if i dont figure out what's wrong. i know something is wrong but i dont know what. aspergers, social anxiety, obsessive compulsive, adhd, something else...seems like i have traits of each but none seem to fit me perfectly. ive always been a little weird...perfectionist as a child, a little obsessive compulsive, i was put into a gifted program in elementary school, and ive always been sort of quiet. maybe not so much at home when i was younger but definitely at school. now im quiet at both. i always thought it was shyness, but ive noticed that shy people act normal once they get accustomed to a setting. i dont really do that. i really thought it was probably asperger's but i started reading a book called "pretending to be normal" by lianne willey which is about her experience growing up with asperger's and it really didnt sound too much like me. some similarities but also alot of inconsistencies.
im in college right now and im doing fine in school gradewise although i think i could do alot better if i didnt have some of the problems i have.
im really absent minded. i make alot of careless mistakes. it takes me so much longer to do things then it does for most people...whether it is studying, laundry, or just taking a shower. i have to read and reread things over and over and go very slow when im studying say my chemistry textbook since my mind wanders alot and my mind just goes blank alot. i pretty much cant learn in lecture because i cant focus on what the professor is saying. he will say something and my mind won't comprehend and a second later ill try and replay what he said in my head to try and comprehend and when i do hes moved on and its too late. it makes it so i cant study in groups or even get help during office hours from a TA. i cant really think in the presence of others. and get really nervous. i always seem on edge, and my hands are often shaky. i also find lab extremely difficult. i can read and reread the lab manual and procedure and still not know what we're doing. when im in lab i feel clueless and take alot longer then most people. i think i pissed my TA off by asking alot of questions, which i know made me appear like a ditz but i just overanalyze things and secondguess myself alot. im horrible at decision making, since i have to analzye every outcome before i make a decision. i feel like i have very low common sense but i'd say i have an above average intelligence (at least in terms of say an iq test, my social iq is nonexistant). if a TA asks me a question in class about the material often my mind just goes blank, even on extremely easy things, and i am unable to answer. everyone else seems so much smarter, but then when tests come i often do much better than them. on my last final i got like 25% above average and scored the highest in my section despite the fact that sometimes i cant even answer the simple question when in class...my mind just goes blank. i feel like MY MIND IS SLOW.
im completely socially awkward. whenever i talk to people i often sense the people get uncomfortable. even if im just at the library checking out a book, the librarian will first be all friendly and smily and when i try and be friendly back and talk the smile goes away and they act a little awkward. ive looked into the mirror and kind of played out how i must look to people and i understand why they get awkard. even if i think im trying to smile my face looks emotionless and my smiles look fake. if i started talking to someone and they did what i did i would think they didnt want to talk to me. which in reality is kind of true...i dont really want to talk to them and i guess it shows. my facial expressions arent natural, ive been told my voice is monotone, and i dont really know how to make eye contact. just walking down the sidewalk between dorms i get nervous because i don't know if im supposed to look at other people or just stare straight ahead or just look down. a girlfriend is pretty much out of the question right now....unless she's crazy too. ive noticed that i dont really bond to people. i havent seen my parents in a long time and i dont really miss them. long time friends that go to the same college i really dont have any urge to see, and i think they've noticed it, and it doesnt seem like we are friends anymore...i guess i don't blame them. in high school i acted alot more normal and friendly, but in college ive learned just how different i am and ive withdrawn. i've been in college for like half a year now and havent made any real friends. some people call and ask to hang out but im really hesitant because then i will be introduced to their friends and i just dont know how to act in social situations and they'd probably think "who the hell is this crazy person". i get really stressed when someone calls and leaves a message because then i have to call them back. i feel like a freak and dont really know what to do. i dont have much money to spend and i dont know what to do or how to get some sort of diagnosis.
I NEED HELP. i feel lost right now, and im missing out on so much.
27 Jan 2007, 6:30 am
