Pressure for grandchildren

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I was curious to know if any other Aspies on this forum, who are perhaps 30-ish like me, or older, are coming under parental pressure to produce grandchildren for their parents?

If so how is it affecting you and your situation? I certainly don't see myself having children any time soon, my level of skill with women and lack of chances I have with them certainly makes it difficult to find a partner any time soon, let alone comply with my parents' demands for grandchildren. Not that I would have kids simply to comply with their wishes anyway

i split up with my long term girlfriend last year, and the amount of hassle my mother would give us about this very topic was not even funny. being an only child made it even worse. i'm her only hope for grandkids! i really don't know if i ever see myself having children to be honest. i just find it hard to even imagine it.

My mother-in-law pressures us for kids, but since I have Asperger's on my side, and on his side of the family his sister has a son with PDD-NOS, I think we can safely say that if we had a kid it would be somewhere on the spectrum. That's kind of my defense now to anyone who pesters me about it.

I hate this. I'm only 24 and my mum's desperate already. If I get diagnosed with AS (still waiting for an assessment after 2yrs) it will be a useful excuse, as there is a very strong family history on my mums side of the family, possibly my fathers' side as well, and I tend to go out with guys who are on or near the spectrum (this isn't a concious choice). I'm not particularly maternal in my outlook and I think it would be very cruel to bring a child into the world when it would likely grow up to be lonely and rejected by society as something defective. I have no wish to inflict the sort of cruelty required to make it "normal" and don't particularly wish to devote 18 years of my life to raising it anyway, yet still I get pestered by my parents.

Why do you go out with guys on the spectrum? Just curious, if it isn't a concious choice.

Steve

I've no idea. I don't know if its as a result of the "socialisation" I recieved as a child or if its genetically pre-programmed- I don't actually go out looking for these guys. I am interested in geneology, and looking at my family tree I have noticed that my relatives and ancestors (both genders) have had a strong tendancy to pick unusual people (that's putting it very mildly). I find it difficult to characterise the traits that make certain men more attractive to me than others, as it varies from guy to guy, but I'd say the main ones are as follows:

1. Kindness
2. Intelligence
3. Interesting hobbies, interests and conversational topics.
4. Affectionate nature (although some of the guys I've liked or been with have been the exact opposite)
5. Symmetrical face and body (this isn't conciously chosen).
6. Tall (not true in every case)
7. Not obese (cuddly is fine, its "beer bellies" that I don't like)
8. A sense that he values me and is interested in me as a person.
9. His smell. I know this must sound weird, but it's often the first thing I notice. There isn't a particular smell I favour, its just something that becomes apparent to me when I like someone. Often before I realise that I like them. Sometimes I can tell if he's been in a room several minutes after he's left it. If a guy regularly wears aftershave or another scent then this doesn't work. I've never gone out with or fancied anyone who wears a scent- coincidence?

The first four and number eight are what I conciously find attractive, the rest I think is just biological. Personally I find the whole thing disturbing- I have very little sucess with men. My relationships usually either fizzle out or end in disaster due to lack of communication and/or emotional intimacy (on my part as well as his, I'm not trying to blame males with AS for my mistakes and ineptitude). Either that or there is no relationship, just a long-term infatuation on my part as I either lack the confidence to ask the guy out or don't know when to do so, or the guy isn't interested. I don't know how to stop these infatuations (although I do manage to avoid blatant stalking), and I really wish I could, it hurts badly. I wish I knew how to transfer my feelings to a guy who actually likes me.

Anyway, this is a bit off topic for this thread.

Fortunately, I didn't get the pressure for grandchildren from my side. I told them at eight I wasn't having children and they didn't question it. Personally, I think they would have fallen over in a faint if I had suddenly decided I wanted them. Added to which, I made sure, as soon as possible, that I could not have children.


My husband's family didn't take it so well. They put pressure on for awhile. I'm not certain why since I told my husband when he wanted to get married that I would never have children and if he even brought up the subject, I would divorce him. (I didn't see marriage as too important either, so I wasn't about to negotiate something so important.) He's OCD and children are too noisy and chaotic for him, so he didn't care. Actually, they are too noisy, chaotic and needy for me, so we match well this way.


My greatest pressure on this subject is from the outside NTs. It's going to get worse as you get older, trust me. People are rude and ask you straight out why you don't have them, why are you so selfish, blah blah blah. You'll have to find your own best way to deal with it. I got tired of trying to figure out a nice way to explain that it wasn't selfish, I just didn't want them so I wouldn't inflict them with a mother who didn't want them (makes sense, right? Why would you do that to a child?). Eventually, I just told them I was sterilized to shut them up, but then they would just say, Well, you could adopt (right about now I'm wondering why it is people think we need to adapt to the NT world. Does this make sense to anyone?). Finally, I just got to the point where I would say, You know what? If I got pregnant, I'd abort it. Why would I adopt a kid when I feel that way? THAT put a halt to all of that nonsense. One time of getting that reply and they quit for good.


