Example of breakup in adult AS book... is this typical?

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Has anyone read the book, 'Solutions for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome' by Dr. Juanita P. Lovett? I bought it (among others) because I was together with a man with AS. In the first chapter, there's a section involving a man with AS whohas come into consuling with his wife, who he wants to divorce. He's been having an affair with another woman and can't understand why his wife is upset. He knows that his decision may be wrong, but once he's made up his mind, he just can't change it. He just wants to get the whole thing over with and has no conception of her hurt and the consequences. Ideally, he would like to like to live with both women and after a few months, figure out who he wants to stay with. The coldness and insensitivity of this really scares me.

The man that I was involved with acted sort of like this (I wrote about it in my post 'Just been dumped...' THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO REPLIED). Apart from his three-sentence email informing me that he found someone else, I never heard anything from him again.

As I said in my previous post, there was so much that I loved about him. I wouldn't rule out perhaps getting involved with an Aspie again, however, after what happened with him and reading about examples of men like the guy in the above book, I am very, very wary and scared of meeting someone like this again.

I know that NT guys can be cold and cruel, also. It's that I'm scared of the lack of empathy and
understanding, the complete unawareness, the detached way, etc. that was exhibited by my ex and other AS men in the book. The resistance or inability to change, even to try and work things out, scared me, also.

Do you think this is atypical behaviour? Have any Aspie guys out there dealt with a breakup or divorce like this? BTW, the book I mentioned, I think, is a great on explaining relationships and other adult issues.

greetings Riverdale.

Interesting.

vedy interesting.

However, my breakup was a bit odd.

I am a (guy) 19 year old freshman in college, who dated a 27 year (girl) old freshman. Her breakup came from the fact that she felt it just wasn't going to work out. we still were friends, then a month later, I sorta guess I did something wrong, by apparently pursuing her and apparently stalking her. she then preceded to hate me and say that she never liked me in the firisit place, the only reason she dated me was because of pressure from her roommate. she now hates me totally, but I don't really care.

Didn't Juanita Lovett write a book which received a lot of criticism?

Hi RiverDale,

I agree with you..I read lots of books on AS and in my opinion this book is by far the best. Its targeting the higher functioning ones...Adult issues..provides real solutions for real life problems..the author is an expert on her field..

But of course Aspies are different....when i look at myself i know that attaching myself emotinally to someone will always be hard, sometimes impossible....logic is what works with my mind..while love is not an easy concept...

Ayyyyy. how are you, friend? Its nice to hear you holding up well and that you're questioning your situation... i think the more we question, as people, the more we realize the mistakes our partners (or we made) and the pitfalls that never have to trap us again because we're wiser and better for it all...

i can relate to that feeling that the man in Dr. Juanita's book has.... the guy i like at work told me flat out he didn't want me and the way it rolled off his tongue was so vicious but the way he said it was matter-of-factly and singed me from head to toe... i think maybe some men with AS can press the panic button a little too quickly without thinking of the consequences the actions have on the involved party and without realizing that said actions were not so hot for the situation...

i think (and this is just my rationale here, folks) that maybe the reason your ex (and the man in the book) came off so cold and insensitive is that because some aren't as adept at knowing social norms they make decisions without thinking that they are wrong for the don't know what is right (not that they don't know morally... but just don't know any other way).....

there was so much i liked about "my guy" too....i can relate even more with you on this fact....if i could be honest with you riverdale (and i respect you very much) i think the same risk you take with NT's are the same you take with aspies and, in all honesty, i don't believe aspies can be anymore loyal than your average NT- i think that might be were you underestimated him (and i underestimated my guy) and i think that baited the trap... for both of us... we took risks and although they blew up in our faces it gives us the reality to make better relationships which i'm all for...

I think i read once that no two aspies are alike- so with the next guy maybe he'll be able to support every part of you in ways your ex didn't and remove you of the fear of you next partner not caring and being cold and cruel...i think as in any relationship it'll be hard work- but rewarding work and that you shouldn't let that fear of perhaps the next partners afflictions darken your heart in the least...

i honestly still like my aspie guy and i think i was offended that one day he basically told me to screw myself and is now working extra hard to be apart of my life... whatever the hell that means...i'm a big believer of once i get rejected then don't bother with me, in any context, ever again... yet he keeps popping into my life and spends whole days at work staring at me and coming near me (and staring down my boyfriend for that matter).... so i don't know what the hell any of that is but i'm learning to just be passive and let it roll off my shoulders...

btw, its nice to hear from you again!

