Boss embarrassed me at work yesterday

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I've always been quite private about my AS, and also I'm mild and high-functioning enough to be able to hide it and just tell everyone that I suffer with an anxiety disorder and leave it at that (that's all I feel comfortable of people being aware of, and I'm happy with that). But just yesterday we had a meeting to just discuss different things, and it all went rather well. But towards the end of the meeting, the boss said to me, ''oh, and I know a young man with Asperger's Syndrome, and he gets all anxious if he's got to do a lot of things and he needs more specific instructions....'' and I can't quite remember what else she said, but I felt everyone in the room look at me. I felt my face go hot with embarrassment, and I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me then close again.

Yes, I know she meant well and was only trying to be understanding, and I know she wasn't picking on me or getting at me - and I know that what she was saying was good, and I can read between the lines of what people are saying so I kind of got a hidden message that she was trying to say how well I work and so on. But, I didn't want my label announced in front of the rest of the workers. I don't mind telling people I have an anxiety disorder, but the rest of it is my own personal private business and I rather not have everybody knowing about it. I didn't mind just the people in the office knowing, but it doesn't need to go any further. I've got to go back tomorrow and I really don't want to face people. I know they're all nice and won't think anything differently of me, but that's not the point. It's how I feel too. I'm always thinking of others and everything, but in this type of situation I am rather self-indulgent.

I just feel so embarrassed to face my colleagues now. I hate the word ''Asperger's Syndrome'' as it is, without it being announced in front of everyone. What would you feel in this situation?

Your boss probably knows that an "anxiety disorder" is kind of generic sounding meaning that it usually coexists with something else like AS.

I forgot to say, the boss already knows I've got AS.

It does sound a little insensitive.I'm just wondering if it was your bosses attempt to make everybody aware of your condition so they would have a better understanding of how to work with you.If your boss did it to embarrass you then its not acceptable.

In a way, I might actually be relieved. Now you can relax more and not worry if they see something weird in you.

From my experience. It hard if not imposable to hide the fact you have AS. People notice something in me all the time. They may not know exactly what it is but they notice something and I rather that they know that I have AS as appose to them thinking I have something worse.

So I found out I had Aspergers type ASD a few months ago and then I found out that a there were other Aspies at work, including the person who had been my boss for many years, who knew this about me all along. This was weird, but I think it goes to show that for at least some of us, we think we are better at hiding it and blending in with NT people than we really are.

Coincidentally, something similar happened to me on a conference call with my boss's boss's boss... A colleague and I were discussing a technical thing we are working on [edited to omit irrelevant detail] and this high level manager discussed some of the strategic and political factors that are complicating properly defining the thing we have to work on... and he suddenly said "I hope that's not getting too much into empathy, Adamantium"! !!
As far as I know, the colleague who I was presenting with knows nothing about my diagnosis, but she has to be wondering now. Also, I really don't think I have a problem or much of a problem with empathy, except in the area of communication, so I thought his remark made no sense in that situation.

What I felt was: shocked and embarrassed to have what I thought of as confidential medical information discussed with colleagues. I was also embarrassed by the idea that the management chain has been discussing me to the point that he would have this in his mind. Finally, I had the reflex instinct to try to conceal by playing it as cool as possible.

Years of practice left me ignoring the remarks completely and just continuing to address the subject of our conversation as if he hadn't said anything. My colleague didn't say anything either and then our part of the call was over.

So then I thought: What should I do about this? And I concluded that I will just carry on as if it did not happen. That approach has gotten me this far in life. I don't see a reason to stop now. Good luck with your boss and colleagues. If you let it drop, they probably will too.

As I sad in my previous post. You really can't hide it even if you think you are.

IMHO, 'The truth shall set you free.'.

ive never told my work colleagues either but like the last poster before me, theyve probably realised 'something's a bit astray' with me. im that literal and 'off the wall' in my thinking, as they sometimes say that i think of stuff that doesnt even ocur to them because i can be so focused on specifics of a certain thing. they know not to make jokes- or at least they do say "im JOKING " if they're tone is dead pan serious and thir face is equally as solemn and serious. i never knowwhat to make of it

thankfully they all understand my understanding difficulties and communication explanation(from brain to mouth) difficulties but it wouldnt surprise me if some of the nurses in their 50s knew i was on the spectrum somewhere. like most 80s babies i was neverdiagnosed. im also an only child so the parents had 'no-one to compare' me to. if my mum hadnt of worked at the local hospital as a typist for a special needs clinic she would never have heard of a. aspergers and b. autism at all and it was only when more n more kids were getting diagnosed 15yrs ago that she realised "ah, spook did that" "oh and she does that too even now but she definately did it big time when she was 4 and 5" as she was typing detailed letters to GPs about kids who exhibited various signs.

