"If I knew you had this Aspergers,I wouldn't have dated

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TheZachadoodle
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07 Aug 2013, 2:37 pm

20% success rate of maintaining a long relationship... 8O

HOLY S***

This makes me sad because I now feel like I can never be able to marry or have a girlfriend for more than one year... :cry:



frankton
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07 Aug 2013, 3:13 pm

to the OP: if you see work and intimate relationships as equivalent in terms of self presentation, well, no offense, but that's another facet to explore with a therapist. Also, personality disorders come in a wide variety, not all are "psychos."

Of course you should not give someone a list of all your challenges on a first date. We all try to put on our best face at the beginning. But, NO, you don't "get credit," as someone here put it, for suppressing your symptoms as long as you can. That is not progress.
There is a huge difference between working on one's issues (whatever their source) and merely stomping down on traits which are bound to come to the surface once the pressure is too great. You tell a significant other about your medical or psychiatric conditions before you get super serious, and definitely before you get legally married. It's not reasonable to expect everyone to come to the dating world equipped with a full encyclopedic knowledge of all disorders, ready to pick up on all possible clues. That's where SELF disclosure comes in.

BTW, she has told you she feels that she fell for false advertising. What do you think "i wouldn't have married you if I knew" means?

I don't mean to sound like everything is your fault. There are always at least two sides to the story of every marriage. However, you need to see and to own your issues if you are ever to make progress in your marriage or in any future relationships.



Jayo
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08 Aug 2013, 3:15 pm

frankton wrote:
to the OP: if you see work and intimate relationships as equivalent in terms of self presentation, well, no offense, but that's another facet to explore with a therapist. Also, personality disorders come in a wide variety, not all are "psychos."

Of course you should not give someone a list of all your challenges on a first date. We all try to put on our best face at the beginning. But, NO, you don't "get credit," as someone here put it, for suppressing your symptoms as long as you can. That is not progress.
There is a huge difference between working on one's issues (whatever their source) and merely stomping down on traits which are bound to come to the surface once the pressure is too great. You tell a significant other about your medical or psychiatric conditions before you get super serious, and definitely before you get legally married. It's not reasonable to expect everyone to come to the dating world equipped with a full encyclopedic knowledge of all disorders, ready to pick up on all possible clues. That's where SELF disclosure comes in.

BTW, she has told you she feels that she fell for false advertising. What do you think "i wouldn't have married you if I knew" means?

I don't mean to sound like everything is your fault. There are always at least two sides to the story of every marriage. However, you need to see and to own your issues if you are ever to make progress in your marriage or in any future relationships.


Actually, I DID tell her from the get-go. We got married in summer of 2008; I first told her in early 2007. However, she did not want to accept it. She said that she met a couple of other people with Aspergers and said that I was not like them, only somewhat in a couple of behaviours, but not close to what they were like.

Then in 2009, after getting married, we read the John Elder Robison biography book "Look Me in the Eye" together, as bedtime reading. (For those of you who don't know, Robison is a baby boomer with Aspergers who described his struggles and getting diagnosed at the age of 40.) And she said I was not like Robison, it didn't fit me.

I guess that's where the adage applies "when you've met one person with Aspergers, you've met one person with Aspergers".
Either that, or she was in denial. Or both.



Ann2011
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08 Aug 2013, 3:38 pm

Jayo wrote:
But in any case, I don't think there was anything selfish I did in the suppression of my symptoms. It was for us to enjoy many great memories together, which we have.
It's just like a workplace setting, there's nothing shifty or shady about me suppressing my AS manifestations - at the end of the day, I have to eat, and for that I'm truly unrepentant. So goes it for the personal relationship with her, I have other needs to be fulfilled, and one doesn't need to be an expert on reading between the lines to know what they are.

I get what you're saying here, but it's a heavy price to pay. If I had to keep up the facade at home I would have a breakdown. And that she said:
Jayo wrote:
...but she seemed flippant about that, saying that "I'm just a little different and have to try harder (still), people will try to justify anything with medical labels."

shows that she does not get it and is unaware of the struggle you are undergoing. Perhaps you could try to express to her how important it may be to you that she be more aware of your aspieness. I tried being in a relationship where I had to pretend and it was awful.



savvyidentity
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08 Aug 2013, 4:03 pm

Jayo wrote:
This is an AWFUL comment to receive, [etc]


It's pretty mean though that your wife says that to you, and honestly I think you shouldn't let her (or anyone) "rubbish" you.

Can your wife justify what she says by your medical label? She says "I wouldn't have dated you if I knew you had aspergers", when really she could just say "I wouldn't have dated you if I knew we'd have these problems" rather than using the word aspergers to her advantage (and it seems as a way to hurt/harm you) in this situation.

