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mikassyna
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01 Oct 2013, 11:28 am

Hi everyone

I have a little problem and I've managed to just about get around it but I think it probably causes some tension between my mother-in-law and me, even though she already doesn't like me much but I think this might contribute even more, though I'm not sure.

She wants me to call her by her name. I hate her name. It sounds like a witch's name. And even though she seems like a witch, I just don't want to say her name. It it complicated and harsh. So, I call her what my children call her (which also my husband does too at times, if he doesn't call her "Ma"). I don't want to be the only one calling her by her first name, and so formally at that. Not only does it feel foreign (which she is) but she doesn't insist on anyone else calling her that in the family. I learned to avoid calling her anything if at all possible but that makes things complicated in certain situations. At a time long ago I might have hoped she'd ask me to call her "Mom" like most nice mother-in-laws do, but our relationship is so strained I don't even want to call her that either anymore. Sometimes I just introduce her by her title (my mother-in-law, or Mrs. #######--which also seems weird because now we share that title, ugh).

Anyone else deal with this kind of thing? What do you do?



Thelibrarian
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01 Oct 2013, 11:49 am

mikassyna wrote:
Hi everyone

I have a little problem and I've managed to just about get around it but I think it probably causes some tension between my mother-in-law and me, even though she already doesn't like me much but I think this might contribute even more, though I'm not sure.

She wants me to call her by her name. I hate her name. It sounds like a witch's name. And even though she seems like a witch, I just don't want to say her name. It it complicated and harsh. So, I call her what my children call her (which also my husband does too at times, if he doesn't call her "Ma"). I don't want to be the only one calling her by her first name, and so formally at that. Not only does it feel foreign (which she is) but she doesn't insist on anyone else calling her that in the family. I learned to avoid calling her anything if at all possible but that makes things complicated in certain situations. At a time long ago I might have hoped she'd ask me to call her "Mom" like most nice mother-in-laws do, but our relationship is so strained I don't even want to call her that either anymore. Sometimes I just introduce her by her title (my mother-in-law, or Mrs. #######--which also seems weird because now we share that title, ugh).

Anyone else deal with this kind of thing? What do you do?


If you want to get along with her, I would call her what she wants to be called. An acceptable alternative would be Mrs. XXXX. But that's very formal, and hence the same as telling her you regard her as an acquaintance or stranger. It should be one of the two though.



mikassyna
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01 Oct 2013, 12:36 pm

Thelibrarian wrote:
If you want to get along with her, I would call her what she wants to be called. An acceptable alternative would be Mrs. XXXX. But that's very formal, and hence the same as telling her you regard her as an acquaintance or stranger. It should be one of the two though.


It sounds so simple... I only wish it felt that way!

Her telling me to use her full first name feels much more formal. Her other relatives call her by a variant of her name. I'd be the only one calling her by her full first name. If I heard other people calling her by that name it wouldn't feel so weird or probably even sound so weird. When she first told me her name I committed a major faux pas and laughed because I really thought she was pulling my leg and asked her to tell me what her real name was. I saw she was serious and felt bad but I just couldn't undo the damage. Now it makes me wonder if she wants to make me say her full name just to punish me. Ugh. 8O



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01 Oct 2013, 12:42 pm

mikassyna wrote:
Thelibrarian wrote:
If you want to get along with her, I would call her what she wants to be called. An acceptable alternative would be Mrs. XXXX. But that's very formal, and hence the same as telling her you regard her as an acquaintance or stranger. It should be one of the two though.


It sounds so simple... I only wish it felt that way!

Her telling me to use her full first name feels much more formal. Her other relatives call her by a variant of her name. I'd be the only one calling her by her full first name. If I heard other people calling her by that name it wouldn't feel so weird or probably even sound so weird. When she first told me her name I committed a major faux pas and laughed because I really thought she was pulling my leg and asked her to tell me what her real name was. I saw she was serious and felt bad but I just couldn't undo the damage. Now it makes me wonder if she wants to make me say her full name just to punish me. Ugh. 8O


I understand completely. In the late nineties I almost married a girl from a wealthy Italian family in Brooklyn. I called her father Mr. XXX; and her mother Ms XXX. Why? Because they referred to me as that G-d d--ned redneck. Good luck to you....



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01 Oct 2013, 12:56 pm

Thelibrarian wrote:
I understand completely. In the late nineties I almost married a girl from a wealthy Italian family in Brooklyn. I called her father Mr. XXX; and her mother Ms XXX. Why? Because they referred to me as that G-d d--ned redneck. Good luck to you....


