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lost561
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15 Oct 2013, 4:53 pm

Dox47 wrote:

That might work if I were only looking at things really short term, as in getting laid a couple of times, but would blow up in my face if I were trying for anything more serious, as it would very quickly become obvious that I'd lied. I'm okay with losing one potential date behind being honest, it's not like that was my only opportunity or something, I do quite well for myself in fact.


Yes but you were attracted and interested enough in this woman to try and keep talking to her. She is the one that dropped you. Getting laid would be successful in my eyes. And if she turned out to like you, there's always a possibility that she would overlook the whole gun thing. I think judging somebody on something like that is quite funny actually, but she probably has tons of other options on OK Cupid if she is attractive so she can afford to be picky that's why she is. Where as if she got to know you first and then found out about how you feel about guns she might be more forgiving. The same goes for telling people you have aspergers.. Same concept like we discussed earlier in this thread.


Dox47 wrote:
I'm not a conservative though, and I don't have a problem dating women who disagree with me; it's judgmental people that are the problem, and I doubt moving would fix that.


Im not saying you're a conservative, I'm just saying that conservative people generally are more in-line with your view on gun control. And since guns are such a big part of your life you might have a better chance of finding somebody in a different area with different demographics than the one you're in now (if you're in Seattle) because liberals tend to be more in favor of gun control just like this woman that rejected you because of your view on guns.

Just my advice. I'd either modify the way you come off as a heavy gun enthusiast or try to find somebody who likes guns and the women that like guns the most are country women. That's my strategy. Only trying to help.



leafplant
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15 Oct 2013, 4:59 pm

Dox47 wrote:
leafplant wrote:
Sorry for being nosy, but I can't help wondering - you must have your own set of deal breakers, would you feel comfortable sharing those?


Ironically, judgmental probably tops my own list, although heavily religious also makes me pretty wary. I'm also very cautious with vegans, as I cook professionally and meat is a big part of what I do.


And how do you stand on irony? Just kidding.

Just for the general thread information, I would agree with everyone who said that this lady was out of order bombarding you with anti-gun propaganda, she could have just gracefully tapped out; however people can feel very passionate about some subjects and forget themselves.


Anyhooo..happy hunting



octobertiger
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15 Oct 2013, 5:02 pm

lost561 wrote:

I know leaf plant, januaryman, octobertiger, tea earl grey, & Shatbat are going to disagree with me but if it were me in that situation I would have said that I don't have an opinion on gun control. And if she insisted on you telling her one way or the other than tell her that you would prefer that the government not interfere with your right to own a firearm.



Don't think that's entirely fair. I'll disagree with you if I disagree with what you are saying or how you are saying it, it's as simple as that. And I agree when I think you're making a sound point. I'd hope it would be the other way around for you as well, but that's your prerogative.

In your point, I think you are trying to see a different picture, and who says dating has to be about finding someone who holds the same convictions as yourself, so in a way, I agree - it depends on the person.

I don't understand the gun culture in America, so I wouldn't agree or disagree with that. But I grew up in Northern Ireland, there was a gun in my house, I had relatives shot dead and blown up (which will change the way that anyone sees arms), and let's just say I have my own opinion on firearms in that culture that I wouldn't necessarily translate into another context - especially when I know absolutely nothing about it. I understand the American constitution talks about the right to bear arms. That's about the limits of my knowledge.

I think on another thread, I said that the person is dating someone based on their qualities first and foremost. An animal rights activist isn't necessarily a kind person, a feminist isn't necessarily strident, and a marksman isn't necessarily cruel.



TeaEarlGreyHot
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15 Oct 2013, 5:26 pm

How to use OKCupid as a woman:

Don't.


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Yuzu
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15 Oct 2013, 7:40 pm

Dox47 wrote:
I have a big pet peeve about people using political disagreement as an excuse for personal hatred, but rather than become what I despise, I date on a politics-blind basis and demonstrate that there's a lot more to people than how they vote. In my case, I call it the "gay son effect", because I soft-peddle my own politics until I feel the person is comfortable with me, at which point it's harder to depersonalize me because of something I think, like the cliche of the homophobe getting over it when he finds he has a gay son.

