, but with the spaghetti I have to take the effort to make it and I don't really want to do that, so I guess I'll just wash my hands and grab the chips even though I'd rather have spaghetti. Not sure why I have to be so complex with simple things. I do the same thing with answering peoples text messages, I will erase and redo my text a hand full of times and even ask the people around me what they think i should say back. Very, very exhausting.

You are correct in stating that decision making requires some emotional input. I find it stressful if I have to make a decision that I have not had time to plan and think about. I find I need time to psyche myself up for something and convince myself that I will like doing it in order not to be anxious or depressed about doing it.

If plans change and I am not prepared I can have overload.

People are driven by their instincts and emotions. Everything is emotive with NT's, they cannot do anything from a purely logical or practical point of view.

I don't know what to offer for help in dealing with it because I don't deal with it well myself.

for both of you why don't you try not giving yourself a second chance with things like that, by this I mean if you begin to type a txt keep going no erasing aloud and like with the food just pick one and don't look back... it might not be as easy as I say im pretty sure I do similar things but I just thought of this so if I notice myself doing stuff like this from now on ill try do what I said

I'll try to do your advice. Not going to be easy though...

I have some trouble making short-term decisions, but I don't have much of a problem making long-term decisions anymore. I don't have any plans or dreams for the future. I'm only interested in living for the present, and I can only hope that I'll be able to find a way to enjoy my life in the future, when that becomes the present. I have no idea what I'm doing in life. I just drift through life, trying to find happiness in my current circumstances, not thinking about the future.

If you'd really rather choose to study translation over teaching, I say go for it, despite that it might be harder for you to find a job in that field than in teaching. No one is guaranteed the future that they plan for. Do what feels best to you now, and find a way to make the circumstances that it leads to work for you, when the time comes. Everyone has to wander through life, just try to have fun while doing it, and don't let fear for your future jeopardize your happiness. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

I think what you describe here is the "general" autistic perception of life - detail-orientation as opposed to viewing the "big picture".

The difference between us and NTs is that NTs have a natural "filter" built into their perception of the world. They relate the world to themselves automatically, and gets an instinctive opinion about things: what they like, what they don't like, what they are passionate about, etc. This is basically what we consider to be emotions.

The autistic brain has no natural "filter". We look at the world analytically. We naturally break everything down into details instead of building wholes out of the parts. For instance, I've have to "decide" that life is about survival. So I act so as to optimize my (and other people's) survival.

It's like I've had to discover what my life is about - most people just know intuitively. For me, life could have been about all other kinds of things. Most people seem to have no doubt about the purpose of life.


This is an extremely dangerous road to walk down on. Without emotions I think life makes little sense. A purely analytical view leads to depression. I struggle with this myself.

I can think of it this way: Objectively life has no purpose. Human life is just as meaningless as that of ants nest. What difference does it make that you keep living? When you are eventually going to die anyway? And even if your kids have kids etc., what purpose does that serve?

Life only makes sense when you make it subjective: by believing that you are worth something, and that basically amounts to having confidence and self-esteem. Having the "irrational" feeling that you are worth something. One should be so convinced about this that it no longer feels irrational. This is basically done by viewing the world socially, and that's by definition what autistics struggle with. That's why we can soon enough run into feeling that life is meaningless.

Wow, that is really well put. Thanks!

I also feel stuck by decisions, sometimes I feel that I don't "want" anything. In the past I would defer to someone else's wishes or plan and just go along with it, if it seemed generally decent or the correct thing to do. But then what I am actually able to do conflicts with these goals and habits. So that has lead to a huge amount of fear, failure, depression. Being left with facing my abilities and what I want is also somewhat devastating because I have asked myself over and over and I have been unable to come up with any real goals that are my own that motivate me. I dislike change to the point that if my therapist asks me what I would want to see in my life a year from now my brain just spins its wheels. I want things to be exactly the same as they are now.

The analytical view on what my life is about:


Life is about survival.

Life is made so that those that do well receive pleasure, and those who do bad are punished.

So life is basically about optimizing your and other people's pleasure because that is the indicator that you are doing well in the survival game.


I divide "pleasure-sources" in three categories:

1. Relations
2. Career
3. Your home, experiences/travelling, entertainment, health, eating, sleeping etc. (everything that promotes survival but does not fit into 1 or 2)


So life is about optimizing these 3 points and enjoying the pleasure life rewards me with from optimizing them. Pleasure from number 1 can be hard when having autism, however. That's a big issue.

Anyone else feel they have to "mechanically" find out what to do with their lives? I.e. as a result of analytical thinking.

I mechanically have to do everything.

Everything.

>______<;;

I don't bother with goals anymore.

Sure. I figured it out in my 20s. In my religion this is actually a recognized process called "finding your True Will." If people were able to just know from birth what they were supposed to do in life there wouldn't been all those school guidance counselors and self-help books out there.