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Phil2011
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05 Oct 2013, 5:47 pm

I have a friend who i have fallen out with and we aren't talking. What happened was he does stuff that upsets me and makes me angry all the time, but most of the time i have to bite my tongue for the sake of keeping the peace as if i say anything he goes off on one, he is very highly strung. Of course if i upset him he is always very vocal about that, kicking off and demanding i apologise. Anyway i have ended up telling him a few things and he doesn't like it.

There are so many things he does that annoy me. He has a dishwasher and his mum also cleans his flat,so when i go there he either leaves the washing up for her or puts it in the dishwasher. I don't have a dishwasher and no one cleans for me so i have to do it myself. When he comes to mine he eats everything he can lay his hands on. He makes a load of mess and leaves big piles of washing up. I have to wash all this up myself as he never offers to help. When i brought this up anyone would have thought i wanted to put him infront of a firing squad or something, he totally went into a strop. I don't think its unreasonable what i'm asking. He says he expects me to return the favour because he doesn't make me help wash up at his, even though he doesn't do any washing up anyway and if he did and wanted some help i'd be fine with it. Another time i spent ages cleaning the kitchen as it looked like a bomb had hit it, shortly afterwards he was out there making food again i asked him quite nicely not to make a load of mess as i had spent so long tidying, i felt i had a right to say this. He responded by getting the hump and saying 'well you didn't need to tell me that!' There are other thngs he does at mine like expecting to be allowed to smoke inside and demanding to watch what he wants on the tv even when he knows its something i don't like and when he could watch it later. There are still more things he does at mine that i don't like , but anytime i bring them up he either makes a joke of it or he gets annoyed. I find this disrespectful and totally inconsiderate of my feelings. Its my flat and if i'm unhappy about something i have a right to say so. He always tells me when hes unhappy and he moans about me having double standards when he has a ton of those himself! He then has the nerve to say hes a better host than i am. I think i'm a damn tolerant host considering what i have to put up with from him and i don't behave in his place the way he does in mine., i don't take the libertys he takes!

I have Aspergers and hes always throwing that in my face too. like he'll say 'oh you do that because you have Aspergers' and stuff like that. Does he think i want to be reminded i have it all the time? Its hard enough having it as it is without people keep throwing it in my face. He knows i have it and that i struggle with some things, its totally out of order that he uses it as a weapon against me.

He wanted me to put lastfm on my laptop so he can see what music i like and when i tried to download it i had some problems. I tried for ages and in the end i gave up and went to bed, i also switched my phone off. When i turned it back on the next day i had a load of text messages from him ranting and raving about how selfish i am, how i never do anything he wants blah blah. All this over a bloody website! In the end i let him download it onto my lapyop himself or i might never have heared the end of it. But you know if i had said no thats my damn right. I have a right to choose what i want and don't want on my laptop. I wasn't that bothered about having it but had i said no we'd have had all sorts of tantrums so i just said yes to keep the peace. He gave me a wii that i never asked for and he always says 'oh but i gave you a wii, i brought it all the way accross london for you' Its like he thinks i have to do stuff for him in return for him giving me a wii.

There are loads of other things but i'm not going to go on and on, this post is already getting quite long as ii is..

I feel like i'd like to be the bigger person and let it go but i feel angry, very angry. Am i being silly? am i the one in the wrong? I don't feel i am, i take a hell of a lot of crap from him and always having to bite my tongue to avoid arguements.

We are both gay and when we first met he wanted more than just friendship, but i didn't. He pestered me for months, i'd say it bordered on sexual harrassment tbh. He just couldn't accept that i didn't like him in that way. He's settled down now, but a few times when i've been drunk he has taken advantage which i think is wrong. He knows that my judgement is screwed from drink and that i'm going to regret it. On at least one of the occasions he was sober so he had the better judgement. But then he also knows that i have a drink problem but that doesn't stop him encouraging me to drink with him.

He does have some positive points, but i feel i'm always walking on eggshells with him, wondering when hes going to get the hump about something. I'm always biting my tongue for the sake of the peace and i end up resenting it. I often come away from a meet with him feeling angry about something. It doesn't seem a great basis for any friendship.

He is so selfish too,always banging on about himself and his problems. My nan died not that long ago and i am still grieving and coming to terms with it. If i try to talk to him about it he'll make some stupid comment like 'ah sorry babe' then promptly change the subject back to himself.

Anyway i think i should stop here. What do you think? i think i have a right to be angry but he wants me to apologise to him. I'd like to have an apology from him for certain things but he never says sorry for anything.and clearly he hasn't taken on board anything i've said. He's also said some pretty nasty things to me, i'm supposed to just take his crap apparently.



auntblabby
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05 Oct 2013, 5:58 pm

cut your losses.



cathylynn
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05 Oct 2013, 6:38 pm

this fellow is a rapist by your description. better off without him.



leafplant
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07 Oct 2013, 3:53 pm

sounds like your friend is a narcissist or at least a first grade manipulator. the fact that he gets into a strop or goes off on one every time you try to assert yourself is a major red flag. I'd sneak out of that friendship if I were you..



Summer_Twilight
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07 Oct 2013, 7:58 pm

Phil2011 wrote:

He is so selfish too,always banging on about himself and his problems. My nan died not that long ago and i am still grieving and coming to terms with it. If i try to talk to him about it he'll make some stupid comment like 'ah sorry babe' then promptly change the subject back to himself.

.


Your friend sounds similar to someone who I used to associate with for a while and not once did I really feel like I could have some peace when I was around her.

1. She would constantly cut me down for having ASD and seemed to refer to me as if I were helpless. I told her that I got a condo when we re-connected for a little while. "Oh I heard. How does your aunt feel about that?"
2. Everything was about her- Whenever I would try to talk about what was going on with my life, she would then try to compare her life to mine.
3. If I ever tried to let her know when something bothered me, she would go into a rage. "I don't appreciate that last letter you sent me. I have problems of my own and if you can't accept that then we are done."
4. She wasn't too nice to any of her friends

So yeah, it sounds like you and him are just a really bad mix and that he has problems of his own. You also need to realize that you cannot be a people pleaser. If he has a fit, then good for him. Let him have at it.



auntblabby
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07 Oct 2013, 8:19 pm

sometimes being solitary is better than any of the alternatives.



Phil2011
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08 Oct 2013, 11:57 am

Hi, thanks for the replies everyone :)

The thing is even though my post was so long it only scratches the surface of it. I could go on and on and on. The thing that annoys me the most is that i feel i have been very tolerant considering and few people would have been so tolerant for so long, yet all the time all i get is put down, told i must apologise for this, for that, told how he hates this and that and how its a problem. It is clear he wants and expects me to change who i am to suit him. Its not on.



Summer_Twilight
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08 Oct 2013, 7:21 pm

That was the problem that I had with my friend where no one would put up with them very long while I tried to be loyal but I kept getting disregarded. I was also not even at the top of her list either.

Anyway to give you an example of the type of person she was:
She did a lot of swearing once she got into the military and had been friends with another girl for a while that she met at a vocational school before that. In fact, she had been paying her more attention than I until this other girl and her mother got sick of her swearing. So they tossed her to the side and called her trailer trash. I mean, she did not even once apologize to them or take fault. Instead, they were wrong and she was right.

Like your friend, it was everyone else's fault but her own,. You had to apologize to her and feel sorry for her or she was not happy.

So you are doing the right thing?