I'm so sick of this whole aspie women have it easier crap

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Eureka13
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03 Jan 2014, 6:40 pm

billiscool wrote:
mouthyb wrote:

I am an Aspie woman. I get dates very easily, even though I don't believe I'm all that attractive, mostly because I listen to people when they talk. People find me fairly easy to talk to, mostly because I focus on them when they talk, ask leading questions and practice certain non-verbal behaviors I've learned, like leaning in slightly, occasional eye contact, and small smiles. I'm sh** at flirting (if I am attracted to them in the slightest, I'm awkward as hell until it makes it into the bedroom), but because I listen to people when they talk, they find themselves talking more. They feel like I care or I believe they're important. After awhile, they realize they feel comfortable, and believe it or not, finding someone comfortable for them to talk to makes a huge difference--yes, even for men. I've also spent years honing my ability to make witty remarks and be funny. Those don't hurt.

I don't date what people persist in thinking of as "alphas". I like nerds, geeks, weirdos and people who are otherwise not what the larger society would think of as being socially adept. Since my interests are kinky, as well as my autism and the residuals of a really shitty childhood, I have a MUCH smaller dating pool than most women. I date physicists, mathematicians, theorists of all stripes and computer scientists, fer christ's sake--wanna talk about an awkward population?

again,a person who can get dates,sex,have a fwb is not equal to a person who can't
attract anyone at all.


Note her description of the behavior that gets her dates - actually demonstrating interest in what the other person is saying....... :wink:



mouthyb
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03 Jan 2014, 6:45 pm

Eureka: Yep. I'm saying I took steps to become more attractive to others, including learning body language and behaviors which aid that sort of endeavor. I also learned not to resent those behaviors--why resent the rain for falling, the earth for turning and society for demanding I adapt. Seriously, we ALL have to learn to do things we wouldn't otherwise do to attract others.

billiscool: Dude, even women have to learn behaviors suitable for attracting others. Everyone has to adapt.


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billiscool
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03 Jan 2014, 6:59 pm

mouthyb wrote:

billiscool: Dude, even women have to learn behaviors suitable for attracting others. Everyone has to adapt.


my point stand,the ability to get dates is better than people who can't.



mouthyb
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03 Jan 2014, 7:12 pm

billiscool: My point is that in order to get dates, everyone but very few people should expect to have to adapt as necessary, and not to get angry at the world for not "providing" them a date.

If that avatar is you, it's not like you're bad looking....


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billiscool
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03 Jan 2014, 7:23 pm

mouthyb wrote:
billiscool

If that avatar is you, it's not like you're bad looking....


yep,that's me.



Eureka13
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03 Jan 2014, 9:39 pm

mouthyb wrote:
Eureka: Yep. I'm saying I took steps to become more attractive to others, including learning body language and behaviors which aid that sort of endeavor. I also learned not to resent those behaviors--why resent the rain for falling, the earth for turning and society for demanding I adapt. Seriously, we ALL have to learn to do things we wouldn't otherwise do to attract others.

billiscool: Dude, even women have to learn behaviors suitable for attracting others. Everyone has to adapt.


Exactly. Mouthyb: It took me longer than it took you to learn these adaptive behaviors - I think I was in my mid-40s before I learned these things. When I was in my 20s, I couldn't get a date to save my life. I met my first husband (when I was 31) through a mutual friend, and he was just as geeky and socially awkward as I was, so we got married because we both thought we'd never be able to "get" someone else. It was awful and only lasted two years.

It's still not easy finding men that I actually enjoy being with (I seem to have absolutely nothing in common with at least 95% of the population, male or female), but at least I finally figured out how to imitate someone who can socialize. That, and that alone, is what makes me "dateable." Not the fact that I am female.



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03 Jan 2014, 11:26 pm

Eureka: I figured it out a bit earlier, but mostly in self-defense. I don't think of myself as particularly attractive, but a certain subset of men seem to think so (nerdy, older, kinky) and some kinds of women (younger, blue collar, kinky).

I'm geeky and couldn't get a date from my own high school to save my life because I'm "weird" and "intimidating", but older men really liked me as a group. I picked up skills from them ranging from social skills to self-defense, in part to stave off the creepy ones. (Sometimes older meant a year or two, which is fine. Sometimes it meant old enough to be my father, which is not okay but happened rather a lot during my late teens and twenties. I spent a lot of time getting groped and hitting people growing up.)

Creepy attention, however, is not sincere dating attention, of which I got a rather small amount.

In the defense of kids in my high school, it takes a sledgehammer to flirt with me most of the time, because I have no idea what the hell someone is on about. I assume they're talking to someone else and I try to move out of their way so they can go about flirting with the woman behind me. Or I assume they just want to talk to someone and so I listen. I hear a lot of people's life stories if I sit in coffee shops or public for long.