I always thought this issue was worse for women who didn't want kids because we're supposed to have all these maternal and nuturing feelings (which I don't in the least). When you don't have those, first of all they don't believe you and second of all they think you are a cold-hearted witch with a capital B. That prejudice against women like me goes on throughout our lives. It's the extra level we get, I suppose. I'm sure the guys get something else instead to make up for it (goody for us, right?).

I never wanted kids either, at least not for the past 15 years. When I was a kid, I grew up in a very authoritarian family; my parents were very strict, controlling, and overprotective. As a result, I harbored fantasies about how I'm going to spank, punish, and yell at my kids when I have them; basically, take out what's been building up inside me. As I got older, I realized that it would be simply cruel to do that to a child. So I simply decided not to have kids at all. My NT older sister already has a family of her own, so my parents already have the grandchildren they wanted. So when I told them I'm planning to never have kids, they were very calm about it: "whatever, it's your decision", they said. I already decided what I'm going to do with my assets, since there won't be kids to give them to: I'll give half to be evenly distributed among my living relatives, and donate the rest to a synagogue. I'm still planning to get married, although it'll take some effort to find a woman with the same attitude as mine.

My parents have made it very clear that even if my brother has children, it "won't be the same" as me having them, and not good enough to keep them happy. Is this a result of different social pressures on men and women, or do my parents just have a bizarre attitude? They seem to think it's a normal attitude to have.

I've been getting a little pressure from my mom. But she's backed off lately as we've started seeing a fertility specialist. I'm 36 and my wife is 33. Because of my age and my family history (I'm certain my dad and his mom had at least mild AS) I'm pretty sure my children will be somewhere on the spectrum.

Ironicly, my wife's mom is perfectly fine with no grandkids. She remarried and had two daughters with the new hubby that are still in high school. I don't think she would handle being a grandma very well.

I think that you are giving them more credit for rational reasoning on this subject than they give it. Tell them to list their reasons in writing and see how many of those are actually reasons they came up with based on logic. My guess would be zero. The list will probably look like the following:

1. You should.

2. Everyone does it.

3. It's the normal thing to do.

4. I don't want to look strange to my friends because my daughter has no desire to be a mother.

5. You'll feel differently when the child is here, you'll see.

6. You are just overthinking it. Just have the kid.

7. We need our specific genetic material to go on. (They don't say this exactly. It's always something to the effect of when it's your own, it's different.)

8. We want you to do something completely normal for once in your life so we can have a momentary feeling of being normal parents.

9. Having a kid will force you to give up this crazy fantasy and obsessive life you have and force you to focus on a child and be more normal.

10. Every woman wants a child.


Basically, they are thinking about themselves, not you and certainly not the poor child. If you don't want one, don't have it. Your parents are adults, they can live with it. Their whims are no reason to impose the challenges of life on a child. Now, if you really want to have one or you think you might at sometime, completely different story. By all means, go ahead. But if you don't, do not inflict a child with a parent who never wanted it. I grew up with a mother who didn't want children and had them because society and her parents demanded it. No child deserves that.

I'd agree with that. So far they've give me reasons 1, 2, 3, 5, 7 and 10. I like to point out to them that the rest of my family are breeding like rabbits (amongst my cousins: several families with 2 kids, 2 with 4 kids and one with 6!) so our DNA isn't going to die out any time soon. My stepdad also tries guilt tripping me by saying that the issue's hurting my mums feelings (is this really worth inflicting a lifetime of suffering on an innocent child and ruining my life in the process?). They also tell me that I'll regret it if I don't. I've offered a compromise- that I'll donate some eggs to an IVF clinic so someone else can have kids using my genetic material (and I could donate any leftovers for stem cell research), but, alas, not good enough.

My dad jokes about it now, although I doubt he would try to pressure me even if I were older, despite the fact that I am an only child as well. I don't have any intention to have kids any time in the future (I started a thread about this before), and definitely wouldn't have one just to please my parents.

I have nine grandkids, and soon they'll be thinking about kids of their own.

I must ask: can Mother Earth support any more people?

Enjoy the children we have but don't put pressure on them to produce their own.

I say there are all ready lots of humans. I do not need to help add to the gene pool. As for them wanting grandkids they sould see all human kids as their grandkids and get over their egos about pasting on their bit of code and look at the bigger picture of humans as a speices on Planet Earth We are in little danger of going away.

meh, am I the only one who wouldn't mind having a kid? Well, I guess I'm still young yet.