Casting aspersions on someones character or laying blame is known to be a really bad thing for a relationship anyway.

Also, putting effort into a relationship is important and I'd expect the spark to die out in that situation.

No offense meant by this btw, just wanted to give some honest feedback on that.



Jayo
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08 Aug 2013, 8:12 pm

savvyidentity wrote:
Jayo wrote:
This is an AWFUL comment to receive, [etc]


It's pretty mean though that your wife says that to you, and honestly I think you shouldn't let her (or anyone) "rubbish" you.

Can your wife justify what she says by your medical label? She says "I wouldn't have dated you if I knew you had aspergers", when really she could just say "I wouldn't have dated you if I knew we'd have these problems" rather than using the word aspergers to her advantage (and it seems as a way to hurt/harm you) in this situation.

Casting aspersions on someones character or laying blame is known to be a really bad thing for a relationship anyway.

Also, putting effort into a relationship is important and I'd expect the spark to die out in that situation.

No offense meant by this btw, just wanted to give some honest feedback on that.


You know, I think the more accurate statement from her should have been: "If I knew your Asperger issues would (still) be this bad, I wouldn't have dated you."

She did tell me early on in the relationship that she noticed something was a bit "off" about me, but she was still crazy about me, loved me and being around me etc, and I know it was genuine. So I think she was willing to overlook certain things, but after a few years of living together, I guess it took its toll on her so to speak. She ostensibly expected me to "get it fixed by now". The demands of a daughter and other increased responsibilities have really put a strain on my executive function which largely went unnoticed before - it's not so much social rudeness or lack of reading between the lines (though these still happen on occasion). Therein lies her major complaint. I guess that's one thing that people don't really think about when they think stereotypical Aspie, they think somebody who speaks too loud or too fast or doesn't look people in the eye and uses big words with small gestures. But that's not me (anymore).



tarantella64
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08 Aug 2013, 9:21 pm

Jayo wrote:
savvyidentity wrote:
Jayo wrote:
This is an AWFUL comment to receive, [etc]


It's pretty mean though that your wife says that to you, and honestly I think you shouldn't let her (or anyone) "rubbish" you.

Can your wife justify what she says by your medical label? She says "I wouldn't have dated you if I knew you had aspergers", when really she could just say "I wouldn't have dated you if I knew we'd have these problems" rather than using the word aspergers to her advantage (and it seems as a way to hurt/harm you) in this situation.

Casting aspersions on someones character or laying blame is known to be a really bad thing for a relationship anyway.

Also, putting effort into a relationship is important and I'd expect the spark to die out in that situation.

No offense meant by this btw, just wanted to give some honest feedback on that.


You know, I think the more accurate statement from her should have been: "If I knew your Asperger issues would (still) be this bad, I wouldn't have dated you."

She did tell me early on in the relationship that she noticed something was a bit "off" about me, but she was still crazy about me, loved me and being around me etc, and I know it was genuine. So I think she was willing to overlook certain things, but after a few years of living together, I guess it took its toll on her so to speak. She ostensibly expected me to "get it fixed by now". The demands of a daughter and other increased responsibilities have really put a strain on my executive function which largely went unnoticed before - it's not so much social rudeness or lack of reading between the lines (though these still happen on occasion). Therein lies her major complaint. I guess that's one thing that people don't really think about when they think stereotypical Aspie, they think somebody who speaks too loud or too fast or doesn't look people in the eye and uses big words with small gestures. But that's not me (anymore).


This makes a lot of sense. Children put a huge strain on any marriage, no matter how well people manage in the world. It sounds to me like she's got far too much to cope with because she's handling both you and the child, and doing it more or less on her own -- does she work outside the home, too?

What you guys may need is regular outside help with the housework and childcare, and if you're having trouble with executive-function stuff, you may need to find another adult to help with that rather than leaning on your wife. At the same time, with that burden lifted (though she'll still have the management job of making sure the hired help is doing what they're supposed to do, and that's not trivial), she needs to come to terms with the idea that this isn't going to change in you, and that the two of you have too much to handle. She should have professional help with this, because it sounds like it'll be a profound shift in the way she sees the rest of her life going, and that's a difficult thing emotionally.

Also...it does occur to me that she may not be well-acquainted with the concept of "can't". If she's very can-do, and has simply always jumped into things and managed, she may have some real issues with the idea of not-managing, particularly if the person who's not managing has the power to throw monkey wrenches into her life, often and unpredictably. It may not be a tolerable idea to her for a number of reasons, including a concept of herself as being someone who'll have a certain kind of life, marriage, family. She may have disability mixed up with weakness, irresponsibility, shame -- fine for other people, but certainly not something that describes her life. Any of those things can stop her from coming to grips with what's going on. And if she's at least a little honest, they're all susceptible to counseling.