I can't say I know labor laws especially in the UK but this seems to break them. Looks like a clear cut confidentiality violation.

Adamantium,

Your profile doesn't tell me in which country you reside. However, I would definitely document the empathy remark in writing and keep a log henceforth of any other references to your AS that are made by your bosses or coworkers. If a situation arises down the road where your job is threatened or you are alleging harassment, you will need documentation to present to your attorney and to file a complaint with the EEOC (if in the U.S.) or equivalent agency in your home country.

I don't mind telling people that I have a high stress and anxiety disorder. I've been on online non-Autism forums where people have anxiety and stress disorders but are not on the spectrum and they sound just like me. OK some of them might have a few AS traits but not enough to be diagnosed or even recognised as someone on the spectrum. Telling people you have high stress/anxiety issues does not scream out that it's Asperger's. Some people can have these stress and anxiety disorders and social phobia without having Asperger's. So to other people I just come across as a shy, nervous person with a stress and anxiety disorder. I make normal eye contact and I'm not really honest or speak in monotone or anything like that. I don't present obvious Autism things like hand flapping (I don't stim, period). And I have common sense too, my job is cleaning so you need a lot of common sense to clean rooms and corridors, and I don't need specific instructions. When I first started, it only took me about two days to take it all in and they knew I was ready to begin a day cleaning on my own, and I coped fine. Also I can have conversations with people fine (one-on-one, usually). OK some people might notice something a little offish about me more than others, but that's their problem. Otherwise, I practically get on with everybody and I openly express how I feel to people and I've told people that I get anxious and/or stressed about different things and that I can get a little shy at times. What I don't want is my Asperger's to be broadcasted out to everyone.

Also I'm not more intelligent like everyone else, and I'm not literal either (I always know when someone's joking and I have a good sense of humour). In fact I'm less intelligent, which, to other people, might indicate a learning difficulty. Like I am poor at maths and I complete my paperwork slowly because I cannot always focus.

Even if your boss's intention was good, I think what she did was wrong. It's your private information and she shouldn't have even implied it in front of other people. Your colleagues are your (potential) enemies. You should never reveal your personal information/issues to your colleagues. You cannot "unreveal" what's already been revealed. You might want to consider making an official complaint about your boss’s violating your privacy.

But I just wonder why everyone looked at you when the boss mentioned some guy with AS. If the others in the meeting didn't know you had AS, why did they look at you when AS was mentioned? Was she specifically speaking to you? Or did she actually explicitly say that you had AS in the meeting?

I had a privacy problem at work (not about AS). Some negligent admin worker showed a form with my confidential personal information in it to one of my gossipy colleagues. I got so angry that I didn't go to work for two days and even now I don't speak to that incompetent admin b1tch. Although she apologized, an apology is not good enough because an apology doesn't erase the memory of the person who saw my personal information.

I would never let my colleagues know about my AS because they would only think it’s just fun gossip. Many, though not all, have a mentality that other people’s difficulty is something to gossip/laugh about.

So here's a thought experiment for you: if one of your co-workers were to straight up ask you "do you have Asperger syndrome?", how would you respond to that?

I have been in similar situations as yours at past jobs, where only the boss and maybe a couple of floor managers knew about my autism, and I tried to hide it as much as possible from my main co-workers. But when the cat's out the bag, you still have to keep working same as you did before, and the question really becomes: is it your co-workers' image of you that changes once they found out about your ASD, or is it your own self-image that needs adjusting?

Speaking for myself, it was the latter.

Well, the boss was saying it to me, but for all to hear, if that makes sense. She said my name before saying what she said, and it obviously implied to the others that I have Asperger's. I'd rather she just waited 'til everyone had gone and spoke to me about it in private, if she had to say it, because I knew she didn't mean any harm.

I remember once I was on a course to do with my job, and one of the people there was fighting off breast cancer. They had caught it early, and so she was in the middle of her treatment and she knew she will just get better (she was well enough to attend the course, and she did look well too). The tutor kind of unintentionally brought up breast cancer, and a few people looked at this woman. Some minutes later she burst into tears and went out of the room. The tutor did not mean no harm, and nobody had offended her, but hearing about what she was suffering with in front of a big group of people must have made her feel insecure or uncomfortable, which caused her to feel emotional.
I know AS isn't life-threatening, but I still felt the same way as that poor woman must have.