I've always been the "dumper" except my first relationship. He said that he needed to focus on his schoolwork, and since he had been dating me, his grades were failing. He showed me all his bad grades. I got honour roll that term and offered to help him study, but he said, "That wouldn't work." Something about his ADHD. So I went home that day to contemplate this. I had been thinking about dumping him, because I felt bored and ignored, but I hadn't thought of a way to bring it up.

My next boyfriend and I dated for four years. He liked to play soccer, and worked for a automobile company. I was about 20 when he asked me to marry him. I didn't want to marry him, because he had a seizure and had been acting strangely ever since. When brain trauma occurs, personality can change. He turned into a real jerk and even hit me on one occasion. I paid his way so we could go on a vacation (a cruise) but all he did was gamble, gamble, gamble. At least he gambled enough to pay me back, geez. Also, he never wanted to have a sexual relation after he was put on his meds, not even on the cruise.

After that 4 year relationship, I met a new guy, and we had many similar interests. Made a bad choice and slept with him. Prior to taking his virginity, I stated our relationship was going to be sexual (friends with benefits) and he agreed to this. After about two weeks of this nonsense, he confesses his love for me. Basically, I didn't want to see him after that. Casual relationships for teh lose.

These are my thoughts on my breakups. I know I can be a cold person. I have never stepped out of any established relationship rules, at least. I made most everyone upset, but I'm not sure if one can always avoid that. Also, the man I dated for four years? I found this to be a little humourous, looking back: When I stated that our relationship was over, he began singing "Foreigner: Cold as Ice". Would have been cute under different circumstances.

Hey Riverdale!
Just got your PM!!
How've you been, friend?

It seems that the guy that was cruel to me now pays EXTRA attention to me.... in fact, the other day i was at my job with my now boyfriend and he was staring us both down but funny enough, i found that he was following us around the place and staring at me... i'm not quite sure i know what he's doing but i'm thinking either maybe he likes me and realizes that he made a mistake or he wants to know how deep the relationship is with my boyfriend so he can determine if theres a chance for him?..hmmmm lol i actually didn't know they weren't into playing head games- i knew they could be blunt (how true this is...lol especially when he turned me down)... its hard to ignore him because i feel everything in my heart is telling me to take him on... so i don't really know what i'll end up doing-- i guess i should just let time determine it for me? lol... so much confusion!

things are going okay with my boyfriend! he doesn't like that i still feel something for "my" aspie and he damn sure doesn't like going to my job getting stared down so the whole situation has him quite upset... in fact he thinks i'll leave him for "my" aspie... i don't really know what the hell i'm doing im just glad i'm not scheduled to work with "my" aspie again for a while because it'll give me some time to steer clear of thinking about it all... you are so true that NTs can be unfeeling as*holes.... i think no matter whether you're on the spectrum or not, deep down personal agendas don't stop even the most well-intentioned of people...now my question for you is did your ex know he had AS? did he let on to you that he might've known?

Can i tell you what i suspect? that perhaps he really did believe and was feeling that "he was such a geek,
he didn't know what he was doing, no one understood him, etc." but maybe once he found someone offline he jumped for the opportunity? i know with the boyfriend i had now (we met offline in case i didn't say) he was kind of playing both sides- he was online hitting on me and he was offline hitting on girls he knew... i don't believe he felt one shred of pity for the games he played with me... but then again he was 16 at the time and i was only 18 (although i didn't know that immeadiately- damned liars!! ! lol)... i know if i ever broke up with my boyfriend i'd probably never would do another online relationship because they are so very taxing to your heart and emotional stability....

I don't know about you but when i found out my now boyfriend had cheated on me (he's done it more times than he should've gotten away with) i needed details in order to put my heart at rest.... i'm just curious how they met? what the hell was so compelling about this other woman that he would toss away such a good relationship? i would need details to feel less bad about the whole situatiion... (ohhh i know i'm strange... i think i just like reveling in how bad i feel sometimes... )....i think its ridiculous.... so many complain of not having a relationship but then complain that they couldn't stay faithful... isn't that the whole beautiful part of a relationship? staying faithful and honeswt to the person that you're with? i think its a beautiful thing that you aren't just settling for whats going on, but you're digesting it and raising questions... we surely know it WASNT you who messed up... watch, he'll probably regret (if he doesn't already) his decision, i bet it!!

Awwww no problem friend! You've helped me far more than you know to figure out how i feel about my own situation and you've given me much perspective....which i certainly appreciate!