Generally speaking, I have trouble noticing until someone says something blunt. Or, in the case of my current partner, picks a fight with me, the sneaky bugger (I like a challenge.)

I agree: I'd rather be lonely than in a shitty relationship. Being female is not what gets me asked out--I alienate people regularly enough to tell me that it's not effortless for me to find dates. I'm way more interesting online (not coincidentally how I often get a date.) I also have very little in common with most people, so I'm always pleasantly surprised when I get along with people. :lol:


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savvyidentity
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04 Jan 2014, 1:45 am

billiscool wrote:

again,a person who can get dates,sex,have a fwb is not equal to a person who can't
attract anyone at all.


I agree with that.

When you think about it, can anyone really say "I am having dates that often lead to sex, or I'll be seeing someone, but I have it no better than you really.", it's plain faced dishonesty to say that your 'part success' is just as bad as 'no success'. If you ask yourself the following question - "As a rule do NT women find it easier to date and have long-term partners than me?" you kind of see the point. The results speak for themselves.



em_tsuj
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04 Jan 2014, 2:55 am

mouthyb wrote:
Eureka: Yep. I'm saying I took steps to become more attractive to others, including learning body language and behaviors which aid that sort of endeavor. I also learned not to resent those behaviors--why resent the rain for falling, the earth for turning and society for demanding I adapt. Seriously, we ALL have to learn to do things we wouldn't otherwise do to attract others.

billiscool: Dude, even women have to learn behaviors suitable for attracting others. Everyone has to adapt.



Words of wisdom



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05 Jan 2014, 4:38 pm

Want words of wisdom? Be happy. It usually helps a lot.


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em_tsuj
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05 Jan 2014, 9:56 pm

appletheclown wrote:
Want words of wisdom? Be happy. It usually helps a lot.


More wisdom!



Crazygirl79
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06 Jan 2014, 3:08 pm

I'm an Aspie woman and I'm sick of this stereotype as well, not ALL Aspie women have it easier just like not ALL Aspie men have it harder.

Everyone is different and those with AS or whatever express their condition and personalities differently...

S



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06 Jan 2014, 6:44 pm

I'm curious... how is it not considered 'easier' when the norm in society is that the male approaches the female and she gets the say in if it becomes a date/relationship/whatever?

Yes, you may get approached by creeps or guys just after a one night stand. You may get approached by guys you wouldn't even touch with a 10ft pole. You may get approached by guys that you have no interest on. Point is: You get approached and you decide.

From the male perspective you either succeed or blow it on the approach phase. It takes a tremendous amount of social performance to succeed and it is precisely the area AS cripples.

Disclaimer: What happens DURING a relationship/date is EQUALLY hard for both sexes with AS.



Eureka13
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06 Jan 2014, 6:53 pm

Everyone has been talking about the 'norm' for males approaching females. I haven't really paid attention, because it's true - that is the generally accepted perception of what is the 'norm' for dating.

But then I started thinking back, and I realized that in all but one relationship I've had, I have been the one to do the approaching/initiating. So now I'm wondering if that is truly uncommon, or if there are a lot of other women who have been the ones to do the approaching/initiating.



leafplant
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06 Jan 2014, 7:04 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Everyone has been talking about the 'norm' for males approaching females. I haven't really paid attention, because it's true - that is the generally accepted perception of what is the 'norm' for dating.

But then I started thinking back, and I realized that in all but one relationship I've had, I have been the one to do the approaching/initiating. So now I'm wondering if that is truly uncommon, or if there are a lot of other women who have been the ones to do the approaching/initiating.


I think in civilized parts of the world (i.e. Not Lebanon and Southern States of USA), it's probably equally split between sexes in terms of approaching. But, as always, on the WHOLE of the PLANET, regardless of cognitive impairments, men just whine, whinge and bemoan a lot more than women do, on all topics, including dating. They truly are the the weaker sex. :roll:



appletheclown
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06 Jan 2014, 7:08 pm

leafplant wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
Everyone has been talking about the 'norm' for males approaching females. I haven't really paid attention, because it's true - that is the generally accepted perception of what is the 'norm' for dating.

But then I started thinking back, and I realized that in all but one relationship I've had, I have been the one to do the approaching/initiating. So now I'm wondering if that is truly uncommon, or if there are a lot of other women who have been the ones to do the approaching/initiating.


I think in civilized parts of the world (i.e. Not Lebanon and Southern States of USA), it's probably equally split between sexes in terms of approaching. But, as always, on the WHOLE of the PLANET, regardless of cognitive impairments, men just whine, whinge and bemoan a lot more than women do, on all topics, including dating. They truly are the the weaker sex. :roll:

You love to rattle the cages don't you?


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