When you say "almost married" I am presuming that you are much happier these days LOL



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01 Oct 2013, 1:43 pm

mikassyna wrote:
Thelibrarian wrote:
I understand completely. In the late nineties I almost married a girl from a wealthy Italian family in Brooklyn. I called her father Mr. XXX; and her mother Ms XXX. Why? Because they referred to me as that G-d d--ned redneck. Good luck to you....


When you say "almost married" I am presuming that you are much happier these days LOL


Yes, she was definitely a bit much for this aspie :wink: Funny thing about women though: Two is too many and zero is not enough. I've actually been in a relationship with the same woman since not too long after that--thirteen years. She's not as exciting as my NYC girl, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Again, good luck to you. Hang in there and I'm sure things will work out well for you too.



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01 Oct 2013, 10:15 pm

Are you able to tell your mother in law how you feel? It may be awkward but it might help.


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02 Oct 2013, 8:29 am

Well I don't know about everyone else, but now I really want to know what her name is, if you're able to type it without too much discomfort! :lol:

In terms of the problem, I'd look at it two ways. First, if you can show respect to your "enemy," it makes you the better (less petty, hateful, etc.) person; calling her what she wants to be called shows respect (or at least courtesy). Second, if she really is asking just because she knows it makes you feel uncomfortable, then not getting uncomfortable will make it so she "loses;" she's not getting the reaction she wanted. Of course, it's never that easy. I know that when something makes you uncomfortable you can't just suddenly decide that it doesn't. So, I was thinking you could try the tiny exposures route. Maybe say her name quietly to yourself while you're in the toilet or something, then gradually say it louder, and in more places (kitchen, yard, etc.). Eventually you may become comfortable enough to say her name often and drive her nuts with it. :twisted: Ok...so maybe that's petty... :lol:



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02 Oct 2013, 9:03 am

mikassyna wrote:
Thelibrarian wrote:
If you want to get along with her, I would call her what she wants to be called. An acceptable alternative would be Mrs. XXXX. But that's very formal, and hence the same as telling her you regard her as an acquaintance or stranger. It should be one of the two though.


It sounds so simple... I only wish it felt that way!

Her telling me to use her full first name feels much more formal. Her other relatives call her by a variant of her name. I'd be the only one calling her by her full first name. If I heard other people calling her by that name it wouldn't feel so weird or probably even sound so weird. When she first told me her name I committed a major faux pas and laughed because I really thought she was pulling my leg and asked her to tell me what her real name was. I saw she was serious and felt bad but I just couldn't undo the damage. Now it makes me wonder if she wants to make me say her full name just to punish me. Ugh. 8O


Mikassyna, one last thought on this: It is simple, but not necessarily easy. Again, hang in there. While this woman is your husband's mother, and is accordingly due a certain amount of respect, it is still your home and your husband. So, you are due respect as well.



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02 Oct 2013, 10:10 am

Thelibrarian wrote:
Mikassyna, one last thought on this: It is simple, but not necessarily easy. Again, hang in there. While this woman is your husband's mother, and is accordingly due a certain amount of respect, it is still your home and your husband. So, you are due respect as well.


Thank you for this.

She does not respect me. I did not become a doctor or lawyer like her children, so she thinks I'm unworthy of her son. We have a terrible history and she has never made much attempt to hold her tongue and jumps at the opportunity to attack my character, even in front of the kids. I respect her as my husband's mother but only just so much. I only want my children to have a relationship with her because, as bad as she is, she is still more sane than the woman who raised me.

I'm happy for you that you were smart enough to head off disaster before you got too mired in it. Alas, I was not so smart. But I did birth two wonderful children from my marriage and do not regret that for a minute.



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02 Oct 2013, 10:15 am

maybe she would be receptive to a nickname/pet name.


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02 Oct 2013, 10:26 am

mikassyna wrote:
Thelibrarian wrote:
Mikassyna, one last thought on this: It is simple, but not necessarily easy. Again, hang in there. While this woman is your husband's mother, and is accordingly due a certain amount of respect, it is still your home and your husband. So, you are due respect as well.


Thank you for this.

She does not respect me. I did not become a doctor or lawyer like her children, so she thinks I'm unworthy of her son. We have a terrible history and she has never made much attempt to hold her tongue and jumps at the opportunity to attack my character, even in front of the kids. I respect her as my husband's mother but only just so much. I only want my children to have a relationship with her because, as bad as she is, she is still more sane than the woman who raised me.

I'm happy for you that you were smart enough to head off disaster before you got too mired in it. Alas, I was not so smart. But I did birth two wonderful children from my marriage and do not regret that for a minute.


I hope you will keep in mind several things: First, not being a professional in no way impacts your worth as a wife--or human being; it simply means you don't have professional training or a corresponding job. In fact, if your husband can afford it, having a stay-at-home wife and mother is by far the best option for your children. Today, a mother being able to stay at home with her children means she is either on welfare or married to a good provider. I saw a study out of England recently that said two-thirds of women there would rather stay at home with their children that have a job.