Would this "gay son effect" work for homophobes? What if someone you get along with reveals that they hate gays. You still "get over it" and continue to be friends with them? I don't know about you but there are some things I simply cannot "get over".

Dox47 wrote:
Yuzu wrote:
When I get messages from right wing guys it always confuses me why they are messaging me. I guess a lot of people don't look through the answers or disregard the matching percentages.


Maybe they don't think your politics are the most important thing about you?

Obviously.
I used to put in "message me if section", "if you are a liberal. And if you own a gun, we would not get along".
Now I don't have anything but maybe I should put it back in.



yellowtamarin
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15 Oct 2013, 10:54 pm

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
How to use OKCupid as a woman:

Don't.

Aw :(



Dox47
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16 Oct 2013, 3:22 am

lost561 wrote:
Yes but you were attracted and interested enough in this woman to try and keep talking to her. She is the one that dropped you.


Ehh, I'm attracted to and interested in a lot of women, I'm not too broken up about losing out on this one, and I'm not so thin skinned as to be upset about the whole thing, just moderately annoyed / disappointed.

lost561 wrote:
Getting laid would be successful in my eyes.


I don't think I can put this anyway that doesn't sound cocky, so I won't even try; getting laid is not particularly difficult for me, and I don't feel the need to fling myself and every woman in my general vicinity. Ironically, women seem to like this trait in me, increasing my chances of getting laid vs said bodily flinging technique.

lost561 wrote:
And if she turned out to like you, there's always a possibility that she would overlook the whole gun thing.


Well yeah, that's been my entire point, I'm just not willing to lie in order to maybe sleep with this particular women a couple of times, I don't think that lemon is worth the squeeze.

lost561 wrote:
I think judging somebody on something like that is quite funny actually, but she probably has tons of other options on OK Cupid if she is attractive so she can afford to be picky that's why she is.


Well, intolerant liberals are always good for a hypocrisy laugh, but really, this just isn't that big a deal to me, just a flirtation that didn't work out, happens all the time. She's welcome to the pick of OKC, that's her prerogative.

lost561 wrote:
Im not saying you're a conservative, I'm just saying that conservative people generally are more in-line with your view on gun control. And since guns are such a big part of your life you might have a better chance of finding somebody in a different area with different demographics than the one you're in now (if you're in Seattle) because liberals tend to be more in favor of gun control just like this woman that rejected you because of your view on guns.


I think you've got the wrong idea, that I own guns and enjoy them is a facet of my life, it doesn't define it, any more than my AS does. It certainly doesn't cause me enough problems to consider moving, like I keep saying, this is the first time it's *ever* affected my romantic life.

lost561 wrote:
Just my advice. I'd either modify the way you come off as a heavy gun enthusiast


IRL I don't, you're just used to seeing me on here where I debate the issue constantly because I'm the most knowledgeable person on the board in that area. You'll certainly never see pictures of me shooting or mention of my gun collection on any of my online profiles, like I keep mentioning, I'm extremely aware of the negative assumptions people make about guys who are into guns, so I hold that back until people get to know me, just like my AS. I just happened to get cornered this one time by someone who was unusually aggressive, and I shared the story so that others could learn, not because I was soliciting advice.


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Dox47
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16 Oct 2013, 3:35 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
How to use OKCupid as a woman:

Don't.


Do you prefer another site, or do you just not like dating sites period?


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Dox47
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16 Oct 2013, 3:55 am

Yuzu wrote:
Would this "gay son effect" work for homophobes? What if someone you get along with reveals that they hate gays. You still "get over it" and continue to be friends with them? I don't know about you but there are some things I simply cannot "get over".


