I used to love having visitors to my house....

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Joe90
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07 Oct 2013, 11:55 am

When I was a child the thought of having people over to our house used to fill me will excitement and thrill. I loved the thought of a hectic environment, with everyone talking at once and different things going on. I remember a few times when we were going to have people coming round on a Friday night, and all day at school I was really looking forward to it. I was even happier when my aunt and uncle and cousins randomly turned up, especially when I was bored. Sometimes my mum used to plan a surprise sleepover for me, by arranging my aunt and uncle to come and bring their daughter (who was the same age as me) and she'd stay at mine and sleep in my room with me. My mum still says now she remembers how much my face brightened up.

Now, I dislike people coming round. The noise of chattering and activity just makes me so unsettled, and I just want people to go away. I'm a bit more settled if I know exactly what time people are coming and what time they are going, then I can plan what I want to do better. But I cannot go to bed if there are still people at my house, even though I don't always have to entertain them. I can't even relax in my room, so I go and sit in the sitting-room with them but start to feel uncomfortable at different noises, like someone having a yawning fit and doing that loud irritating groan when they yawn, or my mum having one of her sneezing fits. Also I cannot bear to be in the same room as my brother, because he is not compatible with someone like me and often brings up conversations about things that scare or worry me, like nuclear wars or freezing, snowy winters. He sometimes likes to agitate me on purpose (then wonders why I prefer to stay out his way).

Yes I am thinking of moving out but nobody here knows my financial circumstances, but it's something I'm looking into. But anyway, it's not a problem-solving thread, it's more of a ''can anyone else relate?'' thread, and also I'd like to know why I feel differently as an adult to how I did as a child.


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leafplant
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07 Oct 2013, 1:21 pm

HI - I am new here, so apologies if I say things in a wrong way, I haven't really spent time reading the forum but really wanted to respond to your comment just to say how much I can relate to what you are saying. I am almost double your age (ouch!) and things have just got progressively worse for me. I really hope you will not have the same problem, but I have started to wonder if 'people tolerance' is like a battery which Aspies do not have a charger for, so when it goes empty we just flip?

I think maybe the problem is that when we are little, we are naturally allowed to have things our own way a lot more, so when you no longer feel like playing with others, nobody thinks anything of it but, when we are 'adults', the problems arise because we are expected to be a lot more flexible and bend around other people and their wants and needs.

If anyone has strategies for dealing with this, I'd love to hear them because it's a huge problem for me and I'd like to be able to rent my spare room but being the way I am I just cannot see how I could manage it at the moment.



BirdInFlight
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07 Oct 2013, 2:24 pm

leafplant wrote:
HI - I am new here, so apologies if I say things in a wrong way, I haven't really spent time reading the forum but really wanted to respond to your comment just to say how much I can relate to what you are saying. I am almost double your age (ouch!) and things have just got progressively worse for me. I really hope you will not have the same problem, but I have started to wonder if 'people tolerance' is like a battery which Aspies do not have a charger for, so when it goes empty we just flip?

I think maybe the problem is that when we are little, we are naturally allowed to have things our own way a lot more, so when you no longer feel like playing with others, nobody thinks anything of it but, when we are 'adults', the problems arise because we are expected to be a lot more flexible and bend around other people and their wants and needs.

If anyone has strategies for dealing with this, I'd love to hear them because it's a huge problem for me and I'd like to be able to rent my spare room but being the way I am I just cannot see how I could manage it at the moment.


leafplant, I think you hit it spot-on, as I can relate to this too. My tolerance for things and ability to enjoy something I have to "manage" is getting less and less as I get older. I agree that it's because there are more demands on an adult to be flexible, and I also suspect that the greater stresses and strains of an adult life can exacerbate traits and inabilities to manage our reactions to settings and situations that may be stressful in their own right. I definitely feel that grownup stress factors have made some of my issues -- which have been there all my life but used to be less easily irritated -- blow wilder like a wind now.

I feel like I need to restart my yoga, and also look into light meditation to calm the stress factor. These might be helpful, but I'm the blind leading the blind and just wanted to comment that I too feel "worse" tolerance levels as I age.

.



Willard
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07 Oct 2013, 4:44 pm

I recall the excitement of such events as a child, but even then, once it was over and the guests had gone home, I would have an emotional collapse - back then, I thought that I was just feeling sadness that the event was over, or favorite people were leaving, but I realize now that was just the Aspie in me falling apart from the intense effort of sustained socializing.

When we would travel to visit friends or relatives and stay in a strange place for several days, as soon as the car pulled away to head home, I would crumble into exhaustion and uncontrollable weeping and it would last off and on for several days, until I was back in my own environment and re-stabilizing.

As I got older, I think I just gradually realized that it was that human hubbub that was the cause of my anxiety, so I learned to intentionally avoid that kind of interaction.



LilythMoon
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07 Oct 2013, 7:54 pm

Willard wrote:
I recall the excitement of such events as a child, but even then, once it was over and the guests had gone home, I would have an emotional collapse - back then, I thought that I was just feeling sadness that the event was over, or favorite people were leaving, but I realize now that was just the Aspie in me falling apart from the intense effort of sustained socializing.

When we would travel to visit friends or relatives and stay in a strange place for several days, as soon as the car pulled away to head home, I would crumble into exhaustion and uncontrollable weeping and it would last off and on for several days, until I was back in my own environment and re-stabilizing.

As I got older, I think I just gradually realized that it was that human hubbub that was the cause of my anxiety, so I learned to intentionally avoid that kind of interaction.


Yes, this.

Today I was wondering, why dont i have friends, why is it so hard to make friends and keep them, why do i have an anxiety attack and run away as soon as someone approaches me and says a word. What is all this pain and grief about, when as a little child it seemed quite the opposite. But I think about my fits and tantrums back then, all due to people and socializing and for sure how the world seemed to crumble when i was at another house or on holiday.

Joe I understand how you feel about people coming to your house. I cant cope with people around my house now, i just feel violated and always alert and anxious every minute they are there. And if they knock at the door unexpected, oh my gosh, meltdown. Even phone calls egh. Ive never known how to deal with it, the older im getting the worse it seems to get for me


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auntblabby
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08 Oct 2013, 12:43 am

I would not mind having nice people over but my place is like something out of "hoarders."