Second, I'm guessing you loved this man at one point in time to have agreed to marry him, and vice versa. Maybe if you concentrate on what initially attracted you to him, you can make your marriage better.

Finally, marriage is a two-way street. You may not have much influence over your mother-in-law, but your husband almost certainly does. It seems to me that he would have to be the one to mediate this problem. While you do NOT want to come between him and his mother, you are his wife, and you need to impress upon him how uncomfortable your mother-in-law makes you feel.



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02 Oct 2013, 11:17 am

Thelibrarian wrote:
I hope you will keep in mind several things: First, not being a professional in no way impacts your worth as a wife--or human being; it simply means you don't have professional training or a corresponding job. In fact, if your husband can afford it, having a stay-at-home wife and mother is by far the best option for your children. Today, a mother being able to stay at home with her children means she is either on welfare or married to a good provider. I saw a study out of England recently that said two-thirds of women there would rather stay at home with their children that have a job.

Second, I'm guessing you loved this man at one point in time to have agreed to marry him, and vice versa. Maybe if you concentrate on what initially attracted you to him, you can make your marriage better.

Finally, marriage is a two-way street. You may not have much influence over your mother-in-law, but your husband almost certainly does. It seems to me that he would have to be the one to mediate this problem. While you do NOT want to come between him and his mother, you are his wife, and you need to impress upon him how uncomfortable your mother-in-law makes you feel.


I understand I am not my job, but I can't help how other people think about it. My husband's sister is a lawyer and in the realm of relationships her life has been a mess, so you would think that would put those notions to rest, but sadly it doesn't. However, I am chagrined to have not done more with my life than I did. I really think had I been able to overcome my emotional problems I might have actually done something noteworthy, like research a cure for cancer or become a doctor myself, and really help people.

My mother-in-law feels entitled to whatever her creation (my husband) achieved for himself, and made that fact known to me. She did not like it when I implemented boundaries on our home. She will never forgive me for that, claiming that I "pushed (her) out." Well, duh, I'm sorry, but I really couldn't stand seeing her mug as soon as I got home from work until after the time my stepdaughter went to sleep. I didn't appreciate feeling scrutinized in my own home by essentially a stranger, and unable to relax after a long day at work. I didn't like those in-laws staying in my home when neither I nor my husband were there, as they are freaking slobs and there was no way I was going to tolerate coming home from MY vacation to clean up messes that they'd made. Never mind that I was a very accommodating hostess when they would visit and/or stay with us, no matter how hard it was for me, yet they were abysmal guests. So, it has been strained from the beginning. Oh, and the witch didn't come to our wedding. She had her axe to grind. I guess I could have been a doormat and let them walk all over me, but my sanity was at stake. I would have killed them or myself LOL

My husband's solution to this whole mess is to stay out of it. He simply will not go between us. The only one who stuck up for me was her husband, and sadly he died a few years ago. What a shame. I'm just happy he got to spend time with his grandson (my DS5) before he passed. My son was the light of his life.



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02 Oct 2013, 11:38 am

gretchyn wrote:
Well I don't know about everyone else, but now I really want to know what her name is, if you're able to type it without too much discomfort! :lol:

:
Me too, I am totally curious now.


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02 Oct 2013, 11:45 am

I hope you change your mind on the job thing for the simple reason that I can't think of any job more important than raising the next generation. As far as society goes, I understand the power of peer pressure and such. But when society expects women to put a career over their own children, I think society is wrong.

As far as your mother-in-law invading your space, again, you are right to feel that way. It is your home; she has her own.

My husband's solution to this whole mess is to stay out of it. He simply will not go between us. The only one who stuck up for me was her husband, and sadly he died a few years ago. What a shame. I'm just happy he got to spend time with his grandson (my DS5) before he passed. My son was the light of his life.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your husband. I'm guessing he would defend your honor if you were physically attacked, or even if somebody insulted you. If not, I would take a pretty dim view of that personally. It should be the same with your mother-in-law.



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02 Oct 2013, 11:46 am

Good for you for putting up your boundaries in your home. If she does not like that that's just tough putooties. Sounds like she is a real piece of work. I think you should just call her whatever she wants. The reason I think that is that I don't think she is worth all the stress and effort you are putting towards this. Treat her like any other stranger. Yes, she is the grandmother of your children but let that be all she is. She does not have to mean anything to you. Just call her what she wants, spend the least amount of time you need to with her and just move on with your life and don't give her any thought. If she is upset let that be her problem not yours. I would just dismiss that and focus on what I need and want to focus on for my own well being, my husband's and my kid's.


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