I have all sorts of friends who I have various disagreements with; I'm not sure if any of them are homophobes specifically, but I wouldn't rule it out. I actually had a few in my family, it didn't make me love them any less, they just grew up in a different time and place and never learned any better. I suppose you could say that I practice a secular variation of hating the sin and not the sinner. I'm usually more interested in why someone thinks a certain way than I am in judging and condemning them for a "wrong" belief.

Also, did you miss the fact that I named the "gay son effect" specifically for homophobes?

Yuzu wrote:
I used to put in "message me if section", "if you are a liberal. And if you own a gun, we would not get along".
Now I don't have anything but maybe I should put it back in.


You wouldn't get along with Martin Luther King? He packed heat. So did ultra liberal Dennis Kucinich, and even anti-gun Senator Dianne Feinstein used to carry, until the gun rights people pointed out the hypocrisy there, plenty of other liberals too. What exactly does someone's ownership of a gun tell you about them and whether you'd get along? By the same token, what does someone's lack of liberalism tell you about their personality?


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TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Oct 2013, 3:56 am

Dox47 wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
How to use OKCupid as a woman:

Don't.


Do you prefer another site, or do you just not like dating sites period?


I haven't had much luck finding anyone interested in anything more than a meaningless hookup. Most of the messages I get are from men that say only "hay qtie pie! u sexay,lol" or some variation thereof, which proves they didn't bother reading my profile. I answered that "You should message me if:" section with "You have something more to say than 'hi'."

I'm not really against the whole idea, and I'm honestly not interested enough to try another site. I was just being self-deprecating.


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Schneekugel
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16 Oct 2013, 4:22 am

You say its overrated of her to stop writing with each others, because not agreeing with you on the gun topic. I agree with you, that simply stopping to message without an explanation and Goodbye is a sign of bad manners.

Still, were you willing to give that acceptance to her oppinions? If I met someone being really into guns, by doing this for job, collecting guns, ... my thoughts were less about this person automatically being a bad person, but more if there is a chance for an shared future? Normally, if engaging into an relationship, sooner or later you want to live together. So just as you blame her now, for not accepting your oppinion, would you have been able to accept her oppinion that she wouldnt want to have a gun in the house/flat, in which she were living?

Accepting oppinions of other people, that dont have an effect on your own life is easy. But when living in an shared home, its not about theoretical accepting of oppinions, but about material consequences in the meaning "Will we have guns at home or not." Specially, when its additionaly your hobby, I dont see how that shall work for both being happy. Negotiating someone about a weapon he only wears out of security reasons is one thing. But telling someone to give up his best hobby, that gives him joy and relax time, simply sucks and I wouldnt want to do so. :(



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16 Oct 2013, 4:36 am

I know lost's idea about simply not putting info in your profile so you can be more agreeable doesn't sound sincere, but he's at least being honest about it. I've busted 2 of my friends now for doing this.. They've barely filled their profiles in other than to say they work, they do exercise and have a place. They then message girls and say they like the same things -_-.... and you know what's the worst bit??? It works. Honesty, however much we Aspies value it doesn't seem to pay off.

A lot of guys simply don't answer the questions because the more you answer the less chances you have. It's actually counter productive in many ways because while we are more accepting of alternate views, it doesn't work the other way round. Yes it will match you with more people but those people will turn you away over the most petty things like if you were okay with dating x and x people (even if that means they would date them!). or what kind of popcorn they eat etc. on top of that, if a girl answers a lot of questions it's cute and us guys will read them..if a guy answers too many questions it's seen as us having too much time on our hands.

My personal advice to guys about these stupid survey questions? DON'T answer ANY of them! Instead, find a girl that fits you best in terms of of those questions and initiate contact with her. If those things come up at least you won't have to lie about them in order to stay on good terms. If you really must answer questions, make them all irrelevant and goofy ones. Girls, if you find you are not getting any hits and you've answered a lot of questions? Same thing. Guys might assume you're very picky , and likely to reject them over the slightest thing, even though all you're doing is what everyone else is doing which is answering the questions normally. The male ego is easier to bruise than we make out.

Well, that's my 2 cents! :lol:



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16 Oct 2013, 4:53 am

I dont blame anyone for being honest. Maybe I have described it wrong. Its not about "punishing" someone on purpose for thinking else. But simply about not seeing a future together and so no sense to go on having flirting contact. So lets say it works good, so you two fall in love with each other, decide to live together.

Whats now, forbidding my partner his most important hobby. - Sucks.

Living separated? - Sucks too.

As long as its about interests that can be separated, acceptance is totally sufficient. God I think football is totally lame and a waste of time, but because of my partner not needing me to watch football, I can accept that without problems. While when it comes to things, that involves two of them, simply acceptance is not sufficient. If an potential partner is deep into religion and thinks conceiving-prevention is evil...thats simply definitly affecting me as well. I would not decide not do date that guy to punish him,or because his general opinion about that topic, but simply because I dont want to be responsible for 15 kids.

Just like I can accept someones general oppinion to feel more safe with an weapon, when living in certain areas and so on. But I simply wouldnt want to have one in my own home. Thats not about another person or my acceptance upon this other person oppinion, but simply about me being affected in an way, that I dont want. I dont want 13 kids on my own, which does not mean in any way, that I wouldnt accept others desire and joy about children. And I dont want a weapon in my house right now, which doesnt mean in any way, that I wouldnt accept others feelings about it.

Some oppinions are without problem acceptable, but simply not agreeable when living together as a couple, sharing your life.



Dox47
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16 Oct 2013, 5:04 am

TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
I haven't had much luck finding anyone interested in anything more than a meaningless hookup. Most of the messages I get are from men that say only "hay qtie pie! u sexay,lol" or some variation thereof, which proves they didn't bother reading my profile. I answered that "You should message me if:" section with "You have something more to say than 'hi'."


Ahh. I alternate between being embarrassed by other members of my gender and being grateful that their bad behavior makes things like using proper spelling and punctuation and not leading with dick pics "stand out" features. I'm a glass half full kind of guy. :lol:


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16 Oct 2013, 5:07 am

leafplant wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
The irony of many who call themself liberals is that when it comes to accepting other opinions or being open minded they are not a liberal person.
What that person did was rather ignorant, and unnecessary. All they had to do was not respond. Then again, I personally would have told them they can find out more about me in person as your profile is long enough ;)


you think ignoring someone is an acceptable behaviour? As in, you are IMing happily back and forth, then a question comes up, you answer it and never hear from them again. You think that's better?



I personally prefer a "no, not interested" response and a brief why if possible, ignoraning is the peak of direspect in my opinion. The least sign of respect for another human being is acknowledging his/her existence.
The digital generation seems have developed a new sense that it's ok to ignore someone to his face.

Like when you send a message/questions to someone on okc, he checks your profile (it does notify you) but completely ignores your reasonable message - that's equal to ignoring you to your face. It's exactly like he passed by you and ghosted you even after talking to him.
I am excluding the harassment cases of course.

That's why I always describe women on dating sites as employers - adopting the "only short listed would be contacted" policy, and hey... a lot of employers don't view employees as humans, go figure. :lol:

I like it how (based on observation) culturally-Asian girls always respond even if it's a no, that's something it distincts them from others.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 16 Oct 2013, 5:18 am, edited 2 times in total.

TeaEarlGreyHot
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16 Oct 2013, 5:16 am

Dox47 wrote:
TeaEarlGreyHot wrote:
I haven't had much luck finding anyone interested in anything more than a meaningless hookup. Most of the messages I get are from men that say only "hay qtie pie! u sexay,lol" or some variation thereof, which proves they didn't bother reading my profile. I answered that "You should message me if:" section with "You have something more to say than 'hi'."


Ahh. I alternate between being embarrassed by other members of my gender and being grateful that their bad behavior makes things like using proper spelling and punctuation and not leading with dick pics "stand out" features. I'm a glass half full kind of guy. :lol:


Definitely one way to look at it